Change of Perspective

Yesterday was a tough day filled with tough conversations and a situation I wasn't prepared for. I had to skip a New Year's party I had been looking forward to for weeks so I could spend all night resolving it. It kind of sucked. 

I spent all day in tears. I spent all night in a fit of equal parts determination and devastation. 

And by 11pm, there was no other place I wanted to be. 

Wait what? Gee Tam, you sure know how to party, huh? 

Don't get me wrong - I was so looking forward to the party. It made me sad I wasn't there and that probably no one even noticed I was missing. My second choice (3rd, 4th or 5th either.....) of plans also had nothing to do with untangling a mess that mostly resulted from someone else's choices. But it was what it was, and I jumped into the evening asking God to bless. 

Throughout the night alone, I was reminded what INCREDIBLE people I know. They allowed God to use them yesterday and were a direct answer to my prayers. 

I was forced to spend literally hours dissecting every documented moment of Royal Stage over the past year - every dime we spent, every activity we had, every outreach we organized......

And as the night went on, my heart was filled with an overwhelming peace and joy. 

For months I've been walking around with a little storm cloud over my head in regards to my ministry. Things haven't gotten accomplished in my timing, spiritual and ministerial goals I placed upon myself and my leadership have fallen terribly short, and our upcoming show.....yeah, not looking how I want it to AT ALL. 

Me, me, me. Myself, want, mine. 

Wow. Forgive me, Lord. What the heck. I didn't used to be resentful or angry. I didn't used to be frustrated with our girls or disappointed with our programs. And in some off twist of irony, our dancers and actors are GOOD. We spent many years building up an artistically capable group and God delivered big time this year. 

And all I can do is mope and complain? 

I'm so sorry . 

For hours as I read documents and typed in information , God brought to mind the events of the past year. It was like a significant portion of the past 12 months flashing before my eyes and I felt all of the joy, victory and love again our ministry is honestly so dang good at producing. 

It was through these memories I realized I haven't been happy at Royal Stage for a very long time. And I haven't been happy because I simply could not believe that God would trust me with something so great. 

4 what is man that you are mindful of him,
    and the son of man that you care for him?

I've been told for so long that I deserve to be unhappy, that I haven't given myself permission to see the joy. I have been told for so long that I will fail and screw up, that I assumed I already had. 

Now instead I thought about the girls I've seen improve emotionally/physically, the leaders that have grown so much in their faith, the dancers who have returned to Christ after overcoming anger and resentment toward him, the hugs received from our outreach participants, the conversations and prayer times, the victories, the great performances , the healings......yeah. 

Get over yourself, Tam. God loves you and believes in you. End of story. 

He believes in all of us and loves us all beyond reason. 

2014 is going to be an incredible year - I feel so fortunate to get to start it with a new perspective on serving Him.