The Summer of Awesome

A guy that goes to our church rushed down the aisle on Sunday and grabbed my shoulders to stop and tell me something. 

"Ah! You scared me! I'm so jumpy don't do that!" 

He looked at me perplexed, "Why would you be jumpy? You're at church." 

Why was I jumpy? Why do I get such a case of nerves when I'm at church? Or.....any social situation anywhere.....

I am in love with that new Kelly Clarkson song Invincible. Fine, fine - judge me all you want for my Kelly Clarkson love, but girlfriend hit the nail right on the head with these lyrics: 

I was running from an empty threat of emptiness.

I was running from an empty threat that didn't exist.

I was running from an empty threat of abandonment. 

I was running from an empty threat that didn't exist......

I've been sticking pretty well to the resolution to banish all mean girl thoughts from my head over the past couple of months.

 It's really hard! 

People say things to me or about me, and I don't respond. And trust me, I always have a response. Most people's bodies are what, 90% water? Yeah, mine is 90% snark and sarcasm.....but I think (hope?) that the percentage is going down. 

I'm clinging to God and seeing positive changes in my life. Royal Stage went through a season of some interpersonal drama. But for the past several months, long after that had been resolved, I needed to check myself big time when I realized I was the only one in the studio still wounded. 

I'm trying to encourage more. Tell God my opinions when they're negative, but also thank Him continuously for all the positive. And there's a ton! 

And this is the summer of awesome. 

It pays to make changes even when no one else seems to notice. 

The studio is SO peaceful! It feels like the safe place God intended it to be. I am truly understanding how it's not enough for me to want something - I need to live it out. I've never felt safer and happier, and others are telling me they feel the same. 

I'm enjoying my kids more. 

Sam will be seven in 3 weeks - his little years are flying by. Nothing else (except following Christ), is more important than being a part of these remaining moments. 

Frank made the astute observation that Charlotte expresses her insecurities by day, and Sam by night. I've stopped overthinking motherhood - abandoned all my terror of damaging these small people - and Sam's nighttime fear stopped. And Charlotte......is now scotch tape clingy instead of duct tape clingy :) 

I'm allowing myself to celebrate my husband. 

The kids made him candy medals for Father's Day and we awarded him with encouraging words - things we love about him. 

 I don't want to get too ahead of myself here, but I caught Mr. Iron Heart softening a little ;) 

Well, first he was just confused when the national anthem started playing....but then he was happy. 

I am starting to believe in family. Both literal family and spiritual family. 

   Typical feast/hangout with Frank's fam.....We should all love and revere each other as much as Charlotte loves and reveres her Auntie Karen. She's her biggest fan. 

God has truly indulged us in the "surround yourself with good people" department. Our hearts are just overflowing. 

I am handling frustrations better. 

I mean, we're late to everything always, but we are working on it....

I've decided to stop overthinking things. It's summer - I'm allowed to be a little silly and carefree - I didn't get that when I needed to, and now I have some major makeup sessions to complete. 

Let the sunshine in ❤️

Our New Friend Summer

Sam did some light reading this morning.

Charlotte is currently in the bathtub with her swim goggles. The tub hasn't been cleaned in almost a month, so on the bright side, she will see more interesting things down there. 

Sam just got out of the shower - I was on the phone and suddenly saw him ride his scooter down the hallway, soaked and naked. Oh well, turns out we're out of clean towels anyway. Let the kid air dry. 

So I'm not going to be Mother of the Year. Shocker. But I'll tell you something else shocking - I am loving summer. You guys, I'm seriously loving summer. 

We've been to the pool almost every day. For the first time in my life I'm getting sort of tan. The kids are learning to swim - my fearful, cautious little boy spent most of yesterday afternoon joyfully under water in the lap pool. Charlotte didn't frustrate her swimming teacher for the first time ever. 

Charlotte is also in gymnastics and learning fast. She's starting to read, too. Sam is going to ukelele camp. Both kids are doing the library's summer reading program and raking in the rewards. Both are enjoying the Royal Stage summer camp, too. We got pizza for dinner last night because we were tired from swimming and it was too hot to cook. 

Simple little joys.

I am only working two days a week this summer and I am volunteering at a VBS and our church fireworks stand.

 I went to a Bat Mitzvah on Saturday. 

The kids have play dates scheduled, but I do, too. Window shopping, lunches, movie dates, craft nights - not excessively so, but I'm making an effort to hang out with friends once or twice a week with no agenda. 

I made homemade play dough with the kids this week, which unfortunately stained most of the kitchen purple. I can barely keep my eyes open because I am staying up too late at night reading. 

For the first time in my life, I feel slightly confident in myself and excited for all the summer holds.

