I really did.
Almost every result that popped up was "does God want me to be happy?" People openly complaining about how God didn't give them what they wanted, sermons written by prosperity preachers, etc.
No, Google, you didn't understand my question. I don't want to know if God wants to give me stuff or if He prioritized my happiness over my righteousness. I want to know, literally, if I will be IN TROUBLE if I'M HAPPY.
It sounds so stupid when I type it out, but in my head it's made perfect sense for basically forever. If I am happy, free, weightless - then I am bad. I am disrespectful. I am in for a rude awakening when I die. I should be living in fear, shame, doubt, guilt.....right?
Is this the repercussions of growing up half-Catholic/half New Age? I was never good at either - the former emphasizing penance and solemnity, the latter encouraging heightened states of enlightenment I could never really achieve. I don't know what caused this perspective, but I do know it has infiltrated every nook, cranny and crevice of my spirit - oozing all over and clouding the Truth.
A wise friend gave me the challenge this week to name one thing daily that I like about myself and text her what I come up with for 7 days.
You guys, it was hard to come up with 7 things. Honestly, today is Day 7 and I'm clueless as to what to say. Where in the world did I learn to be so angry at myself? When did I become my own worst enemy?
Certainly there have been people in my life who have hurt me. Can anyone claim immunity from that? As a ministry leader I am wide open to criticism on the daily. I hear every piece of gossip and negative talk about me and my organization - even if I never confront the person - trust me that's a choice. Ask any director/pastor/leader....we hear it all. We just aren't really allowed to fight back.
But people who genuinely wish me harm? People who personally detest me and are waiting in the shadows to see me trip and fall?
They haven't been around in quite sometime. All is quiet.
Take a moment to realize this, self. Peace is here. And it's your choices that will determine if it will continue.
It's taken me a lifetime to accept that God isn't mad at me. Is it presumptuous to say that He's actually terribly proud of all of us who keep trying and keep going even when it's really, really difficult?
I have moments when I don't hear God. I have times I feel directionless. But not so much anymore. Even when emotions run wild, I still usually KNOW what God wants me to do and can act in obedience.
I realize that I am very fortunate that while many of my peers are still trying to figure out what they want to do when they "grow up" - God has made it clear to me what He wants me to do. I am
not lacking direction. I just need to do it.
This summer I want to live out happy. Recklessly so. The weights of shame, fear, guilt and regret are very heavy. But I can use them to build my strength instead of allowing them to pull me down.
My life is so beautiful. Why do I feel ashamed of that when I should be thankful?
The things God has asked me to do are scary and intimidating. But so was founding Royal Stage. And writing a book. And heck, asking Jesus into my heart was terrifying. But it all worked out.
So who am I to say I'm allowed to be too afraid to be joyful?
Friends, don't let your past hurts, present circumstances or future fears stop you from using your life for good.
We are all in this battle together.
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