The Day After

Three or four times per year, our family experiences "the day after." 

It's the day that happens the day after that final curtain, when the show is over, we walk away from a process that has been a huge part of our life for 4 months, and it is bittersweet knowing that it's asking too much to ever have that exact same group of people in a room together again. Most will stay on for the next show, some will leave due to other commitments, a few will just drift away. It will never be exactly the same. And perhaps that's a good thing - because then the time you spend together belongs to God - it stands out in your mind as a memorable, special thing you can't control the time frame on, and it should be cherished. 

The day after for me usually involves loafing around the house in comfy clothes, writing thank you notes, responding to various ministry inquiries and just hanging out with my family - especially the kids who have rarely seen all four of us in the same room in quite some time (thank you MLK day for that gift!) 

For Sam, we go into a one-week detox - no show music allowed in common areas, a concerted effort to focus on other things like board games, reading, resting - NOT going to the studio with mommy to tie up loose ends. And we usually deal with irritated eyes, dry skin, nosebleeds, etc. from the theater air and dust that just messes him up. We also talk about going back to Kindergarten and not talking about the show. To not have a "look at me" attitude. To hear what went on in THEIR lives over the weekend, and if an urge to talk about being onstage comes up, to try talking about how Jesus met us there instead. 

And wow, did Jesus ever meet us. You guys, I was not excited for this show. We had a stress-heavy cast. There were so many burdens in the lives of these participants - our purpose was genuinely tested and proven as we dealt with each one, unraveling and assisting in complicated situations with several individuals. Walking through storms with them, and walking through our own with a severe lack of funds and never enough hours in the week. 

A few hours before opening night, when I was on my way to the theater, I lost my keys. I unlocked the car, buckled up the kids, ran back inside really quickly and could not find them. I had a complete mental breakdown, calling Frank hysterically, allowing the kids to see me hyperventilate and sob as I tore up the house and the car looking for them, and then finding them in a very obvious place. The stress and craziness that had been piling up on top of me since October just came pouring out at a very inopportune time. By the time I got to the theater, I was all cried out and reminded the devil he has no place in our ministry. At all. There isn't an inch of room available to him. He needed to leave. 

The shows ended up going smoothly. Our audiences were generous and the cast was exceptionally strong despite everything thrown our way this season. This ended up being one of the best onstage casts we've ever had - they presented the message of the script loud and clear - I am seriously incredibly proud of them! 

We also experienced incredible ministry backstage. Dedicated, real prayer for an injured dancer. Myself and another leader got the honor of catching the tears of some young participants who really stepped out and were real with themselves and what they were thinking/feeling. SUCH good work done in hearts this wknd! 

So with this, I ask myself.....

Can I finally just trust God has got this? 

Can I focus more on kindness and encouragement than I do on trying to do everything myself and failing? 

In light of all we have to face in the next few months, can I just calm the heck down and trust God? 

I totally can. 

I love Him so much. He provides when things seem impossible. He doesn't provide the bare minimum - he gives an ABUNDANCE of good blessings to those who love Him. And this is a ministry that loves Him. 

No one and nothing can ever take that away. 

Day 8 - Drive-By Joy

So sleepy today - needed caffeine. And a taco, for some strange reason. Sure, it was 8am but who's judging? I certainly did not make any sort of dietary New Year's resolution - I'm Italian and too passionate for that nonsense.

I hit the Del Taco drive through on my way home from dropping the kids off this morning. A sweet woman in a fine mood took my money at the window, when I started to get that weird feeling I get whenever God wants me to do something I would never think to do on my own.

It's not my favorite feeling, because it makes me vulnerable and potentially look beyond ridiculous, but I'm starting to get used to it.

Tell her I think she's special and that I love her.

Whaaaaaaaaaat.....okay.........

I look into my purse and see a Starbucks card I got for Christmas as I put my debit card back into my wallet. As the lady hands me my oh so healthy breakfast of coke and chicken taco, she smiles and starts to close the window.

"Oh, wait!"

She looks at me like I'm gonna ask her for hot sauce.

"I had this in my purse, and God told me to give it to you. I don't know why, I'm just being obedient - but He wants me to tell you that you're special and He loves you a lot."

Her jaw literally dropped. I don't think I've ever seen anyone look surprised like that. She thanked me and she said she would put it to good use.

I repeated again, "You're welcome, no problem. God just really wants you to know you're loved."

Her eyes filled up with tears, and she looked relieved somehow. It's hard to describe, but her entire demeanor changed from busy, perky fast food employee to reflective, relieved, grateful human being.

Over a stupid Starbucks card.

I love this God of ours and the little ways He allows us to share our wealth - even if it's just a coffee card.

Change of Perspective

Yesterday was a tough day filled with tough conversations and a situation I wasn't prepared for. I had to skip a New Year's party I had been looking forward to for weeks so I could spend all night resolving it. It kind of sucked. 

I spent all day in tears. I spent all night in a fit of equal parts determination and devastation. 

And by 11pm, there was no other place I wanted to be. 

Wait what? Gee Tam, you sure know how to party, huh? 

