Dear Little Strong One

Charlotte June, being your mother is an uphill battle sometimes. You know what you want out of life and consider yourself quite good at getting it. Mommy & Daddy don't let you win, and so you waste a lot of playtime screaming and crying - but I know in the end (if we survive to see it), it will be worth it because you'll be a strong, confident woman of God who won't be pushed around and can handle whatever adversity comes your way. 

Today was your last ballet class of the summer, and as far as I'm concerned, your last ballet class ever. Can you announce your retirement at three years old? 

Here you are walking around the pillows, because you were told to jump over them. 

Honey badger don't care.....

Here you are moving your feet into fifth , because everyone else is in first. 

And basically not doing the dance at all in favor of playing with your space marker. 

Get in the assigned spots for the dance? What's it to you? 

You know who you are. Your heart is confident and your plans will be big. I pray you never lose that fire within....even though it may make me old and grey in the process. 

Two Weeks Remain

I got an email from Sam's school tonight reminding me in just two weeks we go to meet his first grade teacher, and the next day school begins. 

This.

Summer.

Has.

Flown.

By.

And that, above all else, is an answer to prayer. This isn't a new topic on my blog, about how summer and I don't get along and how much I was dreading it... but now we are just a couple of days away from August and all I can do is thank God.

Thankful for the incredible summer camp teachers he provided Royal Stage with, which prevented camp from being a stressful mess - both sites ran beautifully!

 

Thankful for swim dates with my kids, and Frank's job that provides daily pool access. 

Thankful for summer nights with church family - movies at Ginger's house, long talks with Ashley, the state fair with Elizabeth, endless chats with Jen, soaking up Michael's wisdom, play dates with beautiful women and their precious kids, meals together, game nights, getting closer to so many more people at church - it seems now as if it has always felt like home.

Thankful for lasting friendships from Sam's kindergarten - amazing women who have entered my life and the wonderful little friendships he's maintained this summer. 

Thankful for generous supporters of my ministry who didn't forget us over the lazy summer months. 

Thankful for the discovery of sushi burritos and the best frozen yogurt on the planet. 

Thankful for pedicures and Netflix. 

Thankful for my amazing, loving, supportive husband that encourages, provides, protects and embraces our  little family. 

Thankful for my two bright, beautiful babies who have grown so big and are so much fun. 

Thankful for the amazing health and stability of Royal Stage. Our amazing time in Tahoe, our touring performances, our summer collaborative, irreplaceable teachers, incredible prayer partners....

Thankful for how I've learned I feel better in the sunshine, how fun barbecues are, how much I love dusk with my bible in a hammock, how a glass of ice cold lemonade can remedy an awful lot. 

Thankful for my Jesus, and how I haven't completely healed, but healing has definitely begun. 

A Simpler Life

After a few days completely "off the grid" for personal reasons, I jumped in way too quickly this weekend. Returning to a full speed schedule right away left me frozen in my seat after a church meeting tonight. Panic. Exhaustion. 

Not God's will, you know? Here I go again with my crazy existence, and for what? It's been proven time and again that my marriage, my ministry, my relationship with my kids - they are all so much better when I can slow the heck down. 

This has been a great summer, but it's time to give into its simple form again....something I've never really experienced, since I've been burning the candle at both ends since the womb. 

I'm turning off Facebook notifications on my phone. I'll manually check it twice a day and catch up. 

I won't spend more than an hour a day reading anything on my phone, not counting my bible app, of course. 

I will remind myself that the world won't crumble if text messages aren't answered right away. 

I'm going to have more time to truly pursue God's will. To read stories to the kids in our backyard hammock. To engage in face-to-face conversations without distractions. To be healthy and whole. 

More time for what counts. 

I've spent so much time and energy trying to ensure I don't waste my life. And instead, I've forgotten to enjoy it. 

A New Trick

For those of you who struggle with depression or anxiety, I created a new trick for myself last night when I was really going through it. 

