I'm getting better, but tonight I did realize something important. I've put forth a lot of energy through counseling , healing prayer sessions, journaling and talking with others in order to forgive those who have hurt me. I thought I could move forward and have this amazing life with Christ in the center of it all if I could just forgive my family, my former close friends, people who have turned their backs on my ministry, etc. I've done pretty well at it and have let a lot go, but the wounds still remain.
I never thought to forgive myself.
Tonight I committed to myself and God to start working on forgiving myself. Due to either experiences or just not being very smart, I always believe that I am disrespecting God if I think anything positive about myself. It's very hard for me to forgive myself, as I am my own worst critic by far.
But I need to let go.
There are situations in my life that are my fault, but also quite a few that weren't. Even if I am partially to blame, I don't need to crucify myself. I've spent years convincing myself that if I take the blame, then I have control over a situation and it can't hurt me.
In case you were wondering, it hasn't gone so well.
In my attempt to ensure I never thought anything good about myself in order to remain right before God, I have cheapened the gift Jesus gave by dying on the cross. I put Him back up there whenever I argue with Him that I am not worth the sacrifice. I need to stop this.
I will never be pretty or profoundly intelligent, but I can still take the risk of accepting myself as a decent person that Christ felt worthwhile enough to die for. I will never enjoy the memories I have or the choices I've made, but I can forgive myself for my part in them.
I can walk forward. No one will slap my hand. I'm the only enemy I really have left, and she needs to go away. She's just getting in the way.
God gave me this scripture tonight and I really love this version of it.
You’re blessed when you stay on course, walking steadily on the road revealed by GOD. You’re blessed when you follow his directions, doing your best to find him. That’s right—you don’t go off on your own; you walk straight along the road he set. You, GOD, prescribed the right way to live; now you expect us to live it. Oh, that my steps might be steady, keeping to the course you set; Then I’d never have any regrets in comparing my life with your counsel. I thank you for speaking straight from your heart; I learn the pattern of your righteous ways. I’m going to do what you tell me to do; don’t ever walk off and leave me.
How can a young person live a clean life? By carefully reading the map of your Word. I’m single-minded in pursuit of you; don’t let me miss the road signs you’ve posted. I’ve banked your promises in the vault of my heart so I won’t sin myself bankrupt. Be blessed, GOD; train me in your ways of wise living. I’ll transfer to my lips all the counsel that comes from your mouth; I delight far more in what you tell me about living than in gathering a pile of riches. I ponder every morsel of wisdom from you, I attentively watch how you’ve done it. I relish everything you’ve told me of life, I won’t forget a word of it.
Be generous with me and I’ll live a full life; not for a minute will I take my eyes off your road. Open my eyes so I can see what you show me of your miracle-wonders. I’m a stranger in these parts; give me clear directions. My soul is starved and hungry, ravenous!— insatiable for your nourishing commands. And those who think they know so much, ignoring everything you tell them—let them have it! Don’t let them mock and humiliate me; I’ve been careful to do just what you said. While bad neighbors maliciously gossip about me, I’m absorbed in pondering your wise counsel. Yes, your sayings on life are what give me delight; I listen to them as to good neighbors!
I’m feeling terrible—I couldn’t feel worse! Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember? When I told my story, you responded; train me well in your deep wisdom. Help me understand these things inside and out so I can ponder your miracle-wonders. My sad life’s dilapidated, a falling-down barn; build me up again by your Word. Barricade the road that goes Nowhere; grace me with your clear revelation. I choose the true road to Somewhere, I post your road signs at every curve and corner. I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me; GOD, don’t let me down! I’ll run the course you lay out for me if you’ll just show me how. (Psalm 119:1-32 MSG)
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