I had a brat moment today. They happen a lot lately, unfortunately. On the bright side, I kept it to myself and no one else fell victim to my little pity party of worry and resentment.
C. took her first steps the day after her birthday. We have little snippets of crappy, grainy cell phone video - but in real life it's a delight to see her on the go - exploring the entire world from another point of view.
I kind of identify with her - in a handful of days I will officially be a business owner. The ministry will stay the same, but we are getting our own building, and by law it had to be under the executive director's name, so here we go....2500 square feet of Royal Stage goodness, completely ours to use whenever we want. We've been praying for this FOR.EV.ER. So what did I do as I reviewed the lease agreement for MY DREAM COME TRUE?! I haI d my brat moment.
Even with the unbelievable discount we received due to our cause, rent still seems to high. It's stressful and scary - and many I love and revere tell me - "just trust God, keep the faith, and raise support!" So I've tried. We need to identify at least $500 more in monthly support - I've asked almost everyone. My list is getting smaller - the results have been minimal. An annual goal of $10,000 has brought in $400 or so of one-time donations. Crap.
So I complained - to myself, to Frank, to God. Especially to God. I try to be a good friend, I try to be there for anyone who needs me, I try to be obedient to Your word, God. So WHY IN THE HECK WON'T YOU HELP ME AND TAKE THIS FINANCIAL STRESS AWAY?! Why, just for once, can the success of Royal Stage come easily?
I was moping in the kitchen when I looked out the back door and saw Sam climb INTO his sand & water table, after I had just told him to stay away from it all together because the water was from that morning and pretty gross/dirty the way children's water toys get in this stagnant halt between spring and summer where they play outside, but not so enthusiastically yet.
To stop any medical drama in our home, I went outside to pull the plug on the table. Buckets' worth of water poured through the plug hole and Sam said "wow Mommy, look at all that water go!" The water was just pouring out of the table, funneling out of it and running all over the concrete. And it weirdly hit me.
All over the world, parents don't have clean water for their children, and there we were, dumping clean water all over the ground, wasting it without a second thought. I had just scolded my son for climbing and running around - and yet I know people this week who are only in their 30s and have become widows - and people whose children are very sick.
I cooked dinner for my family tonight - just grabbed things off of shelves and out of the fridge and then had to coax both kids into eating more.
How beautiful and blessed my life is. These simple things that we don't even think about - that we take for granted.
All this time I've been praying for God's abundance - trying to beg, barter and bully Him into giving it to me somehow....and yet I've blindly forgotten that He has already poured out His abundance in so many ways.
The building will be paid for each month. I am not sure how - but it will be. How could I ever doubt a Daddy that has never ceased to provide?
Stupid me and my brat moments. I hate them.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
Sweet One
Well Charlotte, tomorrow you will be one year old. Things are so different than they were last year, when we didn't know you yet. Now you've lived almost 365 days of vibrant, spunky life and you have made our family complete. (says Daddy - we will see...)
When I complain about the things I don't have time to do - write my book, take more dance classes, get more involved in church - I look at your big blue eyes and think about how really, there isn't enough time for just one thing....taking in every last moment of your babyhood.
I love your little coos and sighs, your chubby little baby fingers and the smell of your baby shampoo. I never want to forget the silent house at 4am when you wake up and after you finish your bottle you lean your head on my chest and let me cuddle you - but only just long enough to be sure of me before you're off again.
It makes me smile how much you adore your big brother - crawling behind him as fast as you can go, and how he loves you right back and gives you sweet kisses all the time without being asked. I love watching the two of you playing together, and know you will be best friends someday, after all the toys have been outgrown and you don't have to share a room anymore. Or a house, or even a city or state.
I am surprised that you are fearless. Where Sam was cautious, you are exhilarated; where he struggled, you are vibrantly healthy; while we got to cherish his babyhood a bit longer because he was so early and small, you are just growing by leaps and bounds and we can't keep up.
I cherish the way you laugh, and give me big smiles with only six teeth. Middle two on the bottom, and four up top - they came in completely out of order and completely cute.
You're headstrong but loving, curious and joyful. I prayed for a little girl, and God heard my prayer. You're the perfect fit. We love you, Charlie.
Now stop growing up.
When I complain about the things I don't have time to do - write my book, take more dance classes, get more involved in church - I look at your big blue eyes and think about how really, there isn't enough time for just one thing....taking in every last moment of your babyhood.
I love your little coos and sighs, your chubby little baby fingers and the smell of your baby shampoo. I never want to forget the silent house at 4am when you wake up and after you finish your bottle you lean your head on my chest and let me cuddle you - but only just long enough to be sure of me before you're off again.
