The Day After

Three or four times per year, our family experiences "the day after." 

It's the day that happens the day after that final curtain, when the show is over, we walk away from a process that has been a huge part of our life for 4 months, and it is bittersweet knowing that it's asking too much to ever have that exact same group of people in a room together again. Most will stay on for the next show, some will leave due to other commitments, a few will just drift away. It will never be exactly the same. And perhaps that's a good thing - because then the time you spend together belongs to God - it stands out in your mind as a memorable, special thing you can't control the time frame on, and it should be cherished. 

The day after for me usually involves loafing around the house in comfy clothes, writing thank you notes, responding to various ministry inquiries and just hanging out with my family - especially the kids who have rarely seen all four of us in the same room in quite some time (thank you MLK day for that gift!) 

For Sam, we go into a one-week detox - no show music allowed in common areas, a concerted effort to focus on other things like board games, reading, resting - NOT going to the studio with mommy to tie up loose ends. And we usually deal with irritated eyes, dry skin, nosebleeds, etc. from the theater air and dust that just messes him up. We also talk about going back to Kindergarten and not talking about the show. To not have a "look at me" attitude. To hear what went on in THEIR lives over the weekend, and if an urge to talk about being onstage comes up, to try talking about how Jesus met us there instead. 

And wow, did Jesus ever meet us. You guys, I was not excited for this show. We had a stress-heavy cast. There were so many burdens in the lives of these participants - our purpose was genuinely tested and proven as we dealt with each one, unraveling and assisting in complicated situations with several individuals. Walking through storms with them, and walking through our own with a severe lack of funds and never enough hours in the week. 

A few hours before opening night, when I was on my way to the theater, I lost my keys. I unlocked the car, buckled up the kids, ran back inside really quickly and could not find them. I had a complete mental breakdown, calling Frank hysterically, allowing the kids to see me hyperventilate and sob as I tore up the house and the car looking for them, and then finding them in a very obvious place. The stress and craziness that had been piling up on top of me since October just came pouring out at a very inopportune time. By the time I got to the theater, I was all cried out and reminded the devil he has no place in our ministry. At all. There isn't an inch of room available to him. He needed to leave. 

The shows ended up going smoothly. Our audiences were generous and the cast was exceptionally strong despite everything thrown our way this season. This ended up being one of the best onstage casts we've ever had - they presented the message of the script loud and clear - I am seriously incredibly proud of them! 

We also experienced incredible ministry backstage. Dedicated, real prayer for an injured dancer. Myself and another leader got the honor of catching the tears of some young participants who really stepped out and were real with themselves and what they were thinking/feeling. SUCH good work done in hearts this wknd! 

So with this, I ask myself.....

Can I finally just trust God has got this? 

Can I focus more on kindness and encouragement than I do on trying to do everything myself and failing? 

In light of all we have to face in the next few months, can I just calm the heck down and trust God? 

I totally can. 

I love Him so much. He provides when things seem impossible. He doesn't provide the bare minimum - he gives an ABUNDANCE of good blessings to those who love Him. And this is a ministry that loves Him. 

No one and nothing can ever take that away. 

Day 8 - Drive-By Joy

So sleepy today - needed caffeine. And a taco, for some strange reason. Sure, it was 8am but who's judging? I certainly did not make any sort of dietary New Year's resolution - I'm Italian and too passionate for that nonsense.

I hit the Del Taco drive through on my way home from dropping the kids off this morning. A sweet woman in a fine mood took my money at the window, when I started to get that weird feeling I get whenever God wants me to do something I would never think to do on my own.

It's not my favorite feeling, because it makes me vulnerable and potentially look beyond ridiculous, but I'm starting to get used to it.

Tell her I think she's special and that I love her.

Whaaaaaaaaaat.....okay.........

I look into my purse and see a Starbucks card I got for Christmas as I put my debit card back into my wallet. As the lady hands me my oh so healthy breakfast of coke and chicken taco, she smiles and starts to close the window.

"Oh, wait!"

She looks at me like I'm gonna ask her for hot sauce.

"I had this in my purse, and God told me to give it to you. I don't know why, I'm just being obedient - but He wants me to tell you that you're special and He loves you a lot."

Her jaw literally dropped. I don't think I've ever seen anyone look surprised like that. She thanked me and she said she would put it to good use.

I repeated again, "You're welcome, no problem. God just really wants you to know you're loved."

Her eyes filled up with tears, and she looked relieved somehow. It's hard to describe, but her entire demeanor changed from busy, perky fast food employee to reflective, relieved, grateful human being.

Over a stupid Starbucks card.

I love this God of ours and the little ways He allows us to share our wealth - even if it's just a coffee card.

Change of Perspective

Yesterday was a tough day filled with tough conversations and a situation I wasn't prepared for. I had to skip a New Year's party I had been looking forward to for weeks so I could spend all night resolving it. It kind of sucked. 

I spent all day in tears. I spent all night in a fit of equal parts determination and devastation. 

And by 11pm, there was no other place I wanted to be. 

Wait what? Gee Tam, you sure know how to party, huh? 

Don't get me wrong - I was so looking forward to the party. It made me sad I wasn't there and that probably no one even noticed I was missing. My second choice (3rd, 4th or 5th either.....) of plans also had nothing to do with untangling a mess that mostly resulted from someone else's choices. But it was what it was, and I jumped into the evening asking God to bless. 

Throughout the night alone, I was reminded what INCREDIBLE people I know. They allowed God to use them yesterday and were a direct answer to my prayers. 

I was forced to spend literally hours dissecting every documented moment of Royal Stage over the past year - every dime we spent, every activity we had, every outreach we organized......

And as the night went on, my heart was filled with an overwhelming peace and joy. 

For months I've been walking around with a little storm cloud over my head in regards to my ministry. Things haven't gotten accomplished in my timing, spiritual and ministerial goals I placed upon myself and my leadership have fallen terribly short, and our upcoming show.....yeah, not looking how I want it to AT ALL. 

Me, me, me. Myself, want, mine. 

Wow. Forgive me, Lord. What the heck. I didn't used to be resentful or angry. I didn't used to be frustrated with our girls or disappointed with our programs. And in some off twist of irony, our dancers and actors are GOOD. We spent many years building up an artistically capable group and God delivered big time this year. 

And all I can do is mope and complain? 

I'm so sorry . 

For hours as I read documents and typed in information , God brought to mind the events of the past year. It was like a significant portion of the past 12 months flashing before my eyes and I felt all of the joy, victory and love again our ministry is honestly so dang good at producing. 

It was through these memories I realized I haven't been happy at Royal Stage for a very long time. And I haven't been happy because I simply could not believe that God would trust me with something so great. 

4 what is man that you are mindful of him,
    and the son of man that you care for him?

I've been told for so long that I deserve to be unhappy, that I haven't given myself permission to see the joy. I have been told for so long that I will fail and screw up, that I assumed I already had. 

Now instead I thought about the girls I've seen improve emotionally/physically, the leaders that have grown so much in their faith, the dancers who have returned to Christ after overcoming anger and resentment toward him, the hugs received from our outreach participants, the conversations and prayer times, the victories, the great performances , the healings......yeah. 

Get over yourself, Tam. God loves you and believes in you. End of story. 

He believes in all of us and loves us all beyond reason. 

2014 is going to be an incredible year - I feel so fortunate to get to start it with a new perspective on serving Him.