A One Day Project

On a website I recently read that for many, writing a book is really a one-day project....

......as in "one day I will do this....." 

Life gets in the way and leaves little time to selfishly hide out and express one's heart through creative means. It's easy to see how so many stories meant to be told never were because there are just too many other things to do. 

This fall, I got good and mad at this fact, because I've wanted to write a book since I was 5 and never have. This is because of busyness or more honestly out of fear I don't have a good enough story within me to tell. But the desire to write beyond the marketing articles I get paid for each month has always been there. 

It was time to get over my fear I suppose, because even though it's been a long time goal, it now seems to all be happening so fast. 

My book will be available for purchase next week in paperback everywhere and also on Kindle. 

I'll write more about it tomorrow but just wanted to share how happy I am it's completed and almost ready to share with the world. 

:)  

Churchiversary

In coming across an old email, I realized yesterday had been a year since we first attended our amazing church. It has been a year filled with making new friends, allowing my heart to be healed and watching my kids be loved and embraced by a church family we hopefully will get to keep for a long time! 

When we left the church we attended for 7 years it was gut wrenching. It was probably one of the most emotionally difficult experiences of my life. I still have moments where I am hit with grief for the people we were forced to leave behind - it was all so sudden and not having a chance to say goodbye to people who were like family majorly poured salt in. My real family and all my best friends live hours away - it literally felt as if I lost my entire world. 

When we left, God gave us a wonderful congregation that served sort of as a "hiding place" for us. We love and 100% believe in that church. It had several other " refugees" from our former church that had left when we did - which was so comforting but did not allow us a way to properly heal. We needed a fresh start. 

Only I didn't want one. Despite the wonderful hiding place, I hated church. My trust was gone. I had a powerful resentment against church leaders. I was walking around with my heart in a million shattered pieces but was simultaneously trying to convince myself I didn't give a crap. 

The first time I went to Crossroads I walked in with cynicism and full intent to just go through the motions of the whole church game and attempt to make it out alive. 

A year later, my whole world has changed. 

So this Thanksgiving week, I am beyond grateful for a church family I never thought I would find. 

I'm thankful that: 

Our kids leap out of the car and RUN to the church, they love it and their friends there. 

It's the place I feel safest. My walls are gone, I feel like I have permission to be happy there. 

I'm not afraid of God anymore after years of functioning under an unhealthy, guilt-riddled fear. 

I have a pastor who isn't afraid to tell me the truth. I love that I can ask him questions and he won't sugar coat things. He'll tell me how it is and even when that's difficult to hear, it's invaluable. 

I have a pastor's wife that prays with me, who has come to be with me at a moment's notice during some really dark times and can impressively match me in sarcastic wit. 

I have made some seriously great friends who love The Lord above all else. I don't feel alone in dumb Sacramento anymore. 

Things I blamed myself for seemingly FOREVER - I'm free from. They don't rule over me anymore. 

There are people who know everything about me and still love me. 

I view God as a loving daddy instead of an angry punisher. 

I've gotten annoyed at people and they've gotten annoyed with me, and life goes on and no grudges are held. Things are healthy. 

I've gotten an entire year to experience church as God intended it to be, and I'm totally humbled and blessed by that. 

So if you're part of Crossroads, thank you. Because seriously? Yay :) 

Deleted

Tonight, Sam came into our bedroom while I was working on my laptop and asked if we could snuggle before he had to go to bed. 

Here is a visual aid, because he's really handsome ;) 

He ended up drifting off to sleep next to me, and one of the last things he said was "I love you, mommy." 

I told him I loved him too, and then he said, "Yes, I know. You love me and even when you are angry or frustrated at me, you still love me and will always be glad you have me." 

He's repeated this back to me before, and I'm always glad when he does because it's something I always want him to remember. I want him to always be secure in my love for him, especially now that he's five and his sister is two and I tend to be "angry or frustrated" a lot. 

There are words I'm determined to delete from my vocabulary before the year is through, partly because of these two precious little sponges that live with me and partly because I've decided they're just not good for me. 

I hate _____________. 

I've abused this term since I was a kid. I hate raw tomatoes. I hate traffic. I hate hot weather. According to the dictionary, hate means "extreme dislike", which seems quite accurate - but hearts hear it differently. I don't really HATE these things. I hate seeing others in pain. I hate injustice. I hate lies. It isn't good to throw around the word "hate" for tomatoes and traffic - it hardens the heart too easily. 