I couldn't find the focus to pray or read my bible (though I am a strong advocate of always trying those things first), and so I started with the letter A and named one thing I'm grateful for/how God has protected me. I kept going through the alphabet until I was centered again - it took awhile - I got to W :) But I could feel myself start to return to a rational place and then I was able to pray and fell asleep reading that amazing bible. 

This may sound lame, but I'm willing to be corny and weak if it means someone reads this and is helped by it. 

You're not alone. Say your ABCs.

A - Anxiety. Thankful for it because it keeps me close to God. 

B - Bible. I can open it up and have God speak to me whenever I need it.

C - Charlotte. I prayed for a daughter and God gave me a beautiful, silly, free-spirited, loving little one. 

D - Dance. It gets my endorphins going and has been with me most of my life. 

E - Experiences. They give me compassion, strength, the ability to encourage others. 

F - Frank. Because God gave me a great, loyal, committed husband. I mean come on.....I struck gold at 16 and my heart was saved from so much. 

G - God. My father, my shield, my inspiration, my hiding place, my everything. 

H - Happy people. I've been surrounded by them lately - it's contagious. 

I - India. I love my India and can't wait to go back - I think about it daily. (Please note Ice Cream was first runner up. It fixes everything.) 

J - Jesus. I can't even.....wow....won't even try to explain him in a single sentence. 

K - Kindness from others who pray for me, support my ministry, love on my kids, believe in me....

L - Life. I have an amazing one. 

M - Memories. The ones that hurt keep me moving forward. The ones that heal keep me encouraged when I fall backward. 

N - Newness! (Is that even a word? N is where it started to get tricky....) A new morning, a new dress, a new package of Oreos, a new season....I love having another chance. 

O - Opportunity - God has chosen me to be a writer, a non-profit director, a wife and mother - so many opportunities to rely on Him through these things and to get to experience really amazing stuff! 

P - Patience. I don't have much, but He is making me develop more. 

Q - Quiet mind. I've only ever experienced this a few times in my life, but I am so thankful whenever I do! 

R - Roller Derby!!!! So awesome!!! Have you gone? No? Then sit down! 

S - Sam. My first baby, my outgoing, creative, loving boy. 

T - Tenacity. Because I'm still here, suckers. 

U - Understanding. God has endless understanding and patience for me. And I need all of it! 

V - Volunteers. Royal Stage has incredible ones!!! 

W - Wisdom. God had placed incredibly wise people in my life and I'm so grateful for them. 

Here, my struggle ended. And gosh I'm glad because I really didn't want to think of an X or a Z. 

The Best Day Ever

It's true that one of the best ways to bless someone is to bless their children. So thankful for Our family, friends, Sam's NICU nurses and everyone else who loved on our boy Wednesday.

Between surprise bday cupcakes at his summer camp, Chuck E Cheese and the state fair, he had such a great day! 

Up, Up and Away...

As I may have mentioned prior, I have a list of very odd fears including dragonflies, swimming in dark water and Universal Studios. People often laugh when I list some of my fears, and because the strong majority of them are ludicrous, I totally get it. The thing that gets ME though, are the fears in life that are truly out of my control. I just hate those guys - the way they creep in and sit on my lungs whenever I try to express them aloud in prayer or to a trusted friend.

But I'm learning. Slowly but surely learning how to control them, and also learning how to live. This summer has been a remarkable time for me. It's been incredibly difficult but also filled with tremendous blessings. The blessing of learning to let go, trust others, do hard work and just be brave instead of whiny. Some insanely negative people/situations have officially left my world, and some positive lights have quickly filled the gaps.

I really feel as if I am living summer for the first time, and it's kinda beautiful.

This afternoon I got some bad news. It seems like the moment I crawl into my hot air balloon of happiness to go for a ride, someone shoots an arrow into it and down I come. This happened again today, when something was brought to my attention that I now have to deal with.

