Just Breathe.

I can breathe. 

You know that feeling of relief you get taking off uncomfortable shoes after a long day? Or sinking into a warm bath when muscles ache? 

Right now, that's the continual feeling I have with every breath. Relief. 

I'm not drowning because I'm not struggling. I'm not choking on words because I don't have anything to kick out of my mind that shouldn't be there. There's no fight left within me - in the best possible way. I looked around inside my spirit several days ago, and there was nothing left to battle. 

All is quiet, and I am learning how to breathe without paying attention, instead of experiencing the constant suffocating, burning feeling of always pushing through to just. one. more. step. forward. 

I'm not stupid. I know that in a matter of days or weeks, my brain will find a way to rebel against the medications, or something will suddenly happen that will trigger the shotgun of my usual "normal" and the impact will blast me back to where I once was. 

But now, right now, I can breathe. 

I can hear the silence. I can see the world fogless and clear. I can taste life sweet instead of bitter. I can feel my body calm and free from what it's been through and taken in. 

My demons seem to be off work for the holidays, and it would be silly of me to speak out in times of hurt, only to cease expressing gratitude in times of relief. 

Underwater or risen above it, I love my Jesus. And I'm thankful for the extra air. 

Goodbye to a Favorite

December 1st. 

When the Thanksgiving leftovers are still good, but risky. 

When the children keep on sleeping with the sun and I rejoice in my newfound productivity. 

Christmas, which commercially has pretty much been in full swing since August, majorly ramps up its intensity. 

Autumn is over. 

I was thinking the other day about why fall is my favorite time of year. Of course, there are plenty of responses to that question, but primarily I love it because it's so short. When you consider our societal calendar over the official one, autumn truly is fleeting. 

In Sacramento, we are still perfecting our cannonballs and BBQ recipes far into the depths of September. And then, wherever you live, Christmas really starts to make itself known in early November. Autumn is with us for a heartbeat. 

I love winter, too. I adore Christmas with it's carols, cookies and hot cocoa. I'm a huge fan of glitter and gaud, so Christmas sits well with me. 

But if I could compare the way God desires us to live our lives to a season, autumn wins hands down. Especially since it's now once again over and gone, it serves as a poignant teacher. 

Fall knows its time is short, so it takes advantage of each day to be radiant and lovely. The bright display of leaves, the comforting breeze of a brisk day, the way it so graciously steps aside for the attention monger the holiday season has become, allowing Christmas wreaths and pre-Black Friday sales to eclipse Thanksgiving, the day autumn is meant to shine its brightest. 

As my children miraculously slept/remained quiet long past 6am this morning, I took in my son curled up near the Christmas tree reading a chapter book. I marveled at how my daughter's baby hair now falls down past her shoulders in sweet blonde curls that display how the infant is gone and big girl status is no longer pending. 

My time on this earth is short. Am I going to spend each day being bold with the colors of my faith, refreshing in the way I act and gracious toward others in all circumstance - or will I hang on to a vincible summer, hot with anger and distorted by drowning waves of regret? 

Will I be thankful, silently resilient until I've given every inch of beauty I've received? Or will I jump straight ahead to winter, developing an icy heart and creating a blinding flurry of a storm for those around me? 

With the changing seasons, I am committing my spirit to remain an autumn. I want Christ through my life to be seen as bright, beautiful and a limited time offer, instead of just another someone waiting to burn us, drown us or freeze us out in our times of weakness and failing. 

Autumn leaves us quickly, and so do our chances to make a true, loving impact on this world. I don't want to waste a single day. 

A Very Quotable Thanksgiving

So there's my family......

My mom watching football, "Well that doesn't seem fair that our guys never get the ball! They should give them a chance with the ball!" 

My uncle: "You guys have a charity race called Run to Feed the Hungry? Can't you just write a check and not have to run?" 

My dad: "So Tammy, are you still writing? Still doing the dance church?" 

During the halftime show....

Mom: "So WHO is this?" 

Uncle: "it says Pitbull on the screen." 

Dad: "that's his name?" 

Uncle: "that's what they're saying..."

Charlotte: "Mommy, if I promise to finish all of my ice cream, can I have some pie?" 

Sam: "Why can't I just have hot chocolate for dinner? Nobody in this family cares about me." 

My mom still watching football: "Look! The screen says Santa Clara! Look! Look!"  (Ed note: I grew up there). 

My dad: "Hot damn! We're finally on the map! Look at that! Santa Clara is on TV!" 

My mom: "I really love that Sherman boy. He's so funny!" 

My mom after I dropped the pumpkin pie, wrapped safely in a bag, with just a corner of crust damaged, "Tammy! You ruined Thanksgiving!" 

