Solid Rocks.

This morning I found myself sobbing into my mac and cheese at 9am, while my children - who had cleaned their bowls with unstructured joy - were now working together to finish off a bag of mini marshmallows.

I am careful to add that they were mini marshmallows, in the off chance that you'll judge me less harshly as a parent. Full-sized marshmallows....now that'd be really terrible, right? 

So as I gradually lost control of our household, I sent a voice message to a friend about something mundane and ended up melting into a total pile of sob. 

As luck would have it, today is Sunday. Thus began the internal struggle of whether to stumble into the church a total basket case, or stay home, hide, and retain the few threads of my reputation as a stable individual that remain. 

I've gotten very, very good over the past several months of discerning God's voice from the enemy. It's not easy. Evil doesn't always present itself as a looming, terrifying beast in my life - it's more like that one guy at the party who can do all sorts of impressions dead on. The one that leaves you in awe, clutching your red plastic cup exclaiming, "No way! Do that guy now!" And then he does a dead-on impression of God that's so perfect.....it almost fools you....but if you listen, really listen, you start to get better and better at learning the difference, realizing his impressions shouldn't be considered good enough for Vegas - let alone control of your thoughts. 

So I went to church. And God broke me. He tore the worries of my world away and stripped me down to that level of emotional vulnerability I HATE....and yet I know He's just going to keep on doing it until we get this right, the two of us. 

Apparently my pastor's favorite thing to do is decide to have a greeting/visitation time on the mornings I've just rained mascara all over my face, so I sucked up my sorry self and shut down the waterworks in favor of Sunday morning small talk. But I didn't get it.

Because God is generous and regularly defies my logic, I instead received the most wonderful, unexpected encouragement - both from people who know me well, and those who didn't (or at least shouldn't) have a clue as to what was up. They all said one of two things.

Do you know that God loves you? 

You are one of the toughest/strongest girls I know. 

While I would hotly dispute the latter, as I am well aware of my own weaknesses, failings and quitter addiction....how thankful I was for the former. 

Yes, I know that God loves me. But so many times I lose sight of it. I don't forget it, but it escapes me and I struggle to believe it when I can't see it. For God to use everything from the strong hug of my pastor to the encouragement from a practical stranger - I felt embarrassed, broken....and thankful that this morning, God refused to let me forget. 

My blog has a lot of phantom readers. Rarely do I receive comments or much feedback, but I see the monthly hit counter climb- and taking it on good faith that human beings are reading and not just some spam robots (is that a thing? Frank? Is that a thing?) - I want to pass the encouragement on to you, too. 

I spent a long time talking to God today, and here are some solid rocks I'd like to pass on. Not because I'm wise, or because I have (anything!) figured out, but because (again) God is generous and His word should be shared. 

My struggle: Emotions that change impulsively (which sucks).

My rock: "By contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”  (Gal 5:22) 

My struggle: Repetitive, rapid, catastrophic thoughts (which also suck).

My rock: “We destroy arguments and every proud obstacle raised up against 

the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to obey Christ.”

(2 Corinthians 10:4-5)

My struggle: Anger and distrust (yep, this sucks, too).

My rock: “Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear." (Eph 4:29) 

I'm really working on this one. Oh, how I'm working on this one! 

My struggle: Fear of abandonment (big time. Because it's happened.) 

My rock:   “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; 

he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)

My struggle: Impatience (with myself and situations as I see them)

My rock: “Now, discipline always seems painful rather than pleasant at the time, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”

(Hebrews 12:11) 

And probably the biggest monster of them all - feeling worthless and empty. Feeling so confident only in the belief that I don't count and no one would miss me. That I'm merely a vapor while everyone else is connected, present and accepted. 

My biggest, most solid rock: 

“Therefore, to keep me from being too elated, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me...Three times I appealed to the Lord about this, that it would leave me, but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.”

(2 Corinthians 12:7) 

So....onward, right? I am nothing, and I'm so glad because that leaves plenty of room for Him to be my everything. 

Here is a visual of me right now - at the arts ministry studio God has so richly blessed me with....makeup-free and prepping for a meeting I'm not at all confident about leading. 

   Heck yes, this is filtered. 

Now get out there and be the toughest girl you know. (Or guy...if applicable). 

God loves you. A lot.