I'm ugly. 

Yeah, I think this one daily. I refuse to give it power by speaking it aloud anymore, no matter how true I may think it is at times. I'm half my mother -  an incredible cook, funny, creative writer and a sentimental spirit. The other half comes from my father - tenacious and determined. I shouldn't hate my roots, even when they frustrate me. I shouldn't disrespect what God chose me to look like, even when I don't agree. 

I can't.  

A lot of times I think I can't. But I can. And I have. And I will. 

I'm not good enough. 

Yeah, probably so. But God hasn't filled my position with anyone else yet and I'm still here and breathing, so I guess I should just keep going and trust Him to provide everything I cannot. 

I'm afraid. 

I refuse to be afraid anymore. Nothing good comes from fear. 

A lot of good, safe, wonderful things come every day, when you allow yourself to look for them. 

Thankful

Today I'm thankful my son goes to a truly amazing Kindergarten. 

Making yams 

His place setting 

Pop was hungry too! 

A Story in Pictures

The Value Of It - Not What You May Think

I have to admit, I'm a little jaded. There is a routine grind to tech week - things take longer than expected, stuff breaks, a costume always get lost, dances always get jumbled and need to be straightened out again.....and when you're doing a suburban children's show, add in helicopter parents, kids who feel they're an exception to the rules, moms not so subtly suggesting they take their kids to another theater group if they don't get (fill in the blank) from you.....it can be easy to lose perspective. 

Last night, as I was fixing a tiny little girl's microphone for her, she asked me "how does it work?" 

"What?" 

"How will it stay on me and make me loud?" 

This simple easy-to-answer question hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized the value of Annie this weekend. 

I've selfishly been inviting certain people, not inviting others that I want to come to our "better" January show with the teens/adults that I am afraid won't come to two things in such a short time frame. 

Gosh have I been wrong. 

Over half of the Annie cast are performing in their first stage production ever. They are a blank canvas that we've had the privilege of adding art to. 

At least 2-3 kids have no one coming to see them this weekend. Dad is in jail, mom doesn't give a crap, friends don't have money , etc. 

A good handful of the children do not know the Gospel. I've heard the most incredible conversations backstage. I had a very interesting one myself with someone. We have been witnessing to them since August and honestly had no idea. 

Serves me right for treating the suburbs as "less than" compared to our downtown inner city kids, our trafficking survivors, our January cast of teens/adults that have overcome crazy life struggles.......

These kids are PRECIOUS. I mean, I already knew that....but this week as I've seen souls more fully exposed under the stress of tech week., truths coming out......

If you can make it to the ' ville this weekend.....coming to cheer them on may be more valuable than you ever would realize! 

10 of about 22 great kiddos performing this wknd....some come from wonderful loving amazing homes - others....not so much. 

In response to the little actress wondering about her microphone, I told her, "we are going to put this on you and then you don't have to worry. See that man up there? He's controlling it all - he will make sure you are heard." 

Obviously I was talking about the sound guy. But in retrospect it's kinda metaphorical too. 

So grateful God will make sure these children are heard this wknd! 

Come! Sat at 4pm or 7pm; Sun at 2pm. 

My Unexpected Life of Entrepreneurialism

If you ever wondered whether or not I am a rock star speller, the fact I spelled entrepreneurialism correctly (twice!) on the first try should convince you. 

This blog post is basically a shameless plug. I was feeling really down yesterday - battling things I wish I didn't have to - and whenever I feel that way I do one of two things: 

1) Descend into a hopeless spiral of self-pity and destruction

2) Realize that part of my struggle is very simply resolved by reaching out and helping someone else 

In 2014, I'm blessed with a ton of opportunities to help others. Of course, there are my usual duties as director of Royal Stage, and God has tremendously gifted us with just the sweetest of times with each other as a ministry. He is doing a powerful work through our leaders and it is so humbling to see. 

Outside of RS, I present to you the following list of exciting endeavors: 

1. January service fair through our winter stage production, benefiting women & children 

2. Missions trip to India in April 

3. Missions trip to Ghana in June (Sam is going with me!!!) :) 

All together, I need to raise over $6000 by June. There are ways you can help if you love Royal Stage, can't go on a missions trip personally but would like to support one....or if you've ever just wanted to send Sam to another country, as we often do ;) 

Buy My Book 

The cover art is done. It is pretty! It's going through final editing and will be available December 1st! Lifelong dream realized :) More info soon. 