And yes, in case anyone was wondering, it is a bajillion degrees outside. But I'm finding if I just scream and complain about it straight away, I get it out of my system and have a legitimate excuse to indulge my red Gatorade addiction. 

Summer, I'm glad we've decided to be friends. 

Are You Mad When I'm Happy?

The other day, I googled "is God mad when I am happy?" 

I really did. 

Almost every result that popped up was "does God want me to be happy?" People openly complaining about how God didn't give them what they wanted, sermons written by prosperity preachers, etc. 

No, Google, you didn't understand my question. I don't want to know if God wants to give me stuff or if He prioritized my happiness over my righteousness. I want to know, literally, if I will be IN TROUBLE if I'M HAPPY. 

It sounds so stupid when I type it out, but in my head it's made perfect sense for basically forever. If I am happy, free, weightless - then I am bad. I am disrespectful. I am in for a rude awakening when I die. I should be living in fear, shame, doubt, guilt.....right? 

Is this the repercussions of growing up half-Catholic/half New Age? I was never good at either - the former emphasizing penance and solemnity, the latter encouraging heightened states of enlightenment I could never really achieve. I don't know what caused this perspective, but I do know it has infiltrated every nook, cranny and crevice of my spirit - oozing all over and clouding the Truth. 

A wise friend gave me the challenge this week to name one thing daily that I like about myself and text her what I come up with for 7 days. 

You guys, it was hard to come up with 7 things. Honestly, today is Day 7 and I'm clueless as to what to say. Where in the world did I learn to be so angry at myself? When did I become my own worst enemy? 

Certainly there have been people in my life who have hurt me. Can anyone claim immunity from that? As a ministry leader I am wide open to criticism on the daily. I hear every piece of gossip and negative talk about me and my organization - even if I never confront the person - trust me that's a choice. Ask any director/pastor/leader....we hear it all. We just aren't really allowed to fight back.

But people who genuinely wish me harm? People who personally detest me and are waiting in the shadows to see me trip and fall? 

They haven't been around in quite sometime. All is quiet. 

Take a moment to realize this, self. Peace is here. And it's your choices that will determine if it will continue. 

It's taken me a lifetime to accept that God isn't mad at me. Is it presumptuous to say that He's actually terribly proud of all of us who keep trying and keep going even when it's really, really difficult? 

I have moments when I don't hear God. I have times I feel directionless. But not so much anymore. Even when emotions run wild, I still usually KNOW what God wants me to do and can act in obedience. 

I realize that I am very fortunate that while many of my peers are still trying to figure out what they want to do when they "grow up" - God has made it clear to me what He wants me to do. I am

not lacking direction. I just need to do it. 

This summer I want to live out happy. Recklessly so. The weights of shame, fear, guilt and regret are very heavy. But I can use them to build my strength instead of allowing them to pull me down. 

My life is so beautiful. Why do I feel ashamed of that when I should be thankful? 

The things God has asked me to do are scary and intimidating. But so was founding Royal Stage. And writing a book. And heck, asking Jesus into my heart was terrifying. But it all worked out.

So who am I to say I'm allowed to be too afraid to be joyful? 

Friends, don't let your past hurts, present circumstances or future fears stop you from using your life for good. 

We are all in this battle together. 

Schooled by Sam: Part One

I wonder all the time how it's possible to make a difference in this world - what can I be doing that sets me apart from being "just" another blogger, "just" another writer, "just" another nonprofit director....my life is filled with so many cliche passions in incredibly competitive fields - I spend a large portion of my days getting people to like me and choose me (writing professionally) and getting people to get behind my vision and support it (nonprofit work). 

I have yet to figure out how to stand out from the crowd. 

My six-year-old, however, has got it in the bag. Anyone who knows Sam knows this kid beats to his own drum. 

I started going through the mountain of paperwork he brought home from the last day of school, and I am reading through each notebook - taking digital images of what makes for great memories - and preparing to recycle the rest. 

What I've found is confirmation that our little boy is smart, creative - and totally a weirdo. 

I did not know this. It's cool to see all he learned this year. 

I knew this at one time, probably, but definitely had forgotten. 

Now it gets good.....

"the Neozoic Era is the time of humans. Humans are special because they have a brain."

I'm confused by this - no other creature has a brain? (Although this would totally explain my childhood dog, Mallory). I am also pleasantly surprised to learn that there apparently was an official Neozoic dance. Which is exactly what I would do upon learning I had the first brain. 

Good to know that we use trees for roof, walls and....welcome signs. 

Bird. He's clearly inherited my master artist skills. 

"If I could choose any animal for a pet, I would pick a guard dog robot. It will help me be robotic safe." 