It makes me smile how much you adore your big brother - crawling behind him as fast as you can go, and how he loves you right back and gives you sweet kisses all the time without being asked. I love watching the two of you playing together, and know you will be best friends someday, after all the toys have been outgrown and you don't have to share a room anymore. Or a house, or even a city or state.
I am surprised that you are fearless. Where Sam was cautious, you are exhilarated; where he struggled, you are vibrantly healthy; while we got to cherish his babyhood a bit longer because he was so early and small, you are just growing by leaps and bounds and we can't keep up.
I cherish the way you laugh, and give me big smiles with only six teeth. Middle two on the bottom, and four up top - they came in completely out of order and completely cute.
You're headstrong but loving, curious and joyful. I prayed for a little girl, and God heard my prayer. You're the perfect fit. We love you, Charlie.
Now stop growing up.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mother's Day Extraordinaire
This was a wonderful weekend, and I am so grateful for Super Husband for making it so. Even when we argue or don't appreciate each other at times, this is always beyond clear - he is 100% devoted as a husband and father. And really, it doesn't get much better than that.
Mother's Day weekend was so sweet. I never thought I could get so excited over a flower made out of a doily until it was given to me by my 3-year-old.
I got to sleep in, was awakened to Sam shouting down the hall, "Is it time to wake mommy up for her pancakes now?!" And did I mention I got a HAMMOCK? Item on my bucket list since 1st grade fulfilled! I love my hammock. I am sure I will devote another blog post to it sometime this week - it's that special.
Sam had surgery for his urethral divirticulum on Wednesday, and by Saturday morning he was feeling good enough that we (we = Frank, while I tried to distract the hysterical little guy) took his catheter out and joined Frank's parents at a lakefront campsite near Apple Hill. The kids had so much fun and got so. dirty. Seriously, I had no idea that a human being could get this filthy, and unfortunately the pictures don't do it justice.
Then today happened, which also included a Mexican lunch and busting out the sand & water table Charlotte got at her birthday party last weekend. She turns 1 on Tuesday. These days are going by too quickly.
Oh and by the way, my kids did in fact wear clothing over the weekend. But the camera loves baby skin, what can I say?
After the lake trip....dirty little knees.
Dirty little feet.....
"Hang loose, guys. Babies are washable!"
And the bigger one had even dirtier feet...
Oreo-Frito face...because there is no such thing as junk food on holiday weekends ;)
The epic sand and water table. And my kids in their skivvies yet again...
Getting to work....
Duplo man down....
My sweet little water baby.
It's going to be a dirty, soggy summer. Can't wait!
Mother's Day weekend was so sweet. I never thought I could get so excited over a flower made out of a doily until it was given to me by my 3-year-old.
I got to sleep in, was awakened to Sam shouting down the hall, "Is it time to wake mommy up for her pancakes now?!" And did I mention I got a HAMMOCK? Item on my bucket list since 1st grade fulfilled! I love my hammock. I am sure I will devote another blog post to it sometime this week - it's that special.
Sam had surgery for his urethral divirticulum on Wednesday, and by Saturday morning he was feeling good enough that we (we = Frank, while I tried to distract the hysterical little guy) took his catheter out and joined Frank's parents at a lakefront campsite near Apple Hill. The kids had so much fun and got so. dirty. Seriously, I had no idea that a human being could get this filthy, and unfortunately the pictures don't do it justice.
Then today happened, which also included a Mexican lunch and busting out the sand & water table Charlotte got at her birthday party last weekend. She turns 1 on Tuesday. These days are going by too quickly.
Oh and by the way, my kids did in fact wear clothing over the weekend. But the camera loves baby skin, what can I say?
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
You Were (Are) Terrific, God!
Sam found my Freefall DVD. Funny thing is, I had completely forgotten it existed, and now for the past hour or so, I have been completely flustered and almost disoriented in my thoughts as I halfway watch it with Sam. For those of you who may not know, this was the last show I wrote/directed for CityGate Dance when I was @ UC Davis....aka the start of my love for dance + Jesus.
There were times I was so grateful to Rose for handing the ministry she founded down to me, and sometimes I thought I'd never forgive her ;) But all in all, it was the absolute best experience of my LIFE. But watching the video completely broke me inside.
I was freshly graduated from college, newly married, and it had been less than two years since I had been released from the hospital after a series of suicide attempts. There is no such thing as a suicide attempt, you know. It's remarkably easy to die. Suicide attempts = cries for help, and I was screaming. But things were better now - it was a beautiful sabbatical from depression and anxiety, and I was walking with God Every. Single. Day.
Sam watched the dances and kept saying "You were terrific, mommy! Just terrific!" (what 3 year old says terrific? He talks like a 1950s sitcom kid. But I digress...)......
