Why 2013 Was the Best Year Ever

2013 was the best year ever. Seriously. It was filled with tremendous challenges and searing emotional/mental struggle - but it will go down in history as one of my most favorite years.

Why?

Because through adversity, I learned who I really am.

I had some of my best talks with God.

I stared past pain right in the face and God told me I'm a princess. I am the daughter of a KING. And that's not me being stuck up - you are too! We are all royalty if we choose to step into the throne room.

I wouldn't change a moment of 2013 because it showed me that with every "I can't" that was uttered....in the end, I could. I did. I will.

This is the year God tore off my pride big time. When I stopped caring what other people think (mostly. I'm still a work in progress).

2013 was a time where I learned what's important, and that my life holds value. Another year passed where the people I used to love the most continued their silence and judgment. But it was also a year where I learned that there's people who love me unconditionally and want me around.

This year was filled to the brim with pain, disappointment and fear. Which, as it turns out, was simply a solid road to healing, hope and peace.

When the calendar turns over to 2014 in 14ish hours, will all my troubles be gone? Will I be free from the things I've asked God to take away and He hasn't? Nope, probably not.

But I WILL go into the New Year sure of who I am and who my Daddy is. And that's totally enough for this girl.

Overcome Evil With Good

Don't be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good....

Romans is my absolute favorite book in the bible. I think it's because I'm such a "do something" sort of girl, and it's full of that sort of stuff, plus a lot of serious spiritual butt-kicking.

I started to feel like total garbage last night. I've been sick for weeks and just started to feel really down about some things. Sometimes no matter how busy I make myself, or how many friends I have, or how close I am to God - there are times I just have to deal with the fact I have depression and panic disorders, and I have them pretty bad.

But tonight as this stupid darkness insists on following me around as I try to savor what's left of the weekend, I know the bible commands us to overcome evil with good. Even when that evil is just in my mind, I can fight it with real, tangible things that I am so thankful for.

As the year draws to a close in a couple of days, here are 33 things (2013....20+13...I know, clever) ;) that I'm thankful for. If you're stuck in darkness too, why not make your own list?

1. Guilt-free naps when it's pouring rain outside 
2. Charlotte's huge deep blue eyes. 
3. Sam's smile.
4. Friendships that pick up right where they were left off. 
5. Two reliable, drama-free cars. 
6. Sushi. Churros. 
7. The Internet (usually). 
8. Job 22:21 and Numbers 23:19 
9. Deep, meaningful discussions in hot tubs (I don't know why but it always happens!) 
10. Disneyland when it first opens
11. Reading or journaling in my hammock 
12. Hot pink sunsets that take me by surprise
13. Alone time
14. The cuteness and oldness of our church building. I seriously love it and would be sad if it were ever remodeled. 
15. Oversized sweaters, leggings, boots.
16. The first ten minutes after a Royal Stage show
17. Catching my children being genuinely kind to each other unprompted
18. Handwritten letters/cards. Extra credit if they come in the mail. 
19. People responding promptly to phone calls/emails
20. Spontaneous weekend trips
21. Agenda-free weekends (rare.) 
22. Really good worship music 
23. A 100% clean house 
24. Autumn
25. One-on-one quality time
26. That my husband works hard so I can pursue my dreams
27. Peach smoothies from Vallco. Sigh.
28. All the windows in the house open when there is a spring breeze
29. Unconditional love that I'm absolutely certain of. 
30. Game nights
31. My mom's cooking
32. Every single thing about Kauai 
33. Random good deeds

This too shall pass....

Day 2 - Opportunity

I worked at the studio instead of home yesterday. You guys, that room gets COLD! I put the heater on, but it literally takes an hour to even begin to heat that huge room, so I had burritoed myself into a torn up blanket left behind in the Annie props and typed with T-Rex arm restrictions. 

That's how Y found me when she arrived for our meeting. 

A lot of people refer people to Royal Stage to be teachers. Unfortunately we don't have a lot of room for them to come be paid staff because 1) our bank account is already stretched and way stressed out.  2) our teaching staff right now is seriously incredible and pretty much completes us. 

