Stealing June

Seasonal affective disorder? Sacramento affective disorder? Just plain old-fashioned sad? Contrary to most people, summer just sticks me down in the dumps. I love autumn, and spring is just stinkin' adorable. But summer. We are not friends. 

I don't hold grudges, but I do tend to make monuments out of moments - and summer is the time where some of the most uncomfortable of moments in my life were formed. Triggers hide in random corners of the day, pounding down onto me until I cannot uphold their weight for a second longer. I wish so desperately I had one of those shake it off personalities, but I just don't. 

When the weather warms, my anxiety comes out to play. Panic attacks that grip me and choke hold of my life, and then leave miles of deep depression in its wake. I pray, I write, I think about it too much during the process of trying not to think about it at all. 

Summer sucks. But I know in times of pain and remembrance, God is just as good as he is during other times of the year when my past doesn't so easily dictate my day. 

I love Exodus 14. Poor Moses. Talk about some stressful leadership.... But God says "why are you crying out to me? Just move forward in faith!" 

Why do I cry out? Why do i remember and fear these long, slow days? How long will I convince myself I'm satisfied in the desert when I know God has given me faith as large as a mighty sea?

   ...the God who builds a road right through the ocean,
    who carves a path through pounding waves,
The God who summons horses and chariots and armies—
    they lie down and then can’t get up;
    they’re snuffed out like so many candles:
“Forget about what’s happened;
    don’t keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.
    It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?
There it is! I’m making a road through the desert....   Isaiah 43:18(MSG)