Oh, and Lucky Charms for breakfast because it is St. Patrick's Day tradition.
I wish this weren't another post about depression. I wish that I were typing these words instead..... I AM HEALED! IT'S ALL GONE!
Not gonna happen today. And it's okay. No really, it is.
Last night was one of the worst nights I've had in a very, very long time. Since October, to be exact.
When a relapse starts, it feels as if I've been kidnapped. Fear and darkness grip me, and it can start anywhere, anytime. I can be standing right next to you and you wouldn't even know it has started up again if I catch on quickly enough to its sneaky ways and stuff it down.
Compulsive thoughts.
Sweaty hands.
Insanely fast heartbeat.
Dizzy.
A craving for physical pain to overcome the mental pain.
Endless thoughts of suicide.
Feeling everyone hates me.
Self-destructive behaviors.
Fear of abandonment.
Identity disturbance.
Impulsivity.
Inappropriate & intense anger.
Disassociation.
That was last night. And today. But again, it's okay.
Why?
Because it's a part of my calling in life - at least thus far. It makes me really, truly appreciate all of the things God has given me and preserved for me that I simply do not deserve.
How can I be so ugly/angry/depressing/unstable and have truly the most wonderful friends on earth? What have I done to deserve my two beautiful babies? To have a solid, consistent husband that never wavers in his love for our family?
How can I look mental illness in the eyes when instead right now I can look directly into the heart of Jesus? And a million other pretty things?
In the midst of this early Spring, I have started to really enjoy living in Sacramento. I realize how good it is for me. How it is healthy for me to be here, even at times when I don't want to be.
I love that there's a frozen yogurt shop wherever I roam.
I love that I can go swimming in March.
I love the community - we have so many charity events from 5Ks to galas that we're invited to.
I love that my children were accepted to a charter school with free Montessori education.
I love the slower pace of life.
I love that people smile at each other.
I love my son's t-ball team.
I love how all of our favorite restaurants are not chains or carbon copies of just another location.
I love how there's much less traffic than back at home.
I love the drive to support small business and local farmers.
I love the horses my kids give sugar cubes to on the way to school sometimes.
I love there's a nature preserve in the backyard of Sam's school.
I love my church.
I love that we have a house payment that still leaves us vacation money.
I love my husband's amazing family.
I love the grocery store clerk that remembers my kids. (in a good way!)
I love the ministry God has chosen me to direct, and how far it's come.
Yesterday was a hard day. Today is a VERY hard day. But there is absolutely no reason to despair.
One of the hardest things about this battle is that it's sooooooooo verrrrrrryyyyyy loooonnnng.
I've opened up more as of late, but those who I've opened up to awhile ago (and thank you for being a part of that exclusive club, I know it's not easy) - their reactions change. They will tell you to "do better," or "try harder." It's their reaction because it's not their battle and they have no clue how hard you're trying. I'm glad they don't know.
I'm glad they haven't walked away from this impossible-to-love girl.
It's hardest to ask for prayer when your drama becomes "normal" to others. You are trying to slay this stubbornly fierce dragon, and just because people have learned the appropriate automated responses to your hysteria doesn't make the battle any less scary than it was the first time they heard about it.
That's why I make lists of the things I love. You can too, if you have darkness sitting on your shoulder, waiting to devour you whole. People help. Lists help. A healthy dose of determination helps.
Also, Jesus helps. More than anything, Jesus helps.
My kids will probably eat french fries for dinner again tonight. My circumstances have not changed in the past 24 hours. But it's okay. Jesus knows I'm changing, even when it's slow going. And HE never changes, no matter how much I fear He will.
Let's not give up today.
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