So, I met with Y just to be nice because a family I adore had sent her. 

This turned out to be a woman not only with a beautiful portfolio and great education - she was also the survivor of an abusive relationship - currently a single mom with four children after having to literally flee her husband. 

She freely shared her broken heart with me. Her pain was visibly still raw - and yet she glorified God through it. 

From the depths of my burrito shroud, I sat inspired ;) 

When we started to talk business, I was about to give her the standard speech of building prices, contracts, etc but God told me quite clearly to be a supporter instead of a building owner right then.

What? Seriously God? We need money SO badly right now. I am not even sure how Royal Stage is going to weather the next few months and here I am being told to hand the studio over? 

God was clear. I told her we wouldn't charge her rent until her classes were full, which can likely take awhile. 

Dang it. 

She can have free advertising space in our playbill, website, etc. Which we are selling right now as a fundraiser . 

Ouch. 

Her face LIT UP. She was so relieved and happy at the thought of being able to support her family further without "owing" anything. 

And my heart honestly lit up knowing that an abuse survivor was going to experience help (and hopefully a bit of healing too) through our little non profit and the arts God has so beautifully given us. 

Get out of the way, Tam. Just let God do things. Get out of the way. 

Now or Never

The Project has become a sort of a joke. At least in my mind. Lately with all things regarding ministry, I've felt like a complete joke. I know this is because I see things under a microscope - that I'm just too close to everything to have clear perspective.....but lately I've just wanted to throw in the towel because my life is so comfortable and awesome that I am beginning to feel as if I am taunting God somehow when I ask for opportunities to serve Him and don't follow through. When it's easy to just let important things go because no one else comes alongside. 

The world is filled with people who care, but do not. Who help, but not really. Who believe, but want things to be easy. 

I've become that person - thus, the Project has stalled. And stalled and stalled and now I am older and more tired and distracted. It's like hitting the gym 60 lbs later than you intended. It's more difficult now, the discipline is gone and you'll find the only person worth blaming when you look in the mirror. 

I decided I needed to do the Project today. But what could I do? It's the day after Christmas, article deadlines are creeping upon me, I'm overwhelmed with Royal Stage right now, excuses excuses excuses......

Tell her God loves her. 

What? 

Oh, hi God. You know, we went an incredibly long time without speaking and now you talk to me all the time. I don't mean to be a brat or anything , but sometimes perhaps the old way was easier. 

Tell her God loves her . 

"Her" is a woman I sort of met at the doctor's office a week ago when my children were both in foul moods, I had a raging viral infection and the line of people was aggravatingly long. A man had literally stepped on Charlotte, knocking her down to the floor and releasing a barrage of sobs and wails, which had let to the doctor giving her candy - but not to Sam. Tears poured from the other team. 

Then I hear the woman behind me, frustrated because her phone is about to die and she needs to call her husband about their little boy there with her. 

I offer her my phone, much to the agonizing protests of my little hungry and tired appendages who wanted to play Sonic the Hedgehog. 

She looked absolutely stunned that a stranger would readily hand her an iPhone with full trust and she calls her husband. She thanks me profusely. That's the end of the story. 

Until today, when God tells me to tell her He loves her. 

Seriously? I will sound like an idiot and don't I already live enough of my life like that? 

I still have her husband's phone number in my phone. I text him, "Hi, I know this is weird but did your wife call you from a stranger's phone last week?" 

Immediate reply - yes. 

This is ridiculous.

"Okay I promise I'm not a total whack a doo or anything, but God really stuck her to my heart. I know you don't know me, but if your family needs prayer for anything, I am here. And I'm supposed to tell you God really loves you guys. And uh, Merry Day After Christmas." 

The wife responds. With thankfulness and a handful of prayer requests - so open and happy and now we are friends. 

I promise to pray for her. She is grateful and surprisingly transparent. 

It's kind of fun listening to God. 

So easy. I can do this every day. 

We've had a Beautiful December.

Seriously so blessed. 

    Christmas cookie decorating with Micah 

Christmas cookie decorating with Danielle. 

    We love the Longs' house!!!!! 

    Reading Magic Treehouse with Elizabeth. 

