Moving Forward

Tonight I prayed with two strong, amazing, genuine Christians. I want to be like that. I desire a firm foundation so I don't crumble at the first gust of an emotional storm. 

I'm getting better, but tonight I did realize something important. I've put forth a lot of energy through counseling , healing prayer sessions, journaling and talking with others in order to forgive those who have hurt me. I thought I could move forward and have this amazing life with Christ in the center of it all if I could just forgive my family, my former close friends, people who have turned their backs on my ministry, etc. I've done pretty well at it and have let a lot go, but the wounds still remain. 

I never thought to forgive myself.

Tonight I committed to myself and God to start working on forgiving myself. Due to either experiences or just not being very smart, I always believe that I am disrespecting God if I think anything positive about myself. It's very hard for me to forgive myself, as I am my own worst critic by far. 

But I need to let go. 

There are situations in my life that are my fault, but also quite a few that weren't. Even if I am partially to blame, I don't need to crucify myself. I've spent years convincing myself that if I take the blame, then I have control over a situation and it can't hurt me. 

In case you were wondering, it hasn't gone so well. 

In my attempt to ensure I never thought anything good about myself in order to remain right before God, I have cheapened the gift Jesus gave by dying on the cross. I put Him back up there whenever I argue with Him that I am not worth the sacrifice. I need to stop this. 

I will never be pretty or profoundly intelligent, but I can still take the risk of accepting myself as a decent person that Christ felt worthwhile enough to die for. I will never enjoy the memories I have or the choices I've made, but I can forgive myself for my part in them. 

I can walk forward. No one will slap my hand. I'm the only enemy I really have left, and she needs to go away. She's just getting in the way. 

God gave me this scripture tonight and I really love this version of it. 

You’re blessed when you stay on course, walking steadily on the road revealed by GOD. You’re blessed when you follow his directions, doing your best to find him. That’s right—you don’t go off on your own; you walk straight along the road he set. You, GOD, prescribed the right way to live; now you expect us to live it. Oh, that my steps might be steady, keeping to the course you set; Then I’d never have any regrets in comparing my life with your counsel. I thank you for speaking straight from your heart; I learn the pattern of your righteous ways. I’m going to do what you tell me to do; don’t ever walk off and leave me.

How can a young person live a clean life? By carefully reading the map of your Word. I’m single-minded in pursuit of you; don’t let me miss the road signs you’ve posted. I’ve banked your promises in the vault of my heart so I won’t sin myself bankrupt. Be blessed, GOD; train me in your ways of wise living. I’ll transfer to my lips all the counsel that comes from your mouth; I delight far more in what you tell me about living than in gathering a pile of riches. I ponder every morsel of wisdom from you, I attentively watch how you’ve done it. I relish everything you’ve told me of life, I won’t forget a word of it.

Be generous with me and I’ll live a full life; not for a minute will I take my eyes off your road. Open my eyes so I can see what you show me of your miracle-wonders. I’m a stranger in these parts; give me clear directions. My soul is starved and hungry, ravenous!— insatiable for your nourishing commands. And those who think they know so much, ignoring everything you tell them—let them have it! Don’t let them mock and humiliate me; I’ve been careful to do just what you said. While bad neighbors maliciously gossip about me, I’m absorbed in pondering your wise counsel. Yes, your sayings on life are what give me delight; I listen to them as to good neighbors!

I’m feeling terrible—I couldn’t feel worse! Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember? When I told my story, you responded; train me well in your deep wisdom. Help me understand these things inside and out so I can ponder your miracle-wonders. My sad life’s dilapidated, a falling-down barn; build me up again by your Word. Barricade the road that goes Nowhere; grace me with your clear revelation. I choose the true road to Somewhere, I post your road signs at every curve and corner. I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me; GOD, don’t let me down! I’ll run the course you lay out for me if you’ll just show me how. (Psalm 119:1-32 MSG)

One Step at a Time

These are my feet in grass this afternoon. 

I know, right? My blog is totally action packed these days! 

Anyway, as I was saying - here are my feet. Please don't look at them for too long because they are definitely dirty from wearing flip flops and my 3 yr old helped me paint my toes.....but!.......

