The Upside.

I worry a lot about my children inheriting my issues, as I'm sure most parents do. So far Sam has gotten my peanut allergy and dramarama response reflex. Charlotte has gotten my stubbornness and embarrasses super easily. These personality quirks are a bummer, but they aren't the end all. I am told almost daily how my kids are sweet, kind, loving, giving, obedient (ha! not at home!) and poignantly observant.

I worry much more about them inheriting mental illness. Catching the incessant bug of depression, anxiety, OCD - the things that we nonchalantly make fun of in society without really realizing it - many people not understanding how deeply the hurt digs in and how everything is affected.

Sometimes before bed, I go into the kids' room and crawl in next to each of them and pray. I pray over their little sleeping heads that they will be protected from these particular manifestations of evil. That they will never have traumas in their lives that trigger such outrageous aftershocks - that they will always be of sound mind and never feel the pain that people with a past of abuse or mental illness have no choice but to learn to live with on a daily basis.

And almost every night I do this, I go to sleep realizing that while God can do anything, it's not likely they will be completely spared. Everyone gets hurt at some point, but beyond that, genetics are genetics and the odds are at least half not in their favor.

So, my little spawns, while I will always pray for protection and peace for you, I've also started to both pray and act a bit differently. I am speaking out boldly about what has happened to me and this newer road I am currently on. Its power decreases when words are written, when thoughts and prayers are spoken aloud. I'm always praying that you will find little things in life that will always make living worthwhile.

Like reading God's word curled up in a hammock on summer evenings.
Like the invaluable moments of connecting with a good friend over dessert.
Like laughing so hard no noise comes out and you can't help but smile years later from the memory.
Like the freedom of dancing - or anything else that gives you power over your body and brief relief.
Like the amazing feeling of realizing a prayer has been answered, even when it's not "the one."
Like knowing you're loved unconditionally by God first, and hopefully a person or two as a bonus.
Like Disneyland at Christmastime.
Like the adrenaline rush of a really impressive roller coaster.
Like game nights and craft nights and any other night where you're surrounded by quiet positivity.
Like going back to bed during a rainstorm because you have nothing on the calendar.
Like receiving a spontaneous card in the mail just because.
Like hearing a really good sermon that feels as if it's just for you.
Like feeling God's love. Really, truly feeling it. 

And never, ever allowing the poison of genetic makeup get in the way of your victory.

P.S. - I just recently read a study that showed people with depression are four times as capable in art and have an intense creativity level. People with anxiety have very high levels of empathy and an ability to feel for and help others. Those with OCD are incredibly determined by nature and have impecable memories. So while you will struggle with forgetting the bad, you will also firmly remember the good.