    Failed selfie with James. 

    Making wreaths at Miss Elisa's 

    Nativity puppet show 

    Getting to play Mary 

    Christmas Eve Jammie's and glow sticks. 

    Family cookie recipe. 

    All dressed up for Christmas Eve church 

    We made snowflakes 

    Beautiful church 

    Bike! 

    Doll! 

   Chinese food! 

    My sweet girl. 

    Hullabaloo with unassuming victims. 

    Dovewood Court 

My favorite house on Dovewood Ct 

   Putting the candles in Jesus' bday pie 

    Happy birthday Jesus! 

    Post- Christmas breakfast with Great      Aunties. 

So blessed.....

2014 = Reclaim Love

The year is almost through - it seems as if it truly flew by, which is good because it was a tough one! During 2013 I was challenged in so many ways and also feel as if perhaps I grew personally in many ways, too. Lifelong dreams came true, hurts were healed and a lot of the year was just plain fun.

I can easily sum up 2013 in a single sentence - I am blessed.

Looking forward to 2014, God has placed the phrase "reclaim love" on my heart over and over again. I'm writing it down everywhere and intend to accomplish another lifelong dream through it as well as just keeping those words in mind as I go about my days.

Being thankful that love has been poured into my life.
Being ready and willing to pass love on to others.
Being fearless in the way Jesus was - to love fully, recklessly and effectively.

I'm inviting everyone to join me in this reclamation of an old concept many have forgotten - let's just love people. It sounds so simple it's sort of crazy, isn't it? And yet so many of us cannot quite recall how to do it. Not in the right way, anyhow.

This blog will be focusing a lot more on the outcomes of this personal project, and how my ministry is participating as well.

If you wish to help, you can contribute locally to Royal Stage's efforts.

You can buy my book, which will go toward my India & Africa service trips this coming year.

Of course, the best thing you can do is pray or come alongside us and help serve others in 2014! There are going to be a lot of cool things happening this year - everyone can get involved.

Help me reclaim love for Christ. It's going to be amazing!

You Can't Wait on Others When God's Waiting For You

This was a rotten week.

Between myself & the kids, we've been to Kaiser 9 times this month, and this week we apparently just had to prove our loyalty to our health insurance further as we sat in doctor's offices and pharmacy lines just trying to STOP FEELING SICK!

Things happened in Royal Stage that were frustrating and sad. Nothing outrageous or outside of ministry norm, but as a very wise person told me this week, "sheep bite." And honestly, it hurts.

Add in family drama that has kept us grounded in Sacramento when we should be in the bay area right now, work deadlines that just didn't happen and other fun stuff, and this week just absolutely sucked.

Like any good Millennial, I lamented on Facebook, and so many people were incredibly awesome and took the time to message me, text me, etc. and remind me that despite challenges and struggles in my life, I'm one of the ones that always comes out on top, always prevails, that I am "tough and passionate" and to keep on keeping on.

Dadgummit!

See, here is why I'm so disappointed....God has placed two big dreams on my heart...one, publish a book and two, launch a special year-long project of making people feel loved and blessed.

The book came out December 4.
The year-long project kicks off January 17.

And I've been crazy sick off and on all this month.
I've had people that I was counting on to help me proceed to drop out, flake away and vanish.
I haven't been able to promote my book past Facebook and I haven't done a thing for Project 365.

Right now, everything is primed to fail.

And this is why I love God - because he will never pressure me to listen to Him or make me feel bad in the midst of my pity party. But when I cry out to Him, He will break through barricades of sickness, whining children, frustration and heartache and just bust right in and rescue me from both tangible disappointment and a crazy mind.

He reminded me tonight: 

ALL things are possible through Him

Callings He's placed on my life are not defined by other people.

He will provide and always does.

Even when plans fall through, He never does.

I have an amazing, wonderful, safe church home to go to when I can't go to "real" home, and a year ago I did not have that.

I have amazing, wonderful, bright, loving children and five years ago I did not have that.

Things can change for the better very quickly, and the ones who come out on top are the ones who do not give up!