Satisfy Your Sweet Tooth

I decided I was serious about my Ugly Cupcake bakery idea. You can order some seriously yummy treats here. 

Get Some New Clothes 

My amazing friend Ashley gave me permission to steal the clothes swap idea we did at church. So fun, and everyone gets great new stuff and rid of some of their old things! Let me know if you want to come to our swap on Nov 23 at 4pm at the dance studio and I will send you the FB invite. 

Come See a Royal Stage Show or Donate!

Come see Sam perform in "Annie" next weekend

Come see both of us perform in Project365 in January

Make a donation in lieu of purchasing tickets 

So there you have it - get some sweets, read a new book, change up your look or take in some live theater. Can't go wrong with any of that! 

The Holidays Versus My Sanity

It's coming. I'm starting to see little snippets of it everywhere.....ceramic ornaments of the White House at the post office, tree decorations for sale at Apple Hill, that classic "Believe" decor at Macy's.......

I'll tell you what I believe - I believe I am SO not ready for the holidays.

Every year I vow to be a total Pinterest mom, to snap photos of my children laughing beneath the holly-trimmed fireplace mantel, donning their brand new Christmas Eve pajamas.

Spoiler alert: This isn't going to happen. But I will try my darndest to make it a reality.

Right now our reality is the fact Sam has said to me at least five times in the past week, "Moooooommmmmm,when are we going to do our Thankfulness Treeeeeeeeee????"

The kid doesn't forget anything. And he's right - the Thankfulness Tree was our favorite family project last year and deserves a repeat.



This is not our actual tree, but it looked a lot like this. Of course, because I am running around like a crazy person (in a hurry. on fire.) by November, I didn't actually take a picture of said tree. But ours really did look like this. I have no idea who those people are in that picture.

So, we have to get the damn tree done this week. It's sort of a mandate or else I fear someone will come knocking on our door to confiscate my mom card.

I also have a pile of update letters for Royal Stage I need to send out. Because a fall update is going to quickly become a winter update if I don't get my rear in gear and send those suckers out.

If I accomplish those two tasks, I shall have a celebratory glass of apple juice and prepare for Thanksgiving, which is my all time favorite holiday. I REFUSE to be stressed about Thanksgiving and instead be thankful about all we have - because seriously we are so incredibly blessed.

Following Thanksgiving, things will likely proceed as follows:

• Mail Christmas cards
• Receive Christmas cards and then frantically print out and mail more of ours to those we forgot to send them to until we got THEIR card and realized
• Rejoice in the knowledge this is the first year both kids are old enough to know better than to gnaw on any portion of the Christmas tree
• Restring the tree with my grandmother's vintage bead garland approximately ten times as Charlotte snatches it for her jewelry collection the moment I'm out of sight
• Argue with my mother serveral times over Christmas plans. "Yes, we really do want you to come visit. No, it won't be a burden. Yes, we promise not to ever give away the toys you buy the kids EVER." 
• Attempt the selected Pinterest projects for three of my favorite people born in Nov/Dec
• Frantically run out and buy gifts to replace the Pinterest projects that didn't turn out anything like they were online (shocking). 
• Christmas shop completely online
• Find some of the same items at a better price at a store
• Explain to 59,283,583,000 people why we don't do Santa at our house
• Have a gorgeously wonderful, peaceful, reflective Christmas Eve
• Wake up way too early on Christmas morning and receive renewed strength for the day from our kids' smiling faces
• Have a stressful Christmas afternoon
• Bake Jesus' birthday cake with Sam and enjoy it before bedtime
• Carefully deliberate over New Year's plans
• End up going to bed at 10pm despite our best efforts

Hello, January. Repeat. 

The Ugly Cupcake

I love to bake. You know I love you if I find an excuse to make you food, and especially if I make you something sweet and fattening. One of my most prized possessions is my grandma's dessert recipes - her coffee frosting, her Christmas spice cookies and frosty fruit bars....as the holidays get closer I start to crave adequate time to produce all sorts of unhealthy crap in my kitchen.

The one issue - I suck at presentation. The stuff I bake usually tastes pretty darn wonderful, but usually I lose major points in aesthetics. I was thinking of baking some stuff to raise money for my upcoming trip to India, and maybe I would market the baked goods through a home bakery that I would refer to as The Ugly Cupcake.

That way people's expectations won't be very high.