In reality, the dancing wasn't super outstanding - it was in sync and decent, but it was so super obvious that every single person was dancing in absolute FREEDOM. I remembered all of the late nights (beauty of having all college kids in a cast - we could pretty much dance til 2am if we wanted to) when we would be on our knees praying for God to help us, inspire us, intercede for us. People came to the Lord at our shows, people could see how united we were as a group.....it was just awesome.
It also made me realize I have never heard a prayer even close to what was prayed during the CityGate years. This isn't to say that Royal Stage isn't anointed, or that the people there don't love Jesus - almost all of them do more than anything - but it was made abundantly clear to me that I have not asked God to use all of the anointing He has given me.
When we left our church awhile back, I was wounded. I am still wounded. People that should have stuck up for me didn't, people that should have been punished weren't, and blah blah whine whine because REALLY GOD you don't know how to handle things correctly, do you?!
What garbage. God is ALWAYS in control and ALWAYS just and ALWAYS sees both sides of things, even if we are not able to see the fairness in this world. But in the back of my mind, subconsciously without even realizing it, I have been thinking these things for quite awhile now.
And that cloud has become a part of Royal Stage. How could it not? If Royal Stage is my heart, and there is darkness and bitterness in my heart - justified or not - then something will be robbed from Royal Stage each and every time.
I am so grateful that God took the blinders off tonight as my little 3-year-old found an old, dusty DVD. And I think that Freefall may become the center of the Sunny with a Chance of Rapture script.
I want to go back to those days - not exactly how things were of course (well, maybe my skinniness would be nice...), but to that 100% clarity in what God wants - that passion to follow HIM above all else.
I am praying that God will tear down walls in Royal Stage - that everyone will be there for the right reasons, that we will be so thirsty for God's presence that nothing satisifies us except Him. That He brings us the exact people we need for Season 3, and that we can raise money for our building.
And that we will truly dance in freedom. I want to teach the people of the new days about the feeling of the old days. Memories are already fonder than reality, but watching Sam exclaim "you were terrific, mommy!" led me to say again.....
You were terrific, God. You ARE terrific God. I love you and want you back.
CityGate pics:
There were times I was so grateful to Rose for handing the ministry she founded down to me, and sometimes I thought I'd never forgive her ;) But all in all, it was the absolute best experience of my LIFE. But watching the video completely broke me inside.
I was freshly graduated from college, newly married, and it had been less than two years since I had been released from the hospital after a series of suicide attempts. There is no such thing as a suicide attempt, you know. It's remarkably easy to die. Suicide attempts = cries for help, and I was screaming. But things were better now - it was a beautiful sabbatical from depression and anxiety, and I was walking with God Every. Single. Day.
Sam watched the dances and kept saying "You were terrific, mommy! Just terrific!" (what 3 year old says terrific? He talks like a 1950s sitcom kid. But I digress...)......
In reality, the dancing wasn't super outstanding - it was in sync and decent, but it was so super obvious that every single person was dancing in absolute FREEDOM. I remembered all of the late nights (beauty of having all college kids in a cast - we could pretty much dance til 2am if we wanted to) when we would be on our knees praying for God to help us, inspire us, intercede for us. People came to the Lord at our shows, people could see how united we were as a group.....it was just awesome.
It also made me realize I have never heard a prayer even close to what was prayed during the CityGate years. This isn't to say that Royal Stage isn't anointed, or that the people there don't love Jesus - almost all of them do more than anything - but it was made abundantly clear to me that I have not asked God to use all of the anointing He has given me.
When we left our church awhile back, I was wounded. I am still wounded. People that should have stuck up for me didn't, people that should have been punished weren't, and blah blah whine whine because REALLY GOD you don't know how to handle things correctly, do you?!
What garbage. God is ALWAYS in control and ALWAYS just and ALWAYS sees both sides of things, even if we are not able to see the fairness in this world. But in the back of my mind, subconsciously without even realizing it, I have been thinking these things for quite awhile now.
And that cloud has become a part of Royal Stage. How could it not? If Royal Stage is my heart, and there is darkness and bitterness in my heart - justified or not - then something will be robbed from Royal Stage each and every time.
I am so grateful that God took the blinders off tonight as my little 3-year-old found an old, dusty DVD. And I think that Freefall may become the center of the Sunny with a Chance of Rapture script.
I want to go back to those days - not exactly how things were of course (well, maybe my skinniness would be nice...), but to that 100% clarity in what God wants - that passion to follow HIM above all else.
I am praying that God will tear down walls in Royal Stage - that everyone will be there for the right reasons, that we will be so thirsty for God's presence that nothing satisifies us except Him. That He brings us the exact people we need for Season 3, and that we can raise money for our building.
And that we will truly dance in freedom. I want to teach the people of the new days about the feeling of the old days. Memories are already fonder than reality, but watching Sam exclaim "you were terrific, mommy!" led me to say again.....
You were terrific, God. You ARE terrific God. I love you and want you back.
CityGate pics:
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