If I had my way, of course the money would magically appear for India, people would come to Project 365, my book would sell well and I would be able to breathe out of both my lungs again.....but no matter what the rest of the weekend brings, it's nice to be grateful and remember that God is in control and He is much more proficient at steering the way than I am.

Like another wise person told me a few days ago, it's time to walk away and allow the dispassionate to be blessed and to move forward with where God calls. Even when it hurts, is scary and is not on my own personal agenda at all.

Because that is where the best adventure is always found.

If your heart is as heavy as mine tonight, let's agree to try to rest easy with faith like a child. Because God says to. And really, what other choice is there that is sure to turn out as brilliant and wonderful as that?

Be Still

I've been sick for approximately one million days. 

Okay, actually since Monday, but between eye infections, inflamed muscles, the flu and a cough that's totally unfair for someone who's never smoked a day in her life.....I'm just kind of over it. 

I am not a good patient. I'm happiest when I'm busy and moving... A bit ago I reached over for my cup of water on the nightstand and I missed. It dumped all over the floor and I'm currently ignoring that it has even happened. That is how lazy bummish I've been today and it does not suit me. I get absurdly grumpy and anxious when I have to "be still." Heck, I founded a ministry based upon moving around for goodness sake.....I am not a "still" person. 

Someone told me this morning they were praying for me and heard God tell them to tell me there are times to "be still." 

Grrrrrr. 

They are right. I'm a runner. I need to learn to be a rester. I should probably get up and dry the stupid water off the floor, but beyond that, I need to learn to rest.

There are so many thoughts stuffed into my head. 

- is my book complete garbage? 

- is RS getting the best leadership under me? 

- are my kids learning what's important in life? 

- am I going to have a showdown with Sam's principal to stick with what's right for my child? 

- are my plans in life the right ones? 

- are these feelings legitimate?

- do I overthink things? 

Can God help me to slow down and enjoy the itty bitty magical moments in life that I miss sometimes? 

Being sick isn't all bad. Not if I can learn to be still, shut up and listen to my Father. 

The Hebrew word for "still" in psalm 46:10 literally translates into "be weak." 

Okay Lord, woo hoo, I've got that one down this week for sure. Lesson learned. Gonna spend some time listening to Jesus now as the house is still as well as me.

Hopefully in the future He won't 

send a combination of disgusting physical ailments that feel as if He's attempting to strike me down dead in order to get my attention. 

Seriously God, next time cookies or something will do the trick, I promise. 

Thank you, Thank you!

Hey everyone,

Thank you SO much for those who have purchased my book! This is all kind of terrifying...but I am so honored you would buy it and maybe actually read it! (I say this as I look at the pile of books on my bookshelf I am dying to get to - so no pressure). 

Here it is!

Writing a book was one of my ultimate dreams, and another one as many of you know is to travel the world sharing God's love as much as He allows. That doesn't mean hitting people over the heads with bibles or judging them harshly - it usually means going in and building a church or school, loving on kids who may not get loved as much as kids here, teaching or performing dance, drama, etc. - whatever God says!

I've had two incredible opportunities come up and the book proceeds go toward them. 

1) I get to go to India in April. I have sent out tons of support letters, and have only heard back from one person. I really need to raise money for this trip rather quickly to catch up and be able to go still. 

2) I am leading a team to Ghana in June. I am so excited to visit Africa again - I haven't been there since 2001 and it is going to be such an honor to take both my dancers there AND Sam, who will be six years old by then and is excited to go. 

If you're willing to help, there are a few ways to do it! 

1) Email me at theroyalstage@gmail.com and I can tell you right away how to donate. All donations are tax deductible. 

2) Purchase the book here - I receive the largest amount of the proceeds this way. 

3) Purchase the book on Amazon

4) Purchase the Kindle version on Amazon

Thanks everyone! :) 

Wow Tam, You're REALLY Busy!

It's true, it's true...my life is insane. But you know what? I am so happy. Seriously - I would consider my life to be bordering upon perfection right now, but I wouldn't dare say so because I know adversity is waiting just around the corner!

But on a high note, I wanted to share with the universe two projects I am really excited about right now!

