Drama Queen

When I was in the 6th grade, someone told me I was histrionic. 

I had no idea what the word meant at the time, and I never forgot it. 

Again, someone told me the other day that I am overly dramatic and stupidly, it stung to the core. Not that I haven't been told between 6th grade and now - I've been told a million times (okay probably really a few dozen...see, there I go again....). But this time it stung because it came from someone I really respect. And I've really been working on it. But they were totally right to say it. 

I generalize. I exaggerate. Due to some cracked out combination of upbringing and genetics, my world is very big and very loud. Off the cuff remarks cling to me for weeks and won't let go. I see anger and disappointment as the end all - something to be avoided at all costs or else I will die old and alone with only my hundred Labradoodles by my side. I am completely unable to see the shade of gray. 

It doesn't help that i am married to the most introverted, emotionally expressionless man on earth. (No exaggeration there). I showed Frank a YouTube video of people trying to laugh without smiling and told him he missed the filming day. 

In reality he is caring and funny and definitely generous, loving, all those things I am grateful for....but at the end of the day he is just so dang even and stable.....I don't even know. 

This year I really do want to work on my histrionics. I mean, let's say I die in my sleep tonight.....I don't want anyone to feel obligated to lie on my tombstone about how I died in a fiery blaze saving a baby koala from a forest fire while shouting out the plot summary to the next New York Times bestselling novel....because that is a death I would have preferred......I don't want to be remembered as dramatic. Sensitive. Unhappy. Hurting.

Or worst of all, hurtful. 

It's funny because I am always my own worst enemy....but whenever I'm criticized, I'm suddenly able to come to my own defense: "yes, I'm dramatic, but I don't mean it. I know I am overly sensitive, but I don't give up. Yes, I know I can be sarcastic and cutting, but I really do have a good heart." 

I'm really praying that this year, God uses the good in me. I know it's in there, even though I often have to rely upon outside observers in order to recognize it. I'm not rotten to the core - just my first few layers, maybe. But I think (and hope) I'm salvageable. In fact, I know I am because of Christ. It's like I always tell my dancers - God doesn't make junk. 

My prayer this year is that God uses my dramatic flair for good. I have passion. I fall hard. I hurt hard.....but this also means I am capable of loving big, hoping large, persevering strong.