Because of something that happened once, I can't stand the feeling of grass or dirt on my skin. A huge part of my life was damaged in a backyard a long time ago - things happened that I can never take back - and the feeling of the earth directly on any part of me sends me into a frenzy of panic attacks. In counseling they call it a trigger. I call it stupidity.

I haven't been bare foot in grass in years. 

Today I had enough.  

I took this photo with a racing heart and clammy hands, but not for long. I didn't cry. I didn't have to remember. All I heard were the background sounds of the church picnic. 

I am victorious. 

Grab Hold

June has turned out to be the most beautiful month. It's had its battles, its persistent memories and one 109 degree day that was clearly unacceptable. But June has also been filled with amazing things I never thought possible. 

Daily swimming with the kids and new friends. Random play dates and hanging out with great people. 

Feeling totally relaxed and "normal" around church again. It's been a long, long time and totally worth the wait. 

Having full trust in people God has placed in my life to be spiritual examples and good friends, too. 

Lazy evenings with the husband. Not a lot of time for those thanks to work and ministry, but we are working on it. 

Welcoming amazing new kiddos into Royal stage for the summer, and watching the teen/adults thrive and grow too. 

Regaining control of situations that usually destroy me. Discovering my true measure of personal strength and God's amazing love for us. 

Warm summer nights with gorgeous pink clouds and late bedtimes. 

Ice cream. Lots of ice cream. 

Things I used to despise but love now - being outside, picnics & barbecues, late night talks without worrying about what is said, good time spent in the Word. 

Snuggling with the kids and reading stories - enjoying one of the last summers we will have where they will both be so little. 

Summer is turning out to be amazing. 

Dear Difficulties

Dear Difficulties, 

I woke up this morning with the usual annoyances you cause - the physical pain, the racing mind, the....everything. 

However, despite all this, I have determined it is about time to write you this open letter and let you know I think you're a complete joke. 

Don't you know that the more you pound on me, the tougher I get? Go ahead and keep forming that tough callous that may seem ugly, but is actually making the inside stronger and protected. 

Go ahead and fill my days with uphill battles and over my head challenges - you're just training me to be stronger. 

Lock me in this darkness. It's totally fine. Because when I get to be in the light , it makes the contrast seem so much more wonderful, creating a desire within me to fight for more time there I otherwise wouldn't even have realized I wanted. 

It's no accident we have been spending less time together lately, you and I. 

And as you distort my face in the mirror and show me how ugly I am, remember that I'm actually not looking at it as much anyhow because I've been outdoors a lot enjoying the sunshine. When you feed me lies for dinner, remember I'm saving room for a hefty dose of truth for dessert. When you tempt me to cut, burn, overdose or break down, please notice I've been too busy to even seriously consider those things for quite awhile. 

When you hurt me, I'll turn to My Healer.

When you deceive me, I'll turn to Truth. 

When you think you've got me, you're wrong. 

You're still very much a part of my life - I'm not a supernatural wonder hero that can just ignore you completely. But it would seem you're getting quite a bit smaller. If I were you I'd be worried. 

Truths Of a Father

Father's Day has come and gone, and we had a great one doing Frank's favorite thing: nothing! Just hanging with family, eating BBQ and relaxing. My introvert spouse's dream. 

I was thinking today about fathers....the ones we have either biologically or father figures....and how they can make or break who we are. There are plenty of people reading this who might not enjoy Father's Day because of hurt caused by a father, or perhaps an altogether absence. 

I have learned a lot about the character of our Heavenly Father in the past year and have gathered some thoughts. While this is all just unimpressive theology 101, perhaps it will encourage someone in the way it encourages me when my heart remembers. 

- God is not a liar. We have his word and it does not change.

- God is a safe place. He doesn't leave us alone to "figure it out" and He doesn't rejoice in our failings. 

- God loves unconditionally. We screw up and test those conditions but we cannot change the end reaction. Because no conditions exist. 

- God does not hurt us. Human will is a crazy, tragic thing. God is a Daddy who will never harm. He doesn't beat, mock, abuse, taunt, tempt, deceive, betray.

- God is proud of us. He takes delight in us. We are all his favorite child and His pride knows no bounds. 