First, in case you have managed to completely avoid my prolific Facebook posting, my book has been published and is available for purchase. Please consider supporting my upcoming outreach trips to India & Africa, which will be paid for via book sales.

The book will be available via Kindle shortly, but for now can be ordered in Paperback through Amazon or through Royal Stage directly. Amazon is faster, but the ones I get directly from the publishing house allow us to collect a larger percentage to put toward aforementioned service projects - so pick your poison.

Buy it on Amazon 

Buy it through Royal Stage's website.


Second, Royal Stage's January show is more than just a weekend affair - it's a year-long event that kicks off January 17th! I wrote this script several years ago and the show was staged in a blackbox theater in Roseville. Now it's been reworked a bit, the script is much grittier and the theater is bigger so we can really advertise and bringing in a great crowd.

God has never let go of my heart regarding this one - I've always known we could've done it better - that the message could've been more contagious. The whole show is about learning to "reclaim love" and get back to the foundation of how we should treat each other.

2013 was a year in which I learned a lot and experienced so much incredible healing in many areas of my life. But above all else, I've learned what unconditional love is and how it needs to be contagious. So I'm giving this vision (which many of you have been hearing about since college!) one more try.

1) Please come see our show if you can

2) Even if you can't, consider joining up with us - we are going to be sharing God's love with one person, once a day for as long as you can stand it :) I am hoping to go a year, some people will do a single day, and many will be in between the two.

3) Support Royal Stage - we need all the help we can get right now - we are doing a ton of outreach on very little funding.

You can learn more about Project 365 here. 

My life is so blessed. I am seriously spoiled rotten. Thank you for being such an integral part of it!

A Spelling Bee Loss

Sam was in a spelling bee today atschool 

 He was cute. They had to make the mic super short. 

I was brimming with pride this week because he was the only kindergartner invited out of his school's five K classes. I don't think a five year old in a spelling bee equals a spot at Harvard or anything, but I think we ALL as parents have those little moments where we celebrate the specialness of our children and it's fun to indulge without being obnoxious. 

So we were excited. Sam nailed more than 3/4 of the 500ish list words at home. I knew he wouldn't win, but I was hoping he would get a word or two in. 

Then, we hit traffic and so he was late. We threw him at his teacher when we got there and he made it just in time to still participate. Then, he got nervous. 

I can always tell when he gets nervous because he gets this big goofy grin and even though it looks like he is enjoying himself, he is actually going brain damaged before our very eyes. 

Then he gets the word "prize." Yeah! We practiced that one a million times and he never got it wrong! Not once! 

Sam confidently: Prize. P-I-R-Z-E. Prize.

Oops. 

And then it was over. We just stinking arrived and then he was out. I was consoled by the fact a handful of other kids misspelled on the first try so he wasn't ostracized from society or anything, but when I saw the sad little sack sitting there trying not to cry, the mama bear within me roared out. 

He should get another chance. He's too young for this and I shouldn't have agreed to it. Stupid woman who gave my baby a word he didn't know. 

This was, of course, completely irrational. 

His teacher was there and she was SO supportive and proud of him still, and I was reminded of how lucky we are to have him in a good school that he almost didn't get into due to a lottery system. 

We got in the car, and of course for dramatic emphasis it was pouring rain, and then he mourned. Well , first he asked me if he had won the spelling bee, and then he cried. 

Then he asked to go to Sizzler for dinner and that was that. 

I sat amazed at his resiliency during dinner. He didn't care at all that he studied all week and bombed. He laughed with his sister and ate spaghetti and hasn't mentioned spelling since. 

I've mentioned it before....how the bible tells us to have "faith like a child." I did not grasp that concept until I had children - especially this older one who feels things incredibly deeply and yet moves on without issue. 

How I wish I could look back on times in my life where I made a mistake - and just take it like it is and move forward without looking back. That's something I'm constantly working on, and hopefully getting better at. 

My five year old inspires me. I think God uses our kids to remind us what's inportant. And to remember that just as I love Sam no matter what he can spell,  God loves all of us no matter how we stumble, make mistakes, etc. 

In Him there is freedom and we never have to look back. 