Don't get me wrong - I was so looking forward to the party. It made me sad I wasn't there and that probably no one even noticed I was missing. My second choice (3rd, 4th or 5th either.....) of plans also had nothing to do with untangling a mess that mostly resulted from someone else's choices. But it was what it was, and I jumped into the evening asking God to bless. 

Throughout the night alone, I was reminded what INCREDIBLE people I know. They allowed God to use them yesterday and were a direct answer to my prayers. 

I was forced to spend literally hours dissecting every documented moment of Royal Stage over the past year - every dime we spent, every activity we had, every outreach we organized......

And as the night went on, my heart was filled with an overwhelming peace and joy. 

For months I've been walking around with a little storm cloud over my head in regards to my ministry. Things haven't gotten accomplished in my timing, spiritual and ministerial goals I placed upon myself and my leadership have fallen terribly short, and our upcoming show.....yeah, not looking how I want it to AT ALL. 

Me, me, me. Myself, want, mine. 

Wow. Forgive me, Lord. What the heck. I didn't used to be resentful or angry. I didn't used to be frustrated with our girls or disappointed with our programs. And in some off twist of irony, our dancers and actors are GOOD. We spent many years building up an artistically capable group and God delivered big time this year. 

And all I can do is mope and complain? 

I'm so sorry . 

For hours as I read documents and typed in information , God brought to mind the events of the past year. It was like a significant portion of the past 12 months flashing before my eyes and I felt all of the joy, victory and love again our ministry is honestly so dang good at producing. 

It was through these memories I realized I haven't been happy at Royal Stage for a very long time. And I haven't been happy because I simply could not believe that God would trust me with something so great. 

4 what is man that you are mindful of him,
    and the son of man that you care for him?

I've been told for so long that I deserve to be unhappy, that I haven't given myself permission to see the joy. I have been told for so long that I will fail and screw up, that I assumed I already had. 

Now instead I thought about the girls I've seen improve emotionally/physically, the leaders that have grown so much in their faith, the dancers who have returned to Christ after overcoming anger and resentment toward him, the hugs received from our outreach participants, the conversations and prayer times, the victories, the great performances , the healings......yeah. 

Get over yourself, Tam. God loves you and believes in you. End of story. 

He believes in all of us and loves us all beyond reason. 

2014 is going to be an incredible year - I feel so fortunate to get to start it with a new perspective on serving Him. 

Why 2013 Was the Best Year Ever

2013 was the best year ever. Seriously. It was filled with tremendous challenges and searing emotional/mental struggle - but it will go down in history as one of my most favorite years.

Why?

Because through adversity, I learned who I really am.

I had some of my best talks with God.

I stared past pain right in the face and God told me I'm a princess. I am the daughter of a KING. And that's not me being stuck up - you are too! We are all royalty if we choose to step into the throne room.

I wouldn't change a moment of 2013 because it showed me that with every "I can't" that was uttered....in the end, I could. I did. I will.

This is the year God tore off my pride big time. When I stopped caring what other people think (mostly. I'm still a work in progress).

2013 was a time where I learned what's important, and that my life holds value. Another year passed where the people I used to love the most continued their silence and judgment. But it was also a year where I learned that there's people who love me unconditionally and want me around.

This year was filled to the brim with pain, disappointment and fear. Which, as it turns out, was simply a solid road to healing, hope and peace.

When the calendar turns over to 2014 in 14ish hours, will all my troubles be gone? Will I be free from the things I've asked God to take away and He hasn't? Nope, probably not.

But I WILL go into the New Year sure of who I am and who my Daddy is. And that's totally enough for this girl.

Overcome Evil With Good

Don't be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good....

Romans is my absolute favorite book in the bible. I think it's because I'm such a "do something" sort of girl, and it's full of that sort of stuff, plus a lot of serious spiritual butt-kicking.

I started to feel like total garbage last night. I've been sick for weeks and just started to feel really down about some things. Sometimes no matter how busy I make myself, or how many friends I have, or how close I am to God - there are times I just have to deal with the fact I have depression and panic disorders, and I have them pretty bad.

But tonight as this stupid darkness insists on following me around as I try to savor what's left of the weekend, I know the bible commands us to overcome evil with good. Even when that evil is just in my mind, I can fight it with real, tangible things that I am so thankful for.

As the year draws to a close in a couple of days, here are 33 things (2013....20+13...I know, clever) ;) that I'm thankful for. If you're stuck in darkness too, why not make your own list?

1. Guilt-free naps when it's pouring rain outside 
2. Charlotte's huge deep blue eyes. 
3. Sam's smile.
4. Friendships that pick up right where they were left off. 
5. Two reliable, drama-free cars. 
6. Sushi. Churros. 
7. The Internet (usually). 
8. Job 22:21 and Numbers 23:19 
9. Deep, meaningful discussions in hot tubs (I don't know why but it always happens!) 
10. Disneyland when it first opens
11. Reading or journaling in my hammock 
12. Hot pink sunsets that take me by surprise
13. Alone time
14. The cuteness and oldness of our church building. I seriously love it and would be sad if it were ever remodeled. 
15. Oversized sweaters, leggings, boots.
16. The first ten minutes after a Royal Stage show
17. Catching my children being genuinely kind to each other unprompted
18. Handwritten letters/cards. Extra credit if they come in the mail. 
19. People responding promptly to phone calls/emails
20. Spontaneous weekend trips
21. Agenda-free weekends (rare.) 
22. Really good worship music 
23. A 100% clean house 
24. Autumn
25. One-on-one quality time
26. That my husband works hard so I can pursue my dreams
27. Peach smoothies from Vallco. Sigh.
28. All the windows in the house open when there is a spring breeze
29. Unconditional love that I'm absolutely certain of. 
30. Game nights
31. My mom's cooking
32. Every single thing about Kauai 
33. Random good deeds

This too shall pass....

