Surviving Summer

I feel things very, very deeply. Usually my reaction to something in the moment is not the same as my reaction hours later. Weeks, months and even years after, I'm likely still feeling the effects of one insignificant interaction or a superfluous conversation.

In case you were wondering, it's super annoying.

People who know me as the face of the ministry or some other type of connection where I am no closer than arm's length will often describe me as outgoing, bubbly, friendly and approachable. I'm grateful for this, because my life would be much more complicated if this weren't so. And honestly, it's not an act. I love people. I love who God has brought into our family's lives. It's easy for me to be over the moon with joy when I'm in the studio or at one of our shows/outreaches because I genuinely love what I do. 

But those who know me deeper, who have gotten closer - they would describe me differently. I hope they would still use the aforementioned traits, but they would likely bring some new ones to the table. 

Catty, guarded, fearful, self-loathing. 

My trust is glass. It can be transparent and lovely, but oh, it can be destroyed so easily. That's the main thing I don't enjoy about myself. That people who love me or genuinely believe I am worth it - I am so darn good at cutting them if I start to sense a crack or distortion. 

It's because of how deeply I feel things. As I've written about many times before, I have repeatedly felt fear and pain in the summertime. Three separate instances, years apart, devastating in entirely unique ways. 

Short story long, June and July are my frienemies. I love summer for the swimming, barbecues and vacations....but it's also the season that messes with me every year without fail, weakening my defenses and tearing me down and back into the original feelings I felt during the times summer wasn't so wonderful. 

The thing I love though, is that God IS working. I used to be stuck to the ghosts of summer's past like a piece of that super sticky packaging tape that gets caught up and clings mercilessly to everything. Annoying!. 

Now, I'm more like one of those crappy 3M mounting strips that struggle to hang on to the heavy stuff they were designed for. 

I am starting to heal. Bad is being replaced with good. I have some really wonderful people in my life - easy to trust and better than I deserve. 

But.....summer......

This year, I'm not going down. I'll be ready with plenty of distractions, and a heck of a lot more of Jesus.

I'm making a seasonal-appropriate bucket list. I am going to spend time exploring, playing and enjoying a time of year I've grown to fear. I am going to be very intentional with my free time, and work harder at things that are presently a part of my life.

Here's the bucket list (in progress) if there's anything you would like to join me in.

Things I've Never Done But Want To 

• Float down the river - I live less than 10 minutes from a big one - I've never been on it. 

• Have a legitimate picnic - red checkered tablecloth and basket, please.

• Visit a strawberry farm 

• Make a summer soundtrack that will keep ME on track

• Start a new hobby - because you know, I totally have so much free time. 

• Send a handwritten letter once a week - screw you, Facebook. 

• paint balloon darting - I've wanted to do this since I saw Princess Diaries eons ago

• Do work promoting my book - Was my book crap? I don't know. But if anyone is going to start supporting it, then I should. 

• Work on my new book

• Query publications I WANT to write for 

• Get a massage - I have a gift certificate from FOUR Mother's Days ago that I've never used!

• Make a flower crown

• Go on the world's longest water slide 

• Raise full support for the Royal Stage art house 

• Teach both kids how to swim

• Wander around the Crocker by myself on a Thursday evening 

Things I've Done But Love...So I'm Doing Them Again

• Farmer's market - when it first opens, priority items are oranges and a flower bouquet.

• Beach! 

• Go bowling - Charlotte is currently the best bowler in our family (?!?!) 

• Go to Bingo 

• Go to a craft faire

• Exercise 

• Go night swimming

• Read a book (or two or three...)

• Road trip with Frank ....don't care where we go, as long as we go. 

• Go to Hawaii (tickets purchased! Yeah!) 

Things I Have Done And WON'T Do Again 

• Be emotionally cruel when I'm frustrated

• Look behind me. There's nothing worth seeing there. 

• Rope swing into a lake