I started new medication a little over a week ago. The fun thing about this type of medicine is you experience about 4 weeks of awful side effects, and don't see any of the benefits for 6-8 weeks. The sensible side of me (and she is very small) knows that faithfully taking these new pills might be the answer I've been waiting for. The emotion-driven side of me (and she's quite large) is not exactly loving this process.
First, my ghrelin punched my leptin in the face and it apparently ran away. For you non-scientists out there, that means I am hungry ALL. THE. TIME. I have a slight reputation within my family for being a beast when I'm hungry. I am the epitome of "hangry." Right now I am living the hangry life, whining like a toddler to Frank about how I'm starving, and then realizing we just had breakfast an hour ago. Then, there are the panic attacks - coming at me like clockwork, and the nightmares where I see my children drowned together in the bathtub and other images frightening enough that I slept on their bedroom floor a few nights ago to protect them from the make believe horrors in my head. As if they could reach them somehow.
Last night, I completely broke. It was ugly, raw and also a relief to realize that my mind could not possibly get worse than this. There just isn't any way. I'm caught in the swirl of tempting death, self-destruction, freak show thoughts and incredibly real flashbacks......and outside the sun is shining and my baby is about to graduate Kindergarten.
What.
The.
Heck.
God.
Then, this week we got a call for a new building for Royal Stage. Incredibly perfect in every way. In fact, if I really weigh bad against good, Royal Stage has been kept perfect in every way thanks to God's goodness and protection. We keep getting new participants, this building is definitely within reach, we have our bills paid for summer....what do I do to deserve these blessings? How can part of me be so wretched, broken and awful, and the other part of me gets to direct this bright, wonderful, growing ministry? To be the mother of two happy, exuberant little children? To marry my high school sweetheart and consistently get paid to be a published writer? To have more friends than I have time to hang out with, and a house that I get to spend all summer redecorating?
And then there's the darkness, the compulsions, the realization another summer has come and nothing has changed, the breakdowns, the panic attacks, the fear, the overwhelming desire to put an end to something that looks very bad, but people keep telling me has the potential to be good.
Which half of me am I, God? Really.
His ways are beyond me. Despite the hurt, I just don't see how it's possible to fully give up in front of His grace.
{{{hugs}}} Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Sometimes five minutes at a time. The bad moments and the darkness won't last. Be patient with yourself as you take your medication. You know you won't get results overnight. Look at how long you have hung in and how brave you have been until now. You can do this and you will get better. I have faith in you, and so do your family and friends. Lean on your faith, and know you are never alone.
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