Yeah. I like it.

Are you an ugly cupcake? I totally am. A lot of times I have sweet intentions and want to do the right thing - but my outward presentation completely stinks. I have an incredibly introspective heart, and if I could just get the stupid words out, I think I could make a difference in the world. Probably. Maybe?

I see strongholds in the lives of many of my friends and I completely, 100% understand what they are going through. I wish there was a chance for me to speak out, to allow God to speak through me and to get past all the sugar coating we conceal ourselves with and really find solutions to the issues going on that are FAR from sweet.

• low income kids that ask me to take them to Africa this summer with my dancers
• self-harm
• sexual abuse 
• violence in the home 
• depression, anxiety, panic
• the fact Winter Oreos are out before Thanksgiving......

These are the things that hit my ministry life daily (well, except the Oreos. That's a personal problem), and I'm praying God will give me new ideas and ways to combat these things. That God will take MY burned up, misshapen, poorly adorned past and use it to whip up a seriously amazing future that will impact lives and glorify HIM. 

This morning I was doing a word search with Sam. He was super impressed that I found "mustard." He was so taken with my incomparable word search capabilities that he told me, "Mommy, you did such a good job I am going to write your name on this paper!" 

And he did. 

I smile when I think of how God has written our names on HIS heart. That the simplest things we do, He is so proud and loves us so. Maybe that's where I've been going wrong - instead of trying to climb some sort of personal Everest, I need to just start with a little dirt hill and go from there. Step by step.

My prayer tonight is that everyone remembers that God can use us, right where we are. Even when we feel we have to produce this sweet layer of something beautiful for the world to see - when we feel that pressure to do something that pleases everyone else........that we will remember just to please Him instead. And that people will remind me of that, too.

Making the List

At church on Sunday, our pastor talked about being thankful for those God has placed in our life. In an instant I could mentally list dozens of people in my life that would make my list. Our church is filled with wonderful, humble, real people. Royal Stage has one heck of a leadership team/staff right now. Everywhere I look, there are people I admire and wish to emulate because of their love of God.

I also thought that it's likely I'm not on anyone's list. 

Someone told me awhile back that someone said I look unhappy all the time - that really hit me hard. That person hasn't known me long, and God has certainly been taking me through a journey where I have been becoming much more real and transparent.....but gosh. I don't want to walk around looking sad and, as she put it, "disappointed with life and the high expectations she sets." And what's funny, I think my life has actually been happier than ever lately. Do I still fight for peace within myself? Absolutely. But circumstantially - I have zero reason to come across to others as "sad all the time." 

Boo :( 

Oh wait. Dang it. I just did. 

I want to be on someone's list. I want there to be someone in the world who considers me to be an encourager, a good friend, an uplifter, a prayer warrior, etc. Not because I want them to think I am an awesome person, but because I want to point them back to Jesus. I want my life to glorify HIM instead of my own motives or emotions. And it sucks to realize I've fallen so short of that goal. I am determined to work on that - I need to figure out what exactly it is I offer this world, and start using it to the fullest rather than staying secluded within my own little world. 

Just for the record, if you're reading this right now and you know me in "real" life, you are definitely on my list. This time of year compels us all to feel more thankful for what we have - and even though I know I make fun of those sappy Facebook statuses, truly I am thankful for all of you that are in my life! Thank you for being there - even when I am apparently walking around looking dissatisfied all the time and have no idea. 

Thirty Days

Everyone is doing these Thirty Days of Thankfulness posts on Facebook right now....I have to admit, they are draining me a little. Not because it's a bad idea, but just they are all thankful for the same things - friends, family, kids.......

I am obviously thankful for these things. I have AMAZING friends, beautiful babies, a loving husband, a nice family - I'm pretty much spoiled rotten in the relationship department, so I'm just going to spare everyone on Facebook this year and instead note here 30 things I am thankful for beyond the obvious :) 

I'm thankful for.....

1. After living my entire life with a nut allergy, I just recently discovered that Honey Nut Cheerios actually don't have nuts at all. People, I'm gonna go buy me a box of Honey Benzaldehyde Cheerios. So excited!

2.  The razor in my car glove box. Ladies, how many times have you shaved your legs and then when you get out in the sunlight realize you missed a spot on your knees? Hate that. And it doubles as a weapon if I ever get mugged at a gas station. Win. 