Heck yes - who wouldn't want a guard dog robot? Take my money! 

Our family. I love how skinny I am in Sam's depictions. 

His self-portrait is so Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.....We've got some blatant school uniform rebellion going on here. 

"this weekend I watched Shrek. It's so funny. I ate popcorn and hung out with my family. My favorite part is when the bird exploded. It cracked me up." 

At church, clearly we dance on crosses. 

And....make bibles? 

"California is in a drought. A drought is when water levels are low. I can help conserve water by drinking less water. Droughts are brown. A drought is also blue or periwinkle purple."

While a periwinkle purple drought sounds lovely, his illustrated "One Drop Creek" looks pretty dire. 

Thanksgiving. 

I get the crazy eyes at Thanksgiving too. Yum! 

Okay, so one day I was showing Charlotte a Strawberry Shortcake episode from the 1980s (my childhood). Clearly not all were impressed: 

"Once upon a time there was a little girl who loooooved the fifties strawberry shortcake. Okay maybe not the fifties but it's old. And that night she did not watch it because her big brother and sister put a wall on her side and watched Marvel 33,0018,008,081 times. 

I love this kid. 

 

Flooding Hope Once Dry.

I've been battling a pretty deep depression the past several days, combined with a whackadoo stomach bug that keeps coming and going. I've basically been in hiding for the most part, but still of course needed to take the kids to school. 

This is a photo I snapped in traffic this morning. Since its rather hard to read.....it's a California drought warning sign as viewed through the raindrops on my windshield. 

It's funny to think that God can speak through a roadside alert, but I believe God loves to use the ordinary - to reach us through the silliest of avenues if it means we will listen. 

As it steadily drizzled all day, wherever I went, I kept thinking about how God just loves to defy situations. Things can seem so dry, burned out and desperate - and He can still bring refreshment. 

We can never give up. I want to give up all the time. I'm weary. I often don't see the point. Sometimes things seem contrived and futile - honestly lately a lot of times. 

But we can't give up. 

Imagine a day where we never have to fear our spirits lacking refreshment - to be in the presence of an everlasting well of soothing restoration. To never hurt in the ways we hurt now. To have healing so deep and complete that we don't even realize we've BEEN healed - we don't even remember having that need in the first place. 

Do you know what I love most, though? We don't need to "imagine" it. We, who press on toward loving Christ even when it totally sucks in the short term, will receive that as a reality in the long term. 

And it won't be about us. About our comfort, our relief, getting our blessing.....It will be about Him and only Him. 

I am tired of my current truth. I want to continue on the journey through this desert no matter how exhausted or alone I feel at times until I know and understand HIS truth until I reach the point where it's truly all I want. 

For the LORD is God, and he created the heavens and earth and put everything in place. He made the world to be lived in, not to be a place of empty chaos. “I am the LORD,” he says, “and there is no other. I publicly proclaim bold promises. I do not whisper obscurities in some dark corner. I would not have told the people of Israel to seek me if I could not be found. I, the LORD, speak only what is true and declare only what is right. (Isaiah 45:18-19) 

It's Not Supposed To Be Like This

June 3. 

Sam's school field trip. Nothing else was allowed to enter my mind today other than the fact it was Sam's last field trip of first grade and I was going to throw myself into mommyhood on roller skates. 

The rink DJ tried to get the kids to do the hokey pokey. 

It looked like this. 

Okay kids, really? What in the world?  Where's your circle? Why isn't your right foot in? 

I looked over at Sam, my child who always demands and requires order and structure from the world. He was careening around in a circle-like formation, struggling to stay upright. He had gotten completely overwhelmed with an attempt to "turn himself around" and was quickly breaking rank like the rest. 

It shouldn't have been like this. The kids should've been in a cute little circle, putting their whole selves in and providing their adoring mothers with copious photo ops. 

Of course in reality, the whole thing was hilarious and not bothersome in the least, but it stood as an illustration. I expected them to do one thing, and it ended up being completely different. 

June 3, 2015. 

It wasn't supposed to be like this. 

I walked out to our driveway this evening and was greeted by the most perfect, breezy weather. Exactly what I grew up with - weather I love and miss. In Sacramento, in June. 

I went to a place tonight that I never would've thought I was meant to go to. If you had asked five-years-ago Tam where she would find her community and her heart, the answer would've been found in a different town with different people and different goals. 

Five years ago, I didn't have her:

As I've written before, her middle name is June totally on purpose. She is my joy. I wanted a daughter so much, but after we had Sam I completely put it out of my mind and told everyone we were going to have two more boys.

 It wasn't supposed to be like this. 

Five years ago, I was terrified of a vision God had given me to found a non-profit that defied an environment I had been raised up in, both physically and spiritually. 