Eating our troubles away. A lesson he had to learn eventually :) 

Book FAQs and Other Stuff

My book comes out Friday!

That's a sentence I've waited decades to say. You all know I'm never confident in my work, and I don't intend to start now with this, but I am still very pleased and excited that one of my biggest dreams has come true. 

People have been INCREDIBLE in their support - I've been blown away - so blessed and humbled by the love I've received. Thank you!!!! 

I've also received some questions several times now, so I'm going to answer them here in case others planning on purchasing the book are wondering. 

1. Do you receive a larger royalty from Kindle or paperback? I would normally think it rude to answer this, but since I am putting the book proceeds toward my India/Africa trips, I'll be transparent with the finances. Kindle. By a long shot. Around 80% instead of around 30%. So if that's an option for you, go for it. However I am still quite pleased many of you prefer paperback because I want books to live forever and sometimes it seems they are fading fast. So if you don't have a Kindle, know that my heart is overjoyed when you buy a paperback too!
2. Where will it be available? Amazon and Barnes and Noble online on Friday. Physical bookstores in mid-January.
3. Is that you on the front cover? Nope.
4. What is the book about? The story focuses on a young woman named Ruby who struggles with mental illness and her belief in God. It begins when Ruby is five-years-old and ends with her as a middle-aged woman. Book themes include: bipolar disorder, obsessive behavior, sexual abuse, suicide, church wounds and Christian salvation. It's a comedy through and through ;)
5. Is it autobiographical? I think it's impossible to write a fiction work without having at least some non-fiction involved. Some parts of the book happened to me exactly as it's portrayed and some parts are completely fiction. A strong majority is somewhere in the middle. At the end of the day, it is a fiction novel and should be perceived as such. Those close to me will know which parts are true, and if you really care that much, you can always ask. 
6. Are you having a book tour/launch party? Hey sure, if you plan it I'll show up! Right now, I am just too busy and regardless it feels weird. I don't think this is going to be a national bestseller or anything, and I don't feel comfortable treating myself with such fanfare. I'm always down for sushi and ice cream with good friends though, anywhere anytime. If this warrants a reason for that, then win! 
7. Does the book explain why you left _________? Why you always ____________. Why you don't ___________? Why you are no longer friends with _____________? See #5. I have no desire to write any sort of tell-all book that disrespects others, and it's not a goal of mine to reveal some deep dark secret or smear the reputation of anyone I know personally that's trying to figure out how to live life the best they can - just like I am. 
8. I read the book and I have further questions about (circle one) mental illness, Christianity, etc. Cool! Ask me! 
9. I hate your book and I hate you after reading it. Sorry about that. 
10. What age is appropriate to read the book? Teens and older. Or anyone who maturely grasps basic concepts of love, sex and rock and roll. 

A One Day Project

On a website I recently read that for many, writing a book is really a one-day project....

......as in "one day I will do this....." 

Life gets in the way and leaves little time to selfishly hide out and express one's heart through creative means. It's easy to see how so many stories meant to be told never were because there are just too many other things to do. 

This fall, I got good and mad at this fact, because I've wanted to write a book since I was 5 and never have. This is because of busyness or more honestly out of fear I don't have a good enough story within me to tell. But the desire to write beyond the marketing articles I get paid for each month has always been there. 

It was time to get over my fear I suppose, because even though it's been a long time goal, it now seems to all be happening so fast. 

My book will be available for purchase next week in paperback everywhere and also on Kindle. 

I'll write more about it tomorrow but just wanted to share how happy I am it's completed and almost ready to share with the world. 

:)  

Churchiversary

In coming across an old email, I realized yesterday had been a year since we first attended our amazing church. It has been a year filled with making new friends, allowing my heart to be healed and watching my kids be loved and embraced by a church family we hopefully will get to keep for a long time! 

When we left the church we attended for 7 years it was gut wrenching. It was probably one of the most emotionally difficult experiences of my life. I still have moments where I am hit with grief for the people we were forced to leave behind - it was all so sudden and not having a chance to say goodbye to people who were like family majorly poured salt in. My real family and all my best friends live hours away - it literally felt as if I lost my entire world. 

