We are downhill tumbling toward you now. My son has grown impatient with homework and my totally unreasonable expectation of him to bathe daily. He's so done with school.
My daughter asks to go swimming all the time, and it's been warm enough some days to oblige.
You're coming and I'm ready for you.
Charlotte's middle name is June after a wonderful, light-filled woman we know. One who just radiates God's love, joy and peace. All we hope for her.
Secretly in my heart though, I know I also loved the name because even though she ended up arriving in May, she was supposed to be a summer baby and something beautiful would've finally come out of you - this season that I dread.
But this year I'm ready for you.
This year, when the calendar changes over to the month of your arrival, I know that I'll start to remember again. I'll long for a broken past I can never return to, wishing I had said or done.....something different. I don't know what, as the years of hindsight still have not brought a different option into focus - but if I had the power to go back and change.....I would.
Change me. Change them. Change the situation. Be stronger. Be more honest. Run faster. Fight harder.
Something.
But this time, when you get here, I will be ready for you.
I'll be waiting for you at barbecues and pool parties. Through fireworks and state fair funnel cakes. Through the itchy sensation of grass against my skin, taking in every moment to just breathe and remember that I'm just fine.
I'll notice you when I go home to visit the ocean, waves crashing hard against the rocks with the same determined force you always used against me. I write in the past tense, confident in my knowledge that this year will be different.
I will not run.
I will not indulge you by even putting up a fight. I know I don't need to.
I will stand steady in the roots I have grown into the fresh soil of worth and value. I will be daily refreshed by God's presence and calling - it does not submit to the heat of your sun or the
persistence of your scolding that tells me I don't deserve to be here.
I will not be afraid. I've seemed to have misplaced my armor of fear, guilt and shame. I cannot find those walls I so faithfully hid behind. It's just me standing here now, pretenses retired.
For when you come this year, summer, you will find there are people who love me and believe in me. And I them. I will not push and test that love to the point of exhaustion - I will simply be grateful for it.
More importantly, I am loved by a big, strong God that is mightier than any memory. He's tougher than any trauma. Far more glorious than any flashback. More regal than any regret.
You no longer rule my life now that I understand I have full access to the throne room of the King.
I know that you're coming soon, and I am ready. I'm looking forward to proving just how different things can be.
I am transformed and there is no weapon you have that can reverse it.
That's the problem with the past, you know. When you use it as your only attack, you never have anything new.
So as we tumble down toward long days and warm nights, I'm ready.
Are you?
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