Pharisee Tam

First of all, what a really cool stage name that would be. Secondly, what a terrible, yet freeing, feeling it is to be sitting in church and realize that you're a Pharisee. I mean, obviously my clothes are a lot more comfortable and I really appreciate the perks of my modern life like refrigeration and cars....but in my heart, I found my Pharisee membership card today, laying there right in the middle. 

And I had no idea. 

The sermon today was on Heaven and Hell. Christianity 101, but often something people misinterpret - especially Christians. Hello, this Christian right here ⬇️

Dang it. 

I've never been very hellfire and brimstone. I am a millennial who was raised in the San Francisco Bay Area. Which means I chuckle at things like this: 

Sorry, sorry. Anyway....point being, I am concerned with loving people more than judging them. We've all got our issues and nowhere in the bible does it say it's our job to play judge & jury. My faith does not permit all things, but it certainly commands us to love all people and leave final eternal matters up to God. 

But Heaven and Hell....if it were up to me, what would I say? In a nutshell, if you accept Christ as your Savior, you go to Heaven. If you don't.....you don't. I still believe this. Christianity is the most all-inclusive party in the world - everyone is welcome to join in. It's totally fair. We have a reputation of being "judgy", but really - like any big gathering of fallible human beings - we unfortunately have some outspoken folks who someone at one point regrettably handed an expensive suit and a microphone to, and suddenly our public image was toast. 

God is love. God wants us to go to Heaven, and we can get our invitation through Christ alone. Yes, I get that. 

But here is where I screwed up. And I can blame my past, or I can finally own up and change my story, taking responsibility for myself. 

I was brought up in fear. There are several key markers along my life's road that can be described as unfair, terrifying or traumatic. Whatever. They made me an afraid person. So I started to form rituals. If I spoke or acted a certain way, people would accept me as a certain way. If I did what people wanted, began to think what they wanted me to think, I was given shelter from the fear. It became much, much easier to fall into agreement that I was weak, worthless, ugly, unreasonably spoiled, incapable of knowing what was good for me, etc. I sacrificed myself in the name of ritual, rules, intimidation and shame. 

Not placed upon me by a church alone.

Not placed upon me by a family alone. 

Not placed upon me by frienemies alone.

At the end of the day, I have constructed a world of lies, isolation and extreme fear of social missteps that I'VE CHOSEN to live in. 

The things that have happened to me were not my choice. 

The way I choose to respond to them long after the offenses have gone still and silent......that is my choice 100%. 

This is how I got my Pharisee membership card. I became a lover of God, and instantaneously became a lover of the laws. I craved the structure of Christianity - the fact that A + B = C. Me + Acknowledging Christ's sacrifice = a booked room in the celestial ever after. 

Right? RIGHT?! 

Then why do I feel so horrible? Why am I still afraid despite my firmly confirmed reservation postmortem, despite my deep involvement in the church since the moment my teenage face hit that altar carpet of repentance? 

It all clicked when it was spoken at church today - Hell is simply disagreement in God's way. Heaven is agreement in it. 

I never could trust that I am going to Heaven, because I haven't ever allowed myself to agree God's way is right. 

Is Jesus the way to Heaven? Absolutely. But darn it, God, I am going to pray every single day for (circle one): reconciliation with people who are no good for me; miraculous healing from violating moments that changed me forever; complete, restorative relief from my struggles. And if you don't give them to me, then clearly you have rejected me. I'm worthless to You, just as I am to them. You aren't following the rules. You are a promise breaker just like the rest of 'em. 

I've accepted Christ, I am walking the walk, so I should get whatever i ask for, or else clearly I am screwing up some how, and God is just waiting for the opportunity to screw up my life until I just get it right. 

The heart of a Pharisee stands at a distance from the abundance of peace and safety. It is an observer.

The mind of a Pharisee is a rule follower. Things are black and white, and they feel responsible for placing the black & white in just the right place, or else everything will crumble. 

The spirit of a Pharisee is afraid. Because even if their house of rock solid laws and rules seems oppressive, hurtful and restraining.....it's the only freaking way of life they remember, and if they were to run out the door toward something else - it could lead to disaster, right? 

I have lived in a personal Hell for years because I have loved Jesus from a distance. I have guaranteed myself eternal salvation, but have chosen to keep my earthly chains instead of trusting God with THIS life. 

And if I can't trust God with this life, have I ever really known Him? Have I honestly trusted Him with the next? I certainly have my Pharisee card. But have I signed and activated my salvation card? 

I don't know if this makes any sense, but there has definitely been a piece missing. I don't want to be a rule follower anymore. Jesus wasn't, after all. 

I am tearing up my Pharisee card. I am running my lazy, worthless rear to the feet of Jesus. 

I am in full agreement with what God wants. It feels awkward to say that out loud, because I don't think it's something a lot of Christians believe. Well, not something THIS Christian has really acknowledged or believed. 

I am still going to pray for healing. I'm still going to pray for the things that weigh heavy upon my life.....but my Pharisee card is currently burning in the fire of lies & fear - where it belongs. 

Behind me. Away from me. 

God, I choose to agree you know what's best. I choose to agree with Your will, not mine. I choose to agree with Your timing, Your grace and I thank you for the fact you agree to give me peace, joy and safety. 

I'm sorry I took so long to accept it.