Showing Up

I cringe when people use the Christian-ese phrase, "God showing up" for them. For you non-church folks out there, it basically means powerfully feeling the presence of God and/or having Him provide for a need you have, answering a prayer, etc. I get the language and the heart behind it. No one is wrong for saying it, and most people do.

But I never do. 

I don't because I really struggle with feeling God sometimes. And to me personally, declaring that He showed up for me would insinuate that He wasn't already there. I need to remind myself continuously that God is here. He is for me, He loves me, and He is not angry at me. That's just where I'm at. I cannot extend any language that would lead my heart to believe once again that He's left me. I've had enough moments in my life where the desert is so intensely dry, there seemed to be no chance of relief. God just becomes some sort of mirage that is constructed out of what others have told me. 

This is wrong. God shows up for me all the time. He's never left.

Remember that, Tam. And follow the advice of others that when things feel okay, write them down so you have those little memorials to look back on and be refreshed.

So here I am writing them down.

I am ridiculously blessed. My life is so easy. But lately, particular circumstances sent me absolutely over the edge. And in my usual routine of having a spiritual temper tantrum, I declared to kingdom come that God wasn't there. He wasn't "showing up." As strong as my faith is to many outside of my church bubble, I was on the brink of just thinking there is no way in heck I can do this anymore. I can't do ministry, I can't do parenthood...I can't do life.

Then it hit me that in all my despair, I was actually pushing against God instead of pressing into Him. If the spiritual realm were a physical one, I was like a little kid punching at a strong, solid Father, raging that I wasn't getting my way.

Once again, I decided that intimacy and trust was scary, and God was no different. Just like people, He was laughing at me while I was hurting. He already had one foot out the door, and I just needed to say or do one more thing wrong and He was out of there. God was not only failing to "show up," He was persisting in His leaving.

When I realized I was fighting against God, and was giving in once again to my irrational fears thanks to a combination of an insecure life and some unfortunate personality quirks, I stopped. I stopped fighting. I just stopped.

I went on to pray the crappiest prayer ever. It was probably about four words long, and my heart was half in it. To sum it up, I told God, "I am done. I need help. Fix it."

Just that little ounce of faith. Just that little tiny step toward sanity again and believing in what I always so publicly claim to believe caused the first step in what I hope is a transformation.

God showed me I was loved. An amazing person in my life was willing to meet me at 11pm to hear my hurting heart.

I have a pastor that buys me tacos and gives me advice. And he's not afraid to tell me the truth, even when it's going to hurt, because he knows what God is saying, and he knows that God knows what I need.

I got a raise today for a writing job that I was really struggling with, but pushed through the madness to complete because I knew it would keep me somewhat centered and quiet my mind. And now she's going to pay me more? Right after I got a traffic ticket I had no idea how I was going to pay and was stressing me out?

A pastor of another church, who has observed my ministry from afar randomly sent me an email today offering encouragement, mentorship and resources I have been dreaming of. I never reached out to him for anything before, and he contacted me.

Last night at a meeting I was terrified to lead, what I thought would certainly turn into World War III actually turned into an incredibly peaceful, encouraging time where people commended the ministry and its efforts rather than focusing on the struggle at hand.

God has protected and provided and "shown up," even though all I took was the measliest little step toward Him.

I am not great. I am not strong. I am not brave. I am emotionally wreckless and spiritually clumsy.

But God hears the cry of His kids. He cares about our little things.

In Him there is safety and grace and healing.

I'm not there yet. I have a long, rocky road to get to where I hope to be.

But God is not only showing up, He is next to me every step of the way.

My number one prayer is that I never forget this again.