One Step Ahead of June

My little girl's middle name is June. We got the idea from a woman of that name that Frank grew up with who just radiates God's joy and light. We still see her occasionally and she is fabulous. 

We also had a second reason for choosing her middle name. My entire world fell apart during the month of June. Twice. 

I won't go into details and I know I lean toward the histrionic, but for those who know me best there is likely agreement that these were genuine, life-altering, sky falling events. It sucked. 

I had to name my daughter June because there had to be hope in the summer again. There had to be something good to associate that stupid month with. 

When I look at her, I smile. 

Frustratingly, it hasn't changed summer much in terms of healing. I hate the heat, the feel of grass against my skin, the flashbacks....I am just no good at enjoying summer. I'm likely the only person on earth that dislikes summer. Seriously, who doesn't like summer? 

I've decided that this year is going to be different. It's not going to be my favorite season, but it can certainly be better than I've made it in the past. When I was in high school my favorite teacher gave me the quote, "Experience isn't what happens to you. It's what you do with what happens to you." Truth. Gosh. 

1) I'm going to slow things down. 

More time with my babies, more time with my husband, more time with my Jesus. I have made a slew of new friends this year - I'd like to have barbecues, craft days, anything that will remind me I don't need to act as if I'm all alone in this world. Because honestly, I'm about as far from alone as a person can get. 

2) I'm going to face fear in the face. I've already stared down some of it and it backed off. That's incredibly empowering - to know your emotional monsters are hiding in dark corners not because they are waiting to scare you, but because they're afraid you'll find out they're really not too much of a threat. 

3) I'm going to embrace the whole therapy thing. I hate doctors. I hate complainers. I hate swallowing pills. But right now my body doesn't work right and my life doesn't feel right - I'm going to kick butt until I'm better. I am currently being thrown completely off by new medication - always a treat the first few weeks in. But I KNOW I'll feel better. I KNOW there are things I can talk about that will kill off the fear. I KNOW that I want much more of God than I've ever experienced before. 

Is this summer going to be easy? Heck no. It never has been since....everything. But even when my head and heart insist on holding fast to dumb anniversaries.....at least i can can climb atop all that baggage and reach something better.