Sam saying grace: "And God, please help there to not be too much conversation, so we can just focus on eating." 

Frank after I went to the bedroom to read, "Don't think I don't see how well this is working out for you! You're back here and your parents are out there! And so am I. Alone with them..." 

My mom after looking at my green bean casserole fresh out of the oven, "Hmph! It's fine I guess." 

Sam: "Well, goodnight. I hope I have another great dream about my Spider-Man coloring book!" 

My mom to my dad, "Will you please just stop talking about yourself for five seconds?!" 

My uncle: "Can I see your iPhone? I want to see how one feels in my pocket. I'm unsure on size." 

My mom: "You have paprika, right? Without paprika in the potatoes, Thanksgiving will be ruined." 

My mom (again): "I don't understand why you have wine glasses in a dry house. Seems mocking to guests." 

My mom (again, again): "Oh, let the kids eat as much pie as they want. Don't ruin thanksgiving." 

Suspenseful Nonna/granddaughter storytime. 

What the Heck Wednesday

Current mysteries & fascinations in my life: 

1. Insurance policies for non profits

I just received an email with the updated Royal Stage insurance policy I have to review before the new year. Included was something called Nuclear Energy Liability, and another thing called Cyber Extortion. Now clearly, I can't divulge much information related to our nuclear energy program at Royal Stage (it's classified. You heard nothing).

But cyber extortion? What is that? 

Like, if someone leaves us a mean comment on Facebook, our insurance covers our emotional pain and suffering? No, I'm pretty sure that's covered under the next section - our included Mental Anguish Endorsement. 

Maybe cyber extortion is if we don't teach dance well enough, we will be bullied into sending FarmVille goods or Candy Crush lives over to the terrorists as retribution? 

I don't know. I just sign the forms.....

2. How I purchased stolen goods on Amazon

One of my greatest joys in life recently was a re-discovered, unused Amazon gift card. Suddenly, riches! 

I purchased a cute sweater for $10. What a deal! I got it in the mail yesterday, and attached to it was a price tag - $599.

I googled the brand name - sure enough it was some couture website with one of those look books with pouty, hungry models and no prices listed. The whole thing reeked of an "if you need to ask, you can't afford it" feel, and they're right. I can't.  So how did I get this sweater for $10? New with tags? 

I feel like a peasant who got away with murder in the palace.

Oh and P.S. - it's pink. When things couldn't get any better, they just did. 

3. The Old Testament 

Good ol God Almighty has caught me off guard a couple of times in my bible reading lately. There is my longstanding favorites of the guy who was teased by some kids due to his baldness and a bear came out and ate them, and of course Noah - the only patriarch apparently  worth saving in the entire world - found by his kids post-ark in a tent passed out drunk and naked.

Recently I added to the list the fact that Eli, after an illustrious life as a well-respected spiritual leader, died by being surprised and falling out of a chair because he was "old and fat". And then, I just read about Saul and how when Samuel appointed him king in front of the people, he ran away and hid in a pile of luggage? Wait, what? I can see it now...."I would make a terrible king! But wait, they will never find me here...." 

4. Political bumper stickers 

Has anyone ever voted for a political candidate, given peace a chance or sent money to keep Tahoe blue due to a persuasive bumper sticker? I want to meet the person who has said, "You know, I had NO IDEA who should be president of the United States....until I was behind that Prius...my life was changed forever!" 

Speaking of life choices, I do not have anything Christian on my car. I wholeheartedly believe that my dastardly low driving ability is not a good representation of our faith. I'm out of the race. 

But this guy I recently saw, apparently, has no problem. Rush hour evangelism, anyone? 

5. The longevity of the "# "

I say hashtag, you say pound sign. Toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe....but eventually one side has to win. Will the automated phone systems that have you enter your account number (followed by the pound sign) update the recorded lady? Or will social media start showing some long overdue respect for its elders and give the analog world a pass? This is nail biting, folks. 

Happy Wednesday! Or not, apparently, according to Charlotte. 

. 

Careful What You Wish For

We are currently two days away from Thanksgiving - aka THE BEST DAY OF THE YEAR!!!- and it's already been on the tips of my children's tongues what is on their Christmas wish list. This isn't really their fault. People keep asking them. My parents, Frank's parents, their two aunts, sweet ministry friends, etc.

Bless Sam's heart, he couldn't even think of anything at first. At first he told people "candy and ice cream." Then, he really racked his brain and came up with "coloring books." The kid is just content. He basically never asks for anything (except candy and ice cream, but we are working on that). Charlotte was also a bit clueless, but caught on quick...."everything princess, everything Hello Kitty, everything ballet, everything pink but mostly purple....."

