Sweet (and Sour) Sixteen

On the bookshelf in our bedroom sits an album filled with photos from junior prom. In some of the pictures, there are people who were once best friends but have drifted into being just Facebook friends. There's a dress I loved so much and now I see it and think it's actually pretty darn ugly. Life happens, perspectives change. 

In that album though - and honestly probably my reason for hanging onto it - a person who was very precious to me is in a few of the photos. She was there the night I became a Christian - the most important and right decision I've ever made. She stuck close to me through those first shaky years and I told her everything. She was wise, she was beautiful, she was strong. And she volunteered to do my hair on prom night.

Then one day I broke her. The ugliness of a particular sin combined with the 16 years of wounds endured before I had even met her caused everything to turn to dust. I was an angry, scared teenager, and she - a mentor, friend and practically a sister - walked out of my life as quickly as she had entered it. 

I lived life next to her for another year, but she placed an emotional fortress around herself that was never disarmed. I was never forgiven. 

Years later, I see glimpses of her life through others' wedding photos or baby showers.....but the fortress is still there. My one time hero refuses to friend me on Facebook. 

It took me a very, very long time to look through that album and accept the fact that I wasn't a hideous beast. 

Our friendship-turned-catastrophe spurred on a cycle of dysfunctional relationships for years. I danced the same steps everytime - meet, grow ferociously close, break it in two. Sometimes it was because of my oh so charming histrionics. Sometimes it was my penchant for self-destruction. Eventually, it became my inability to trust and let people in. 

(Approximate location of the portal to Hell younger Tam created: )

There are now four people who refuse to friend me on Facebook. 

In hindsight I realize some of my actions were not ideal. But I also realize now that no one has the right to determine another person's worthiness to God, either. 

Boundaries are good. Boundaries are healthy. Cut people off if you must (and sometimes honestly it's best)....but if you find yourself going out of your way to ensure they know firsthand how dirty and worthless you now think they are, you are likely following your own rules instead of God's. 

I miss the hero from my past every single day. Chances are, I'll never get to speak to her again. I've said I'm sorry. But the apology bounces against the silence and returns to me. 

If I were able to sit down with my 16-year-old self, I would tell her to spend more time falling in love with God instead of fearing Him as cold, distant and conditional. I would give her this list of 16 reasons as to why she mattered then, and why she matters now. Matters to someone who knows every inch of her ugly, and is still thrilled to know her. 

1. God loves her. 

2. God forgives her. 

3. She is safe. 

4. She has permission to be happy. 

5. Her filth is gone. 

6. She is not called to live in fear. 

7. She is the princess of a great King. 

8. There is Someone who can handle the hurt. 

9. She has a pulse. She has another chance.

10. There are people who value her.

11. There is a God who will always value her. 

12. Her pain will help others. 

13. Nothing separates her from Christ's sacrifice. 

14. She can be someone's hero.

15. She can choose to stay through someone's catastrophe. 

16. A mighty, mighty Savior can't wait to someday meet her face to face. 

There is no fortress of unforgiveness to be found. 

To the four people who have made the permanent decision that I'm not worthy of a place in your corner of the world.....thank you. Because without your rejection, I would never have a heart to love others so big. 

I am worth knowing. I can be a horrible, wretched, mean girl. But I can also be caring, funny, intelligent and strong. I've spent so much time liking you and hoping you'll decide again one day to like me, that I've forgotten to just take a deep breath and be grateful for my life. 

It's the saddest thing when someone decides someone else no longer matters. Oh, the great things we could've done and the adventures we would've had! 

But instead, I'm choosing to be thankful that by losing you, I've gained a strong Father instead. 

And P.S.....if you are reading this and knew me in high school....yeah, sorry about that....