When we left, God gave us a wonderful congregation that served sort of as a "hiding place" for us. We love and 100% believe in that church. It had several other " refugees" from our former church that had left when we did - which was so comforting but did not allow us a way to properly heal. We needed a fresh start. 

Only I didn't want one. Despite the wonderful hiding place, I hated church. My trust was gone. I had a powerful resentment against church leaders. I was walking around with my heart in a million shattered pieces but was simultaneously trying to convince myself I didn't give a crap. 

The first time I went to Crossroads I walked in with cynicism and full intent to just go through the motions of the whole church game and attempt to make it out alive. 

A year later, my whole world has changed. 

So this Thanksgiving week, I am beyond grateful for a church family I never thought I would find. 

I'm thankful that: 

Our kids leap out of the car and RUN to the church, they love it and their friends there. 

It's the place I feel safest. My walls are gone, I feel like I have permission to be happy there. 

I'm not afraid of God anymore after years of functioning under an unhealthy, guilt-riddled fear. 

I have a pastor who isn't afraid to tell me the truth. I love that I can ask him questions and he won't sugar coat things. He'll tell me how it is and even when that's difficult to hear, it's invaluable. 

I have a pastor's wife that prays with me, who has come to be with me at a moment's notice during some really dark times and can impressively match me in sarcastic wit. 

I have made some seriously great friends who love The Lord above all else. I don't feel alone in dumb Sacramento anymore. 

Things I blamed myself for seemingly FOREVER - I'm free from. They don't rule over me anymore. 

There are people who know everything about me and still love me. 

I view God as a loving daddy instead of an angry punisher. 

I've gotten annoyed at people and they've gotten annoyed with me, and life goes on and no grudges are held. Things are healthy. 

I've gotten an entire year to experience church as God intended it to be, and I'm totally humbled and blessed by that. 

So if you're part of Crossroads, thank you. Because seriously? Yay :) 

Deleted

Tonight, Sam came into our bedroom while I was working on my laptop and asked if we could snuggle before he had to go to bed. 

Here is a visual aid, because he's really handsome ;) 

He ended up drifting off to sleep next to me, and one of the last things he said was "I love you, mommy." 

I told him I loved him too, and then he said, "Yes, I know. You love me and even when you are angry or frustrated at me, you still love me and will always be glad you have me." 

He's repeated this back to me before, and I'm always glad when he does because it's something I always want him to remember. I want him to always be secure in my love for him, especially now that he's five and his sister is two and I tend to be "angry or frustrated" a lot. 

There are words I'm determined to delete from my vocabulary before the year is through, partly because of these two precious little sponges that live with me and partly because I've decided they're just not good for me. 

I hate _____________. 

I've abused this term since I was a kid. I hate raw tomatoes. I hate traffic. I hate hot weather. According to the dictionary, hate means "extreme dislike", which seems quite accurate - but hearts hear it differently. I don't really HATE these things. I hate seeing others in pain. I hate injustice. I hate lies. It isn't good to throw around the word "hate" for tomatoes and traffic - it hardens the heart too easily. 

I'm ugly. 

Yeah, I think this one daily. I refuse to give it power by speaking it aloud anymore, no matter how true I may think it is at times. I'm half my mother -  an incredible cook, funny, creative writer and a sentimental spirit. The other half comes from my father - tenacious and determined. I shouldn't hate my roots, even when they frustrate me. I shouldn't disrespect what God chose me to look like, even when I don't agree. 

I can't.  

A lot of times I think I can't. But I can. And I have. And I will. 

I'm not good enough. 

Yeah, probably so. But God hasn't filled my position with anyone else yet and I'm still here and breathing, so I guess I should just keep going and trust Him to provide everything I cannot. 

I'm afraid. 

I refuse to be afraid anymore. Nothing good comes from fear. 

A lot of good, safe, wonderful things come every day, when you allow yourself to look for them. 

Thankful

Today I'm thankful my son goes to a truly amazing Kindergarten. 

Making yams 

His place setting 

Pop was hungry too! 

A Story in Pictures