Now that their Christmas morning mindset has warmed up a bit, it's really getting going. Sam told me this morning he wants Pokemon & Minecraft videos so he can "find out what all the fuss at recess is about." (did I mention I love this kid?) He also asked for fabric pens so he could write the names of the ninja turtles next to their face on his brand new pajamas (um no).

Charlotte currently wants snow. (not likely, California girl). Oh, and a dog. (received the notorious "we'll see" response from Frank).

Listening to my children with their Christmas wishes, it made me think about my own. If I even have the right to ask anyone for anything on the day we set aside to celebrate the birth of our Savior, there are only two things I want.

Freedom from the biggest, continual, chronic struggles within my spirit.

That, and this shirt:

If I were to get my Christmas wish (and I'm focusing on the first one), it would be kind of amazing. I would love to know what life is like with my issues gone.

Wouldn't we all?

But think further.

Would you live with the genie wish regret of using your final request to ask for more wishes? Won't there always be something that hurts? That annoys? That frustrates? That distracts?

I will probably continue on wishing. I pray every single day for the same thing. But I think it's high time I also realize all of the incredible gifts I've received by being told no. At least, being told no by human standards, that is.

If God had granted my wish right away, I would significantly lack compassion for others. I didn't have much of it before everything happened. Recovering mean girl over here, ladies and gents.

If God had granted  my wish after a bit of time, I wouldn't have a genuine relationship with God. I would still be a seeker, and as I recall, I didn't like seeking. I never felt very found, either.

If God had granted my wish after a long while, I wouldn't have started Royal Stage. And as much as I may complain in times of stress and strife, it really is a huge daily honor and blessing to lead it. It is a superb feeling to be obedient to your calling, even in the times it's a major suckfest.

If God granted my wish now, I wouldn't have the drive to write or continue to dedicate my life toward helping others (or at least trying to).

If God grants my wish in the future, I hope that I remember to remain thankful, honorable and show up at church.

But, if He chooses to say no forever - and by forever I am talking about this side of Heaven, because THANK GOODNESS there's a day where there WILL be no more pain and suffering - I am okay with that.

Because even though I hate the side effects of a thorn-in-my-flesh existence, I am also thrilled to declare that God has given me some seriously epic gifts to unwrap. It's so important to remember in the darkness what we've been given by the Light.

Strength.
Empathy.
Experience.
Genuine friendships.
Creativity.
Inspiration.
Patience.
Community.
Family.
Understanding.
Trust.
Motivation.
Freedom (on His terms, not mine).
Safety.
Perspective.

And really, who's going to dare to get in line to exchange those gifts?

Pharisee Tam

First of all, what a really cool stage name that would be. Secondly, what a terrible, yet freeing, feeling it is to be sitting in church and realize that you're a Pharisee. I mean, obviously my clothes are a lot more comfortable and I really appreciate the perks of my modern life like refrigeration and cars....but in my heart, I found my Pharisee membership card today, laying there right in the middle. 

And I had no idea. 

The sermon today was on Heaven and Hell. Christianity 101, but often something people misinterpret - especially Christians. Hello, this Christian right here ⬇️

Dang it. 

I've never been very hellfire and brimstone. I am a millennial who was raised in the San Francisco Bay Area. Which means I chuckle at things like this: 

Sorry, sorry. Anyway....point being, I am concerned with loving people more than judging them. We've all got our issues and nowhere in the bible does it say it's our job to play judge & jury. My faith does not permit all things, but it certainly commands us to love all people and leave final eternal matters up to God. 

But Heaven and Hell....if it were up to me, what would I say? In a nutshell, if you accept Christ as your Savior, you go to Heaven. If you don't.....you don't. I still believe this. Christianity is the most all-inclusive party in the world - everyone is welcome to join in. It's totally fair. We have a reputation of being "judgy", but really - like any big gathering of fallible human beings - we unfortunately have some outspoken folks who someone at one point regrettably handed an expensive suit and a microphone to, and suddenly our public image was toast. 

God is love. God wants us to go to Heaven, and we can get our invitation through Christ alone. Yes, I get that. 

But here is where I screwed up. And I can blame my past, or I can finally own up and change my story, taking responsibility for myself. 

I was brought up in fear. There are several key markers along my life's road that can be described as unfair, terrifying or traumatic. Whatever. They made me an afraid person. So I started to form rituals. If I spoke or acted a certain way, people would accept me as a certain way. If I did what people wanted, began to think what they wanted me to think, I was given shelter from the fear. It became much, much easier to fall into agreement that I was weak, worthless, ugly, unreasonably spoiled, incapable of knowing what was good for me, etc. I sacrificed myself in the name of ritual, rules, intimidation and shame. 

