Demanding Truth

There have been times when I've demanded truth in my life. When someone did something utterly ape crazy and I pressed to know why. Someone should make me a cape or something because I'm a tireless justice seeker. I want to know why people act the way they do, I'm a "fixer", I'm confrontational and sometimes I don't react ideally when there isn't an immediate solution for something.

For example, why is my four-year-old doing push-ups at 5:15am instead of letting me sleep? 

I need to make sense of the crazy. 

And I need to stop. 

In a tirade of tears after a day where I was on the millionth hour of trying to reason with a Royal Stage parent that just did not want to be reasonable, and reading a text message from someone else that was just straight up disappointing and angering, Frank told me, 

"I just want to release you from the thought that everything needs to be perfect. Your belief that you need to make everyone happy." 

Bam. Truth. 

You mean there is a possibility I can talk to Jesus and not bring my huge suitcase of guilt, regret and fear into the conversation? But what will I stare endlessly at? What will I possibly do without my shield of wounds, resentment and all-you-can eat platter of apologies for everything from rush hour traffic to a lack of peace in the Middle East? 

Have I cried enough tears for my eternal ocean? Is God strong enough to pick up this tremendously heavy collection of baggage and just hurl it into the sea for me? Can it float away, drown, be forgotten? 

It can? Sweet. 

I want to demand a different kind of truth. Beyond a cross-examination of my flaws and failings. 

I insist that the jury no longer gets a vote. So I can freaking hear the Judge and believe it when He says all charges against me are dropped. 

I demand the right to be selfish when it comes to accepting God's love fully. I want every ounce of His wisdom, healing and growth He offers without apology. 

I want every nook and cranny of my broken, messed up spirit to be filled with Truth. 

There are things in my life that may never change. 

I may always carry around the residue of fear that has covered me for years. 

I may always have stupid little issues like not being able to handle the feeling of laying down on grass or driving by particular places without that horrible churn of difficult memories becoming real again for a flash of time. 

But I'm learning that I'm okay being broken into a million little pieces if that means I get to somehow be used by God to make a million little differences in this crazy world. 

I'm excited for that. And summer is a great time to start.