Freedom.

I used to hate 4th of July. Every year I would go to the Santa Clara fireworks with my family and lay out on the grass at the park, feeling so reflective and regretful as I watched the sky light up in colors that should've made me happy. I mean really, fireworks aren't supposed to make anyone sad. 

Because of the rough summers I was having back then, I couldn't stop myself from pulling up the sides of my sweatshirt hood (yes, sweatshirt. Miss you, Bay Area!) to hide my face as the tears fell. I missed them so terribly - those who had been in my life and then weren't. I still miss them. If I allow my mind to pause there, I can still bring up tears. 

But 4th of July is different now. Last year it started to turn around - I volunteered at the church fireworks booth and then took the kids to their sweet friend Rydr's house for the best fireworks party

 ever. 

This year, I helped in the booth the past few days, including an evening where God blessed me with a surprise summer rain. Tonight after my last shift there, we will take the kids over to La Sierra to eat, play and watch the fireworks in the sky. I'll snuggle my babies and smile - thankful that I truly do understand what freedom is, and now I can pass it down to Sam and Charlotte. 

In this nation, we are incredibly fortunate to be able to do pretty much anything without consequence - politics, religion, all the things many countries in the world covet. But there's also a different freedom to be had, and it took me until my 30s to truly experience it and claim it as my own. 

I am free to fully accept God's love and love Him in return. I never, ever doubt God's love for me now. It took me a long time to accept it, but I know He's crazy about me. (And He is about you too!) 

I am free to trust people. The past has passed. The gift of the present and future are so lovely and unscathed - I don't need to look behind me anymore.

I am free to be sad. Do I still miss them? Absolutely. This time of year, there's not a day where I don't think about them. Family - blood or spiritual - when it breaks, it will always leave a part of you broken along with it. But I have this beautiful freedom within myself to put that hurt to good use. 

I am not healed, but I'm healing. 

I am not perfect, but I am loved. 

4th of July makes me smile now. It's in my top 3.....Thanksgiving will always be #1, and don't even try to mess with Easter.....

And, of course, these two weirdos are growing up free in every way, and for that, I am beyond grateful. 

P.S. - Santa Clara doesn't have fireworks anymore.