- God's love is deep. Deeper than we can fathom. 

- God holds no loyalty to darkness. He does not exist in fear of shame. He floods out these things with His incredible light. 

- God is patient. He waits when we are slow. He loves and remains after we realize we've run too far ahead. He surrounds us with His good and does not snatch it away when we have spent time with things that oppose Him. 

God is a Daddy. He is not a man sporting a paper mâché tie or puff painted boxer shorts every June. He doesn't spend weekends working on the car or watching the game. But he purposely presented Himself as a FATHER so we could truly understand the depth and loyalty of His love! 

If your earthly father, another relative, a pastor or another male figure has ever driven you away from the very thought of a "father," take heart.....God can restore. He's the ultimate handyman dad and you're his favorite weekend project. 

Fathers should not bring fear, pain or grief. Which is exactly why our Heavenly Father presents himself as a loving "Abba" and does so through an endless supply of safety, healing and joy. As much as we need. Take it. 

Just Out of Reach

Charlotte stuck her doll up behind the car seat and then cried when she couldn't reach it. I was driving, so I asked Sam to get it. I watched his little hand from the rearview mirror, stretching up again and again and just barely grazing the doll's head. He could see it and was trying his best to appease his little sister, but try as he might, he just couldn't reach it.

And once again, my children provide an illustration for my life.

I have so many questions right now swirling around my head, and if any reader out there has answers, I definitely welcome them! Some are superfluous and some are pressing, but they all need to be out of my brain now and leave me alone. 

1) How do I manage to contact everyone in Royal Stage when my emails keep getting caught in spam filters (and no, I am not spamming anyone) and a significant percentage doesn't have Facebook? I just don't have the time to call 60+ people and it's exhausting to even think about having to do that. People are always missing my communications, and then get frustrated when they don't hear from me. I need a new way - does one exist?

2) I wrote a book. See? 
I've heard it's good. I have no idea how to start promoting it - I am just so busy and pulled in so many different directions that there isn't a chance to concentrate on something that was (and is) my biggest dream come true. I feel like so far, it has just been a waste.

3) How do I assemble a giant trampoline? Any takers?

4) How to I balance friends, family, work, ministry, health and faith in such a way that my head isn't constantly about to explode?

5) How do I raise an additional $1500/mo in support for Royal Stage when no one seems willing to help with fundraising and I'm straight up out of time? How do I get a church to return a phone call?

6) Can I please just have a date night with my husband? 


And, at the same time, with all of these things swirling around my brain this morning, there are also answers to things I am really grateful for.....

1) Charlotte, miraculously, CAN in fact be potty trained.
2) Sam is on summer vacation and we are actually loving it.
3) I AM stronger than I realized, and much more resourceful than I give myself credit for.
4) Royal Stage is an INCREDIBLE ministry with so many wonderful, loving, committed people.
5) My husband is beyond longsuffering.
6) I am truly blessed beyond belief in all areas of my life.
7) My God is bigger than anything I face.

But really, how do I put together a trampoline? 

On to First Grade!

Kindergarten has come and gone. Sigh. What a magical year we had! 

   He wanted his certificate to have his    legal, "grown up" name. 

    So excited! 

    Getting his diploma from the principal. 

    Ms. Darcy with Sam.

    The two best kindergarten teachers on    the planet. 

   Big stuff. 

    Best friends. 

    Sweetness. 

Truth Telling.

Church today was about happiness, and I was fine with that. I've heard sermons about how happiness doesn't equal peace, how getting stuff doesn't equal contentment, etc. And, just like this morning, King Solomon seems to get dragged into it - a poster child for how love, sex and rock and roll does not a happy person make. 

I think I do pretty well in the happiness department - we own our home and have nice neighbors, we have two kids - a boy and a girl - the American ideal. We both have jobs we love and Iots of friends. I just got a new car and we are going to a church we enjoy. 

I am totally happy. Right?

Then the awesome Ashley who happened to be speaking that day really got under my skin. She kept saying about how God is willing to meet with us. How the creator of the universe is right here waiting to meet with us. How fortunate we are to have God meet with us. 