3. Magic eraser. It is seriously the most amazing thing ever invented. It has resurrected many a couch cushion, bedroom wall and many pieces of cheap IKEA furniture I'm kinda bummed were able to be fixed because now we still have the cheap IKEA furniture. 

4.  My favorite cozy pants. Before a friend stopped speaking to me with zero explanation, I had borrowed a pair of her sweats a few weeks prior. Then she stopped talking to me, and I still have the pants. They are the most comfortable thing ever. Much more so than the friendship ever was. Win! 

5. Target. Without my kids. Though it often leads my bank account into temptation.....I love it there. 

6. Jack in the Box mini churros. Seriously guys, try them. Convince a friend to get a milkshake for themselves, dip your churros in it, experience true joy. 

7.  Netflix and their diverse array of freaky reality shows that help me realize how normal and functional I am at the end of the day. 

8. The cop that is RIGHT THERE on the side of the road to pull over the guy that goes way over the speed limit to cut me off. 

9. Disneyland. Every single square inch of that place. 

10. That colored jeans are "in" again. Gosh I've missed 3rd grade. In fact, my pants right now are purple and I'm feeling fine. 

11. The way my husband can make me laugh and laugh, but a lot of people think he's kinda shy and stoic. It's like I get to be in on a great secret :) 

12. Singing Barbara Manatee and The Marshmallow Song in the car as loud as I can with my five and two year olds as back up singers. 

13.  The small army of hair products that work mightily to transform my hair from "lion's mane" to "slightly disheveled 80s rock band." Much more manageable. 

14. Oreos. Double stuff, heads & tails, Halloween, Christmas, in a McFlurry....however, whenever. OREOS.

15. My two year old in legwarmers at her ballet class. I die. 

16. A church with people I can tell anything to, whenever and wherever. And then they tease me about it all, and it's okay :) 

17. The National Lampoon movies. They never get old. 

18. That crazy, superhuman endorphin boost after dance rehearsal where you're all energized and feel you could go out and lift a car or something. 

19. Handwritten letters and cards. You have to get it in the mail, or else it doesn't count. Getting fun mail is the BEST. It may be my favorite thing ever - I have a box of cards from people I'll keep until the end of time. 

20. The first time the heater in the house turns on. I drop whatever I'm doing, go hunt down a pair of cozy socks and slide down the hallway as an expression of joy. 

21. Running through sprinklers. I will run through sprinklers, jump into a fountain or do pretty much anything water related and illegal anytime, anywhere. 

22. The dog in Wayne's World. Never gets old. 

23. My mom's legit Italian cooking. And how every single time she makes bomb garlic bread, forgets it's in the oven, leaps off the couch and runs to the kitchen swearing and pulling it out just when it's still perfect. 

24. Our nosy, bat crap crazy busy body neighbor across the street. Because I know we will never be robbed, vandalized or have UPS packages stolen because he never misses ANYTHING. 

25. Picking Sam up from Kindergarten every day, and how he has to stop and say goodbye to no less than 4 little girls on the way to the car. Ladies man :) 

26. The fact my husband knows at least a little something about everything. When the wi-fi on my phone fails, it's no big deal because I am married to Mr. Google. 

27. That I grew up in the bay area. I'm not afraid of diversity, acceptance, windy days or alarmingly low-quality Chinese food at midnight. 

28. The opportunities I've had to travel the world. I can say "No, I won't do that for a dollar" in 11 different languages. (just kidding, but I do ask how at every country I've been to and have them all written down in a notebook somewhere in case of emergency). 

29. My little girl's precious, perfect golden ringlets. Although I know she sadly hurtling down the path toward #13...... 

30. Crockpots. Because I am laaaaaaaazy! 

Thirty things added up pretty quickly. My life.....it's good. It really is. 

Praise Forward

I am praising God today. Because I have to. We are commanded to, and despite what goes on in our heads or hearts - He remains God and He is good. 

No matter what I think or feel, I will never take God's goodness away from Him. Not as if I could - but I would never even attempt it because I am learning more and more each day how I am nothing without him. 

Today at Creative Chapel I gave the dancers the option of praying or praising. I stayed inside with the praying and sent the praising out with sidewalk chalk. Their assignment: share how good God is with those outside our "church circle". It's so easy to hide inside our little dance studio - let's get joy out there. 

It regenerates. People notice. People encouraged. People will read those praises for the next handful of days. I love the hearts at Royal Stage. 

Choose joy. Even when it's the hardest thing you've ever had to do.