Thursday Throwdown

Today something very sad happened. My children lost their ability to see. And hear. And be sane. They were apparently 100% unable to see their toys, clothes and other carnage strewn across the house. They could not hear my gentle whispers of guidance, my firm tone or my banshee screaming. By mid-afternoon I was offering my cherubs up to anyone childless who I felt could use a true blessing for the rest of the day. 

I should note that my emotions are likely exaggerated as I am on day 6 of this stomach bug/worm/parasite/demon whatever I picked up in Portland. Ick. 

I have no flipping clue what is up with my kids. I guess today is really a praise that overall I have sweet, compassionate, easy kids that I enjoy. I'm sorry Lord for not realizing that. Please know I've learned my lesson, and never afflict me with such insanity again. 

My 2-year-old, who can present the average viewer with no less than 10 distinct facial expressions at any given time will help narrate the day. 

I think it started last night when I refused to let Charlotte go to sleep with juice. I'm sorry kid, but we aren't running an all-night bar on the premises and you don't need to knock yourself out with some sippy cup love every night. 

She went to sleep furious. Charlotte is a dream kid at bedtime. Tuck her in, kiss her forehead, close the door. Bada bing, she's asleep. Sam is the kid that needs the story, the song, the prayer, the assurance no giants are going to come kidnap him in the middle of the night. Sam is our sweet but fearful child. Charlotte is just....chill. 

But not last night. Oh no, she woke up at 3am screaming, stomping, letting out vein-popping sobs of agony. I knew it was because of the dang juice. But I was in such disbelief, I pretended to stay asleep and let Frank deal with it. (I know, he married a true catch.) 

Eventually I got up too and wrestled the beast back into her slumber, compromising with a modest concoction of cranberry juice with mostly water, which she drank out of bed because I'm competitive and need to win. 

Both kids woke up at 5:20 for good. 

There she was. A mess of blonde curls up before the sun. Judging me. Mommy, do not drink water. Do not eat. Do not put your morning pants on. (Don't you judge me too - I hate pants - why would I bother with them in bed? My collection of morning pants is awesome....). 

Do not feed Sam. Do not touch Sam. Do not acknowledge Sam exists. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. You will sit here with me all day or I will scream. And scream and scream and scream. And do not tell me it's because I'm tired because I will hit you upside the head with my applesauce pouch like a crazy drunkard during my fit of tempestuous 6am rage. 

Sadly for her, I am just as stubborn - and much bigger - and so she did have to scream it out. She settled for being a semi-permanent appendage for the day. You haven't lived until you've applied makeup while hanging onto a 20-pound critic. You know what the result is? No makeup for the day. 

My barnacle and I finally got the house clean(ish) with the help of Sam, who lamented that his legs were broken. That he was trying and trying, but they just would not work. We witnessed two miraculous healings throughout the day as he was able to walk just fine when we went to get tacos for lunch and play his favorite dance game. Truly remarkable. 

Charlotte proceeded to only want the things Sam wanted. She NEEDED to play with his toys. She NEEDED to eat/drink whatever he did. She NEEDED to be an absolute nuisance in order to feel her life had purpose. She succeeded. Sam not only succumbed to her torments but proved the theory that the bullied becomes the bully in order to socially survive. 

This is how I navigated my way through errands, housework, regular work and an ill-fated trip to the library with one screaming barnacle and one whining, tearful spawn who decided he was experiencing the harshest of world injustices when I couldn't find his red baseball socks in time for his game. 

My little Red Sox player wore white socks. So sue me. Sam already intends to when he turns 18. 

Then frank arrives at the game around 5:30. 

Daddy, don't listen to anything mommy says. I don't know what this woman is talking about, she be crazy or somethin'...... 

And both children proceeded to be model citizens for the rest of the evening. Until bedtime..... But we'll just save that one for the movie version. 

I love you, baby girl. I love your beautiful, confident, bold spirit. And it's a darn good thing because I was beginning to appreciate why they only want boys in China. 

I

The Icky and the Happy

Every time I go out of town, I brace myself for some drama awaiting me at home. Life never fails to deliver.

This time, it was a situation with a new dance teacher. I love my growth experiences, I love my growth experiences, I love my growth experiences......

In a nutshell, contract was broken, so she was fired. With her dismissal came an offer to take free classes from us for life, so she can still feel involved and learn more about the heart of what we do, should she choose to.

She committed some pretty severe ministry/professionalism sins, and with that double whammy, it was definitely time to cut the cord.

I.

Hate.

Firing.

People.

Thank you Jesus, from the bottom of my heart, this is only about the 3rd time in the history of my world that I have had to tell someone, under any circumstances, to go away.

Of course, like any individual who vehemently brags about how professional, awesome and LUCKY WE ARE TO HAVE HER, she then proceeded to tirade on Facebook, accusing us to high heaven of things that we didn't even do.

People, I am a vengeful people pleaser. Do you understand what a toxic combination that is? I always want people to feel good, happy and loved - and I want them to KNOW I'M RIGHT, DARN IT!!!!

I wrote one heck of a long email to her in response to what I saw....and then hit delete instead of send.

OUCH. Not easy. But so important.

One sentence out of my email, "You just made a big mistake and have burned a lot of bridges. You are no longer welcome in our studio."

This is almost verbatim of what was told to me at a church once, and it has left my heart hurt ever since.

It's hard to keep my mouth shut. Even when I know I'm right (and I think I actually was this time!). But God prompted me to release her and to extend her love for the future. He did not prompt me to lash out, have revenge or show her what I think of her.

Then, within an hour, both of her classes were replaced by quality, godly teachers and all is calm.