My heart started pounding and I felt completely embarrassed, even though no one would ever have reason to notice me at all right then, let alone the fact I felt totally ashamed and singled out. 

Because God doesn't meet with me. 

I feel like the kid in class with an empty valentine's day sack. Everyone else is feeling God and experiencing God and I'm over here wishing "everyone else" were me. That either they would agree that we don't really get to meet with God unless we are Noah or something, or that I would be elevated to their level of being able to meet with Him, too. 

I left church with an angry heart. I went home with an angry heart. My day was fine, but deep inside I was still stewing. 

God, WHY won't you meet with me? What is it about me that disgusts you so much that even though you promise in your Word that you will reveal yourself to us, you don't include me in that? 

(Ed. Note: I know this isn't true. But these are my thoughts. They are jerks.) 

I'm not like King Solomon and his quest for happiness and contentment! I don't party. I don't throw away money. I don't seek earthly pleasures over God's will! So why in the world can't I meet with you?! 

You suck, God. 

Then tonight it hit me like a ton of bricks why Ashley's words today were a) so good and b) exactly what I needed to hear. 

God isn't meeting with me because I am not wanting to meet with Him. 

Wait , what? Yes I do! 

No, you don't , Tam. 

Everything I do is through a filter of how I'm going to feel. I've had a good life, but I've also had some key moments where I've been hurt very badly. 

And so, for as long as I can remember , I live my life with the goal of not getting hurt. 

"I'll be your friend but you'll never really know me." 

"Why should I get involved with this when I'm just going to be disappointed?" 

"There's no point in bettering myself when things will just turn to garbage again." 

ILL MEET WITH YOU GOD, BUT ONLY IF IT MEANS YOULL HEAL ME ON MY TERMS IN MY TIMING. 

Oh crud. 

So, I'm apparently more like King Solomon than I initially thought. I love God, but not with my whole heart. I want to make him happy, but I'm so selfish. 

So as i tantrum and scream and fight with myself about being better, I actually get worse.

God "meets" with me by lavishing me with gifts - a healthy ministry, happy children, a comfortable lifestyle - because i don't allow him to meet with me any other way. Like how those missionaries once dropped presents to the remote Amazonians because they wanted to express love and kindness without getting a spear in their rear.....I don't trustGod  to not hurt me. 

My prayer for my life has shifted dramatically today. I'm not going to ask God for healing anymore. I am, but not on my terms. Whatever His are ....which will probably involve a lot of tears and going THROUGH pain instead of up or around it. 

But maybe if I can get out of my own way long enough to let God work, then maybe things will feel terrible for awhile and then actually be truly better. 

But my real prayer now is not that God will heal me, but rather that I can meet with Him regardless of whether or not He does. That I can align my heart with his and even if this pain remains for the rest of my life, that I will still want to meet with Him through it above all else. 

Simple Summer

I was challenged recently to describe what I want my summer to look like. I was surprised to discover the things I really want. 

Disconnect

I'm sick of phones, Facebook, Voxer, Viber and texting. I'm limiting myself to two hours of technology on non-work days. I want to write handwritten letters, and read a BOOK (not on a tablet)! Having my eyes constantly glued to an iPhone makes me rushed, anxious, unhappy. 

Make Stuff 

I have projects planned for this summer - little crafts for friends and around the house. I have a list of redecorating projects for every room in our home - nothing major, but enough to make things feel new. I'm going to keep my hands busy. 

Happy Distractions 

I want to have people over a lot this summer. On the patio, over for dinner, little ones on the trampoline....we have been blessed with a home. I want it to be a hangout destination for home cooked meals, board games and conversation. 

Reclaim Faith 

Summer devotions with the kids. Daily blogging. Private journaling. Prayer. Resting in God. Trusting. Believing. 

These are the only things I want this summer. Oh, I know we will still have dance, summer camp, swimming and gymnastics - I'm not blind to the crazy that is my life. But I do plan on making this summer as simple as possible. 

This life is being cleaned out. 

God's Grace versus Giving Up

I started new medication a little over a week ago. The fun thing about this type of medicine is you experience about 4 weeks of awful side effects, and don't see any of the benefits for 6-8 weeks. The sensible side of me (and she is very small)  knows that faithfully taking these new pills might be the answer I've been waiting for. The emotion-driven side of me (and she's quite large) is not exactly loving this process.

