If someone is upset with me, they hate me.
If something doesn't turn out right, it was all wrong.
If someone criticizes me, I can't do anything right.
If something cannot be immediately accomplished, then it will never be completed.
Black and white thinking is something that's very dangerous, especially for women. It's been the downfall of my entire life, and one thing I've loved over the past several months is God revealing to me all of these wonderful shades of grey I never knew existed before.
If someone is upset with me, it doesn't mean that God is.
If something doesn't turn out right, there are still usually a lot of valuable things about it.
If someone criticizes me, it's a chance to grow.
If something cannot be immediately accomplished, then there's a different path toward it - or else a path toward something even better.
This is the longest stretch of time I can ever recall where I've consistently felt God's love. I know that such a statement as God not loving me is ludicrous coming out of the mouth of someone who directs a ministry, but it is something I've always struggled with. It's something I've written often about, because it is always something I have to overcome. Every single day, I need to make the conscious decision to climb over my temptation of self-destruction and choose to accept Christ's gift all over again.
I live in a very fickle world - I write professionally, where editors change their minds on a whim and publications often survive about as long as a California winter. I direct a creative arts ministry, where right-brained people often seem to pick and choose the things they don't like about our structure, my leadership, and sometimes just me in general. I grew up unconditionally loved under a heck of a lot of conditions, and I am, by nature, fearful, self-loathing and critical. I'm also ferociously loyal - to those I love, but also to my own distrust toward life.
This is all why I feel so grateful for the past several months, where I've really felt free to be myself. And to learn that "myself" is actually not all that awful. I've seen God prune in areas of my heart that had been choked up by weeds long enough, and also I've found myself realizing how hard I actually had to work to remain a person who doesn't trust and only loves to a point. It's quite an exhausting commitment, honestly.
Over the past couple of months specifically, those shades of grey have transformed into brilliant colors. I can laugh without worrying about how stupid my face looks. I can hang out with friends, or not hang out with friends - I am no longer afraid to be alone with myself. I've seen a lot less of people that have proven to be toxic, and I can find that balance between acting selfishly and acting smartly.
I'm no longer waking up in the morning and consuming emotional arsenic for breakfast.
These vibrant bursts of color into my life have been incredibly encouraging, and while I'm not sure if my perception of reality was more accurate then or now - I am definitely enjoying the now so much more.
I've gotten really into bible journaling lately. Maybe I'm just late to the party, but it's a fairly new concept to me. It isn't writing in a journal after reading or hearing a sermon - that's something I've done forever....it's actually writing/drawing IN the bible.
I've been craving the return to a regular bible. I know that's terribly vintage of me, but I'm tired of phone bibles. The word of God (at least to me right now), deserves more than to be nestled between my Pinterest and Facebook apps. I don't want a text message notification to pop up over the scripture I'm reading, attention whoring its way to the center of my focus. I'm over it. I'm done. I want to feel the pages, curl up with an actual book, literally hold the word of God without having to worry about its battery life.
And I want to create.
For the first time in my entire life, I feel free to learn every nook and cranny of God's character. No one in my life has permission any longer to tell me that I'm not good enough to kneel before my Savior, and God is always present to work me through the flaws I do in fact continue to carry.
I am, in fact, one of those tragically vicious right-brained people I fear in my ministry. If I'm doodling or taking notes, it means I'm listening. If I'm journaling during prayer or worship, it means I'm fully engaged. That might be strange, but it works for me, and the discovery of this awesome, amazing bible journaling concept has taken God's word and transformed it for me in a way that when times get difficult again (and I know they will!), I can look back and physically see the colors of love, peace, hope and....the most rare of all....JOY.
God pulled me in further recently, and placed a special mission on my heart. It's not something big. It's not going to change the world. It doesn't involve a budget or business plan, and it won't require anyone to sign a commitment contract or go through a volunteer training.....it's pretty simple, really.
God has instructed me to color the crap out of this bible - to be completely free and vibrant in what He speaks and what He calls me to create.....
...and then give it to my daughter.
My feisty, blue-eyed, crazy curly-haired Charlotte June. This girl exhausts me. She's always stuck to me like glue. She is a big reason why I've slowed down my ministry commitments as of late. Sam loves to be at the studio - Charlotte loves to be the center of my world.
I pray daily that God will be the center of hers someday. That beyond Sunday School lessons and watching mommy speak at touring events....beyond reading to her about Noah's Ark and why we celebrate Easter......that the gospel will one day be so colorfully clear to her. That she will ALWAYS know God's love for her - and she will never allow anyone to cause her to doubt it.
When storms come, and she feels like walking away from everything, that she will remain in the comfort of His love.
I know that's a very lofty prayer. It's one that I'm still praying for and committing to for myself as well. But, what I do know is that one day I can give her this bible full of brilliant colors and words that God promised to give to generations, and I hope that it will grip her in the same way God's love now grips me.
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