Thank you Lord, for strength to be obedient in the icky of ministry, so I can further appreciate the happy :)

You Are My Sunshine

Fear Is a Crappy Driver

In the throes of my book writing. I know that sounds so ridiculous, because everybody wants to write a book, and what makes me any different? Absolutely bleepity bleep nothing. But for myself personally, it's begun a journey of some serious hindsight and recognizing truth for the first time in many experiences I've had.

I read this devotional last night, on the book of Job. How cliche of a Christian am I to turn to the book of Job during my own dark night of the soul? But really, this dude is the perfect example of "if I think my life is total crap, but it's okay because I know someone who's got it worse." Job's house implosion, slain children and head to toe boils make me feel better every time. He's like the patron saint of misery.

Anyway, here is what I read:
http://www.faithlifenow.com/blogs/gary-keesee/lie-about-job

I had never heard this viewpoint before, and I love it. I've thought a lot about God literally handing Job over to Satan on a platter, and know with my rational theological knowledge that it's all about free will, and Satan actually the ruler of earth, yadda yadda.

But to see that Job served God out of fear. That was new to me. Afraid for his children's salvation, giving God offerings out of fear....blurring the line between healthy "fear of God" and "fearing God." Job and I would've been BFFs.

Then his friends come along and try to talk sense into him.  It does not go well.

So what does God do? He reveals His goodness to Job. His faithfulness, his gentleness, his never-ending love for this boil-covered mess of a man who feels as if he's lost everything.

More years of my life have been driven by fear. My salvation moment didn't come with a fear-free lifetime pass. In fact, I dove right back into fear and stayed there. Sometimes (okay a lot of times), I'm still there.

Fear makes you think things are your fault when they weren't. I am thinking maybe that's because it's easier to control things and cope with things when you convince yourself you're calling the shots. Whenever a well-meaning Christian tells me "remember, the Lord's yoke is light", I want to kick them in the face. Seriously knock their teeth out because THEY DO NOT KNOW what I think, feel or experience.

But God does.

I've had a few key people in my life over time who say they are sorry or try to make me feel better by buying me stuff. I've never appreciated the sentiment, because it made my emotions feel cheapened, as if I were shallow enough that a stuffed animal or fancy dinner could sway how I should see the world.

Well.....hello ton of bricks hitting me as I realize I've done the same to God. I have believed I could buy His love through serving, serving, serving and apologizing, apologizing, apologizing. For myself and my actions. For others and their actions. For everything from here to kingdom come - I will fix it, I will take responsibility for it, I will carry it.

And through that, I've cheapened God's love. I took him from Tiffany's to Dollar Tree with my fear-based outlook. I tried to change how the creator of the universe saw me in my little world by just working a little bit harder.

God is good. God is nice. God is consistent and does not change. God does not want to see us with destroyed homes, dead family or super freaky skin diseases. He just wants us to be His kids.

I like that.

Let's just be free.

My favorite job

Even when it's exhausting, I really have made peace with the idea of if God chose to use me in this world only to be a mommy, I am okay with that. 

I love these little beings! 

    They love the self portrait mode on my phone. 

   I cannot escape daily dance class....

Celebrating auntie Karens bday

Sam trying escargot. Gross! But he liked it and had another! 

Doing so well sitting still at a 2+ hour fancy dinner. 

She got my hair. 

    Being accepted. 

    Found a caterpillar. 

   Liam's birthday party! Bring on the sugar. 

    Sam looooooves our pastor's wife Elizabeth. 

Love my boy

Sam and I have always been BFFs. Research states we should drive each other insane - his personality is just like mine - stubborn, passionate and a touch, um, "theatrical." But really, there is a whole lot of mutual admiration going on and I really cherish these years.

Don't get me wrong, I am stinking exhausted. A 4-year-old boy's energy level could power an entire nation - and it's been a year of discipline and growth for Sam big time. But then there are moments like last night that show that somehow, with Gods grace, we seem to be on the right path with him.

During baseball last night, there was some major testosterone being flung on the bench. The boys were in their batting order and R was hitting Sam's helmet, which I'm sure didn't feel great - and Sam was practically in tears.

Right before bed, he said to me "mommy, I have to tell you something about baseball, but I don't want you to be angry."

I reminded him that I will never be angry when he shares his heart with me.

"Well we were at baseball and R told K he was going to punch him in the face. And then K told R to punch me instead. I wanted R to be friends with me, so when they were all calling J names, I called him names too."

"You probably shouldn't call J names huh?"

"I know, mommy. Because I am a Christian and R isn't! I broke Jesus' rules and I know better than that. I should have showed R what love is like, and I made a mistake. And K IS a Christian so I was confused because he didn't show love."

We talked about how Christians mess up too, and how I was so proud of him that he recognized Gods rules and independently realized that he broke one.

We also talked about Gods limitless forgiveness and how proud God was that Sam wanted to do the right thing. I am super proud of him for applying his faith to baseball - our little Tim Tball haha...get it? Like Tebow but baseball and wordplay ....never mind.

Two Steps Forward

A week from today, Charlotte will be two. It's kind of unbelievable how quickly her babyhood flew by. While I am mourning the loss of my little cuddle bug, I'm also rejoicing in the every day moments of watching her become a little girl.

She is incredibly sweet - she mothers everything and shares with her big brother (most of the time). She loves dogs, ballerinas, Hello Kitty and wearing dresses. She has major opinions about her shoes.

I've prayed joy over this child night after night, just as I do for Sam. So far, we are 2 for 2 in the joy department. She is the happiest little peanut - I just love her. I can't believe I am so blessed to have a son AND a daughter - I am humbled daily by them.

Jessica Fahey took some gorgeous birthday shots for us yesterday - I love them!