You've Got To Just Hold On

I haven't slept more than 5 hours total the past two nights. I didn't eat anything but a piece of bread until 7pm.  I am wide awake and exhausted. Should've been starving but wasnt hungry at all. I'm in the throes of a situation I haven't been in since college. My life is upside down.

Depression and panic attacks suck. I've lived a life of abject fear. I've experienced situations that have left me changed forever. I don't talk about them a lot with many people in my life today. You really have to give me a reason to let you in. 

But as I've closed off, the fear has returned. So now slowly I am finding the cojones to talk about it more. If I speak it out, it slowly seems to become less awful. It loses it's power. But it's hard. 

It's difficult because I am stubborn and guarded. It's tough because I just do not want to have my entire spirit torn down again by a group of people I trust. Wounds heal - but more of mine are still pretty tender - more than i realized. 

I'm a stuffer of emotions. I push them down and ignore them like a taunting bully, and now they seem to be a part of me. I breathe fear and walk around with a cage on my heart. 

The problem? I don't think God wants me to be that way. 

I asked Him to talk to me last night. It's been awhile since I've been a good listener. He gave me this verse:

Zephaniah 3:14-20

¹⁴ Sing, Daughter Zion;
    shout aloud, Israel!
Be glad and rejoice with all your heart,
    Daughter Jerusalem!
¹⁵ The Lord has taken away your punishment,
    he has turned back your enemy.
The Lord, the King of Israel, is with you;
    never again will you fear any harm.
¹⁶ On that day
    they will say to Jerusalem,
“Do not fear, Zion;
    do not let your hands hang limp.
¹⁷ The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing. He will quiet you with his love. 

Then today, a friend sent me the second half of these verses. It was a beautiful confirmation of what God has promised. 

I desire to be quieted with his love. To rejoice in Him. 

I have a long way to go before I do. But I'm praying there's a way.