Day 2 - Opportunity

I worked at the studio instead of home yesterday. You guys, that room gets COLD! I put the heater on, but it literally takes an hour to even begin to heat that huge room, so I had burritoed myself into a torn up blanket left behind in the Annie props and typed with T-Rex arm restrictions. 

That's how Y found me when she arrived for our meeting. 

A lot of people refer people to Royal Stage to be teachers. Unfortunately we don't have a lot of room for them to come be paid staff because 1) our bank account is already stretched and way stressed out.  2) our teaching staff right now is seriously incredible and pretty much completes us. 

So, I met with Y just to be nice because a family I adore had sent her. 

This turned out to be a woman not only with a beautiful portfolio and great education - she was also the survivor of an abusive relationship - currently a single mom with four children after having to literally flee her husband. 

She freely shared her broken heart with me. Her pain was visibly still raw - and yet she glorified God through it. 

From the depths of my burrito shroud, I sat inspired ;) 

When we started to talk business, I was about to give her the standard speech of building prices, contracts, etc but God told me quite clearly to be a supporter instead of a building owner right then.

What? Seriously God? We need money SO badly right now. I am not even sure how Royal Stage is going to weather the next few months and here I am being told to hand the studio over? 

God was clear. I told her we wouldn't charge her rent until her classes were full, which can likely take awhile. 

Dang it. 

She can have free advertising space in our playbill, website, etc. Which we are selling right now as a fundraiser . 

Ouch. 

Her face LIT UP. She was so relieved and happy at the thought of being able to support her family further without "owing" anything. 

And my heart honestly lit up knowing that an abuse survivor was going to experience help (and hopefully a bit of healing too) through our little non profit and the arts God has so beautifully given us. 

Get out of the way, Tam. Just let God do things. Get out of the way. 

Now or Never

The Project has become a sort of a joke. At least in my mind. Lately with all things regarding ministry, I've felt like a complete joke. I know this is because I see things under a microscope - that I'm just too close to everything to have clear perspective.....but lately I've just wanted to throw in the towel because my life is so comfortable and awesome that I am beginning to feel as if I am taunting God somehow when I ask for opportunities to serve Him and don't follow through. When it's easy to just let important things go because no one else comes alongside. 

The world is filled with people who care, but do not. Who help, but not really. Who believe, but want things to be easy. 

I've become that person - thus, the Project has stalled. And stalled and stalled and now I am older and more tired and distracted. It's like hitting the gym 60 lbs later than you intended. It's more difficult now, the discipline is gone and you'll find the only person worth blaming when you look in the mirror. 

I decided I needed to do the Project today. But what could I do? It's the day after Christmas, article deadlines are creeping upon me, I'm overwhelmed with Royal Stage right now, excuses excuses excuses......

Tell her God loves her. 

What? 

Oh, hi God. You know, we went an incredibly long time without speaking and now you talk to me all the time. I don't mean to be a brat or anything , but sometimes perhaps the old way was easier. 

Tell her God loves her . 

"Her" is a woman I sort of met at the doctor's office a week ago when my children were both in foul moods, I had a raging viral infection and the line of people was aggravatingly long. A man had literally stepped on Charlotte, knocking her down to the floor and releasing a barrage of sobs and wails, which had let to the doctor giving her candy - but not to Sam. Tears poured from the other team. 

Then I hear the woman behind me, frustrated because her phone is about to die and she needs to call her husband about their little boy there with her. 

I offer her my phone, much to the agonizing protests of my little hungry and tired appendages who wanted to play Sonic the Hedgehog. 

She looked absolutely stunned that a stranger would readily hand her an iPhone with full trust and she calls her husband. She thanks me profusely. That's the end of the story. 

Until today, when God tells me to tell her He loves her. 

Seriously? I will sound like an idiot and don't I already live enough of my life like that? 

I still have her husband's phone number in my phone. I text him, "Hi, I know this is weird but did your wife call you from a stranger's phone last week?" 

Immediate reply - yes. 

This is ridiculous.

"Okay I promise I'm not a total whack a doo or anything, but God really stuck her to my heart. I know you don't know me, but if your family needs prayer for anything, I am here. And I'm supposed to tell you God really loves you guys. And uh, Merry Day After Christmas." 

The wife responds. With thankfulness and a handful of prayer requests - so open and happy and now we are friends. 

I promise to pray for her. She is grateful and surprisingly transparent. 

It's kind of fun listening to God. 

So easy. I can do this every day.