I could all but audibly hear the devil laughing.

When I was younger I used to chuckle at that Mother Teresa quote about how God won't give us more than we can handle, and how she wished God didn't trust her so much. I am SO thankful that God hasn't called me to Mother Teresa status, and yet also humbled how much, in my own little world, He has chosen to trust me.

I am reminding myself daily that while I am on the front lines right now, fighting for peace and sanity with everything going on both in and around me, I am also an armed soldier.

If you are going through it, make an inventory of what you have to bring with you into the trenches, and eventually you will find yourself climbing up, out and away from the darkness. As I am currently in Day 12(ish) of my latest battle, I've been making an inventory list, too. I am not out of the darkness yet, but I also know God promised I will be.

My Inventory

God has supplied me with tenacity to hang on.
God has supplied me with His Word for relief.
God has supplied me with a fully-working body to dance, write, swim, laugh, shout, run and work.
God has supplied me with friends that actually pray for me when they say they will.
God has supplied me with family that challenges me daily to strongly define who I am and stick to it.
God has supplied me with everything I need to head into a 5th year of non-profit work.
God has supplied me with......everything I need.

Fear be gone. My God is bigger. You may catch me at the surface, but His love runs deeper through my veins than anything else you've got.

The Upside.

I worry a lot about my children inheriting my issues, as I'm sure most parents do. So far Sam has gotten my peanut allergy and dramarama response reflex. Charlotte has gotten my stubbornness and embarrasses super easily. These personality quirks are a bummer, but they aren't the end all. I am told almost daily how my kids are sweet, kind, loving, giving, obedient (ha! not at home!) and poignantly observant.

I worry much more about them inheriting mental illness. Catching the incessant bug of depression, anxiety, OCD - the things that we nonchalantly make fun of in society without really realizing it - many people not understanding how deeply the hurt digs in and how everything is affected.

Sometimes before bed, I go into the kids' room and crawl in next to each of them and pray. I pray over their little sleeping heads that they will be protected from these particular manifestations of evil. That they will never have traumas in their lives that trigger such outrageous aftershocks - that they will always be of sound mind and never feel the pain that people with a past of abuse or mental illness have no choice but to learn to live with on a daily basis.

And almost every night I do this, I go to sleep realizing that while God can do anything, it's not likely they will be completely spared. Everyone gets hurt at some point, but beyond that, genetics are genetics and the odds are at least half not in their favor.

So, my little spawns, while I will always pray for protection and peace for you, I've also started to both pray and act a bit differently. I am speaking out boldly about what has happened to me and this newer road I am currently on. Its power decreases when words are written, when thoughts and prayers are spoken aloud. I'm always praying that you will find little things in life that will always make living worthwhile.

Like reading God's word curled up in a hammock on summer evenings.
Like the invaluable moments of connecting with a good friend over dessert.
Like laughing so hard no noise comes out and you can't help but smile years later from the memory.
Like the freedom of dancing - or anything else that gives you power over your body and brief relief.
Like the amazing feeling of realizing a prayer has been answered, even when it's not "the one."
Like knowing you're loved unconditionally by God first, and hopefully a person or two as a bonus.
Like Disneyland at Christmastime.
Like the adrenaline rush of a really impressive roller coaster.
Like game nights and craft nights and any other night where you're surrounded by quiet positivity.
Like going back to bed during a rainstorm because you have nothing on the calendar.
Like receiving a spontaneous card in the mail just because.
Like hearing a really good sermon that feels as if it's just for you.
Like feeling God's love. Really, truly feeling it. 

And never, ever allowing the poison of genetic makeup get in the way of your victory.

P.S. - I just recently read a study that showed people with depression are four times as capable in art and have an intense creativity level. People with anxiety have very high levels of empathy and an ability to feel for and help others. Those with OCD are incredibly determined by nature and have impecable memories. So while you will struggle with forgetting the bad, you will also firmly remember the good.