Not placed upon me by a church alone.

Not placed upon me by a family alone. 

Not placed upon me by frienemies alone.

At the end of the day, I have constructed a world of lies, isolation and extreme fear of social missteps that I'VE CHOSEN to live in. 

The things that have happened to me were not my choice. 

The way I choose to respond to them long after the offenses have gone still and silent......that is my choice 100%. 

This is how I got my Pharisee membership card. I became a lover of God, and instantaneously became a lover of the laws. I craved the structure of Christianity - the fact that A + B = C. Me + Acknowledging Christ's sacrifice = a booked room in the celestial ever after. 

Right? RIGHT?! 

Then why do I feel so horrible? Why am I still afraid despite my firmly confirmed reservation postmortem, despite my deep involvement in the church since the moment my teenage face hit that altar carpet of repentance? 

It all clicked when it was spoken at church today - Hell is simply disagreement in God's way. Heaven is agreement in it. 

I never could trust that I am going to Heaven, because I haven't ever allowed myself to agree God's way is right. 

Is Jesus the way to Heaven? Absolutely. But darn it, God, I am going to pray every single day for (circle one): reconciliation with people who are no good for me; miraculous healing from violating moments that changed me forever; complete, restorative relief from my struggles. And if you don't give them to me, then clearly you have rejected me. I'm worthless to You, just as I am to them. You aren't following the rules. You are a promise breaker just like the rest of 'em. 

I've accepted Christ, I am walking the walk, so I should get whatever i ask for, or else clearly I am screwing up some how, and God is just waiting for the opportunity to screw up my life until I just get it right. 

The heart of a Pharisee stands at a distance from the abundance of peace and safety. It is an observer.

The mind of a Pharisee is a rule follower. Things are black and white, and they feel responsible for placing the black & white in just the right place, or else everything will crumble. 

The spirit of a Pharisee is afraid. Because even if their house of rock solid laws and rules seems oppressive, hurtful and restraining.....it's the only freaking way of life they remember, and if they were to run out the door toward something else - it could lead to disaster, right? 

I have lived in a personal Hell for years because I have loved Jesus from a distance. I have guaranteed myself eternal salvation, but have chosen to keep my earthly chains instead of trusting God with THIS life. 

And if I can't trust God with this life, have I ever really known Him? Have I honestly trusted Him with the next? I certainly have my Pharisee card. But have I signed and activated my salvation card? 

I don't know if this makes any sense, but there has definitely been a piece missing. I don't want to be a rule follower anymore. Jesus wasn't, after all. 

I am tearing up my Pharisee card. I am running my lazy, worthless rear to the feet of Jesus. 

I am in full agreement with what God wants. It feels awkward to say that out loud, because I don't think it's something a lot of Christians believe. Well, not something THIS Christian has really acknowledged or believed. 

I am still going to pray for healing. I'm still going to pray for the things that weigh heavy upon my life.....but my Pharisee card is currently burning in the fire of lies & fear - where it belongs. 

Behind me. Away from me. 

God, I choose to agree you know what's best. I choose to agree with Your will, not mine. I choose to agree with Your timing, Your grace and I thank you for the fact you agree to give me peace, joy and safety. 

I'm sorry I took so long to accept it. 

Whatever is Lovely

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Eph 4:8 

I have committed this verse to memory after someone wise in my life reminded me of it. I am focusing on that which is lovely. I need to right now. It's the net that's catching me over and over again. 

My life is lovely because.....

1. This boy 

2. This girl

3. This man 

4. These friends 

5. This church 

6. This weather 

7. The next generation of RS 

8. And the current one

9. Having all we need 

10. Medicine that helps 

11. People who pray 

12. Autumn celebrations 

13. Past memories that teach 

14. The future to come 

15. A creative world

16. God's amazing creation 

17. The amazing children mine get to grow up with. 

18. Going out to breakfast 

19. India. Everything India. 

20. The incredible school Sam attends

21. Passed on traditions 

22. Sunsets

23. Naps. 

24. A pastor who pastors for the right reasons. 

25. Baseball games 

26. Autumn everything.

27. Any excuse to dress up. 

28. Another chance each day to see ourselves as God sees us. 

29. The fact my daughter is best friends with my best friend's daughter. 

30. Shopping! 

31. Family. 

32. Handwritten letters

33. Dance 

34. Dream homes 

35. Thanksgiving 

36. Bingo! 

37. Writing, journaling, releasing. 

38. Someone just willing to be there. 

39. God. Always God.

No matter what happens, each day I am exchanging a day of my life for it. There is a reason for it. Even if it's just to say at the end I made it through. That's more than a lot of people are given the right to.