I jumped and it turned out alright ;) 

I live in Sacramento. It wasn't supposed to be like this. We were going to move down to Orange County, or back to the Bay Area. But now suddenly it's been 10 years and I love so much about this city. The downtown arts culture, the rich California history, our non-chain restaurants, the grocery store clerk that notices our kids growing and changing. I love Sam's school, our neighbors across the street and the loud, inappropriate Italian man next door. I love that we can swim every day, our massive public library system and being near my husband's family. 

It wasn't supposed to be like this. It shouldn't be like this, right? 

But really, it should never have been MY way in the first place.

I mean, look at the plans I had. Would I have been happier living in the Bay Area with an exhilarating job at a publication in the city, commuting home to spend time my three sons? Maybe. But I doubt it. 

God had something different. Something humble compared to others in the world, but filled with riches for me personally. 

Never let the good things in life take you away from the best. 

Mysteries of Motherhood

I don't think I'm going to be writing anything original here, but for my own well-being, I will now proceed to openly discuss my children - specifically the children when they are sick. 

If anyone reads this and can relate, thank you for joining me on this mom voyage with its unpredictable waters. 

My children live out colds and stomach bugs like their own odd little version of the 5 Stages of Grief. It's fascinating to watch and disgustingly horrific to take part in. 

Denial....

Both mine and theirs. It starts with an unsettling stillness, which can only truly be felt by someone who lives daily with excessively spirited small children. They suddenly want to sit quietly and cuddle you, perfectly content to watch 2-star cable kids show reruns they haven't expressed interest in since...the last time they were sick. 

As I write this, Charlotte is burning through the Dora the Explorer collection on Netflix while periodically attempting to burrow back into my womb. She just vomited for the 8th time today and declared with a sigh, "Mama, I think I might be sick." 

A wave of panicked curiousity engulfs you - how did they get sick? Weren't they just sick? Who else could they have gotten sick? There's only a week of school left - we don't have time to be sick. 

But first there was the denial. She insisted she was well enough to go jump on the backyard trampoline in her underwear while I was still washing her face off from the latest hurl. She tried to convince me that eating one of Sam's baseball fundraising candy bars was a good idea for lunch. 

Sam also takes longer to realize he's sick. And he tries to convince me he's experienced a sudden, miraculous healing when he knows he's about to miss out on something fun. This time it was the parents vs kids baseball game for his league, and a housewarming party at one of his best friend's houses. 

As soon as he surrenders his denial and realizes he's sick, he becomes utterly and totally incapacitated. He can't get himself water. He can't even push the button on the remote for aforementioned subpar children's programming. He's only 6 and he's perfectly mastered the cliche male stereotype of transforming into a complete and total catatonic state over the flu. 

Anger....

The big one is angry that he isn't allowed to climb the furniture or compose music on his ukelele at the top of his lungs, even when he's sick. He will forever blame me if he never wins that Oscar for best musical score or never finds out whether or not he could indeed fly short distances with a bedsheet and coffee table runway. 

The little one just repeatedly asks why - getting progressively more scrooged up and resentful with every response. 

"Can we bake something?" 

"No." 

"Why?"

"Because you're sick." 

"Why?" 

"Because germs spread." 

"Why?" 

And the hours tick by. 

Bargaining.....

I've decided you haven't truly experienced the brilliance of childrearing until you hear the phrase, 

"If I promise not to throw up, can I...." 

Or the child throwing their sibling under the bus, pleading their case to me as to why said sibling's diarrhea is much more offensive than their vomit, so shouldn't they be allowed to go to the park/swim/play baseball, etc. while their shamed, sickly counterpart remain jailed on the couch? 

When it comes to choosing a TV show, storybook or soup flavor, I swear I've never seen such betrayal. 

Depression....

"I'm never going to be allowed to eat pizza again." 

"Now I'll never have a birthday party." (In July). 

"I'm never going to get to do anything I want or feel better ever again or see anyone that i love again." 

You have a tummy bug. What's the point of living? 

Acceptance.....

This is the stage of childhood sickness where this mama breathes a sigh of relief. It's when these precious little beings, as crazy as they make you, settle into the crook of your arm and relax with trust. Where they believe you when you say the medicine will help, the fever will pass and the toilet will soon go back to seeing only one end of them again. 

It's when you're their safe spot. And you watch them sleep and check on them constantly because there's no one else in the world you'd rather be than keeping this boy and his little sister safe. 

Sickness sucks. But the few days of discomfort and insanity pales in comparison to the richness of knowing God has entrusted you with the great honor of raising up little children.

Which is where we meet stage 6.

Thankfulness.