One Year

Originally, I wanted to do a lot of fun, celebratory things today - but I am swamped with work and the studio move - so a simple celebratory blog post will have to do. 

Today has been a year of freedom from self-injury. 

I know that sounds silly, but for those who have struggled with it, they know that it's a victory. Perhaps a silly victory in the grand scheme of things, but still an important one nonetheless. 

For years, I felt depression and fear so intensely, I would need to cut or burn myself to "release" some of the emotional pain. It started when I was still in high school and continued on until around the time I got married. I went years without doing it, and then one day I just fell back into it. It was like an alcoholic taking that one drink.....you feel better, even though your common sense tells you that you'll feel WORSE after.....it is just such a relief to have a break from the "noise," even if it is very fleeting. 

The last time I turned to that form of relief, I cut up my legs with a pair of kitchen scissors. The cuts did not go deep, but were purposeful enough that I  now have scars to match the ones on my stomach and arms. 

I called someone who came over right away, and she got the wonderful (ha) privilege of seeing the blood all over my legs and what a crumpled, pathetic mess I was. I felt like a shell of a human. I didn't feel better. I wasn't making anyone happy by acting this way. I determined right then to stop. 

Choosing healing was the best decision I ever made. 

It has not been an easy year. The desire for self-harm has been so strong, I was hospitalized for a few days over the summer. I've had to talk to a lot of people, and go to therapy. (For the millionth time!) 

I am on medications. I know these can be abused and aren't always necessary, but I've made peace with the fact that they are for me. I can control my depression and anxiety on meds. I can without, too, but I could also probably lift a car up in the air with my bare hands if I truly set my mind to it, right? ;) 

I am so grateful I've made it an entire year. I am not who I once was. God makes us a new creation continuously! When the Potter asks for clay, you better believe I'm there with my arms outstretched ready to be formed. 

So, today I celebrate. I am celebrating God's goodness. His strength. His love. The fact that I've discovered it's not that difficult to be brave - and, in fact, in a way it's rather fun.