First, my ghrelin punched my leptin in the face and it apparently ran away. For you non-scientists out there, that means I am hungry ALL. THE. TIME. I have a slight reputation within my family for being a beast when I'm hungry. I am the epitome of "hangry." Right now I am living the hangry life, whining like a toddler to Frank about how I'm starving, and then realizing we just had breakfast an hour ago. Then, there are the panic attacks - coming at me like clockwork, and the nightmares where I see my children drowned together in the bathtub and other images frightening enough that I slept on their bedroom floor a few nights ago to protect them from the make believe horrors in my head. As if they could reach them somehow.

Last night, I completely broke. It was ugly, raw and also a relief to realize that my mind could not possibly get worse than this. There just isn't any way. I'm caught in the swirl of tempting death, self-destruction, freak show thoughts and incredibly real flashbacks......and outside the sun is shining and my baby is about to graduate Kindergarten.

What.
The.
Heck.
God.

Then, this week we got a call for a new building for Royal Stage. Incredibly perfect in every way. In fact, if I really weigh bad against good, Royal Stage has been kept perfect in every way thanks to God's goodness and protection. We keep getting new participants, this building is definitely within reach, we have our bills paid for summer....what do I do to deserve these blessings? How can part of me be so wretched, broken and awful, and the other part of me gets to direct this bright, wonderful, growing ministry? To be the mother of two happy, exuberant little children? To marry my high school sweetheart and consistently get paid to be a published writer? To have more friends than I have time to hang out with, and a house that I get to spend all summer redecorating?

And then there's the darkness, the compulsions, the realization another summer has come and nothing has changed, the breakdowns, the panic attacks, the fear, the overwhelming desire to put an end to something that looks very bad, but people keep telling me has the potential to be good.

Which half of me am I, God? Really.

His ways are beyond me. Despite the hurt, I just don't see how it's possible to fully give up in front of His grace.

One Step Ahead of June

My little girl's middle name is June. We got the idea from a woman of that name that Frank grew up with who just radiates God's joy and light. We still see her occasionally and she is fabulous. 

We also had a second reason for choosing her middle name. My entire world fell apart during the month of June. Twice. 

I won't go into details and I know I lean toward the histrionic, but for those who know me best there is likely agreement that these were genuine, life-altering, sky falling events. It sucked. 

I had to name my daughter June because there had to be hope in the summer again. There had to be something good to associate that stupid month with. 

When I look at her, I smile. 

Frustratingly, it hasn't changed summer much in terms of healing. I hate the heat, the feel of grass against my skin, the flashbacks....I am just no good at enjoying summer. I'm likely the only person on earth that dislikes summer. Seriously, who doesn't like summer? 

I've decided that this year is going to be different. It's not going to be my favorite season, but it can certainly be better than I've made it in the past. When I was in high school my favorite teacher gave me the quote, "Experience isn't what happens to you. It's what you do with what happens to you." Truth. Gosh. 

1) I'm going to slow things down. 

More time with my babies, more time with my husband, more time with my Jesus. I have made a slew of new friends this year - I'd like to have barbecues, craft days, anything that will remind me I don't need to act as if I'm all alone in this world. Because honestly, I'm about as far from alone as a person can get. 

2) I'm going to face fear in the face. I've already stared down some of it and it backed off. That's incredibly empowering - to know your emotional monsters are hiding in dark corners not because they are waiting to scare you, but because they're afraid you'll find out they're really not too much of a threat. 

3) I'm going to embrace the whole therapy thing. I hate doctors. I hate complainers. I hate swallowing pills. But right now my body doesn't work right and my life doesn't feel right - I'm going to kick butt until I'm better. I am currently being thrown completely off by new medication - always a treat the first few weeks in. But I KNOW I'll feel better. I KNOW there are things I can talk about that will kill off the fear. I KNOW that I want much more of God than I've ever experienced before. 

Is this summer going to be easy? Heck no. It never has been since....everything. But even when my head and heart insist on holding fast to dumb anniversaries.....at least i can can climb atop all that baggage and reach something better.