As always, my Father is full of surprises.
I used to never, ever cry in church. Then I leveled up at some point and transformed into a regularly sobbing basketcase. 100% of the time the tears came because I was hurt about something. Something wasn't fair. Something had wounded me. I couldn't feel or hear God, blah dee blah blah.
Today I cried for a different reason that I did not expect.
Gossip seems to be a frequent topic in life lately - and really, when is it not an issue in a girl's life? I've always been gossiped about. True things, false things, shaming things - I could lay out a map of my life thus far with road markers as to where along the path girls have said cutting and destructive things about me.
Any female could do this. I don't get a medal or anything for surviving something as commonplace as breathing.
Girls are incredibly mean to each other.
Frank has regularly expressed his fascination with just how horrible girls can be with each other. We are often so busy judging, comparing, and talking that we've hardly taken the time to notice guys don't act like vultures.
Like, at all.
I've always rather prided myself in the fact I don't gossip. And in fact, I fully planned to come to God this morning asking him to heal a wound that was recently inflicted upon me through gossip.
Then God set me straight.
I'm a chronic user of the phrase, "it's not gossip if I'd say it to the person's face. And I would."
Somehow I've taken pride in this bold, confrontational spirit of mine. Just because I can (wrongly) claim it isn't gossip because I would gladly deliver the opinion face-to-face, is that really any better?
Better are the wounds of a friend than the kisses of the enemy....but really, does there need to be injury at all?
The tears started majorly flowing today when I set out to pray for a way to feel better because of someone else's unfair actions, and instead I was taken by the realization that there are very likely (um, make that definitely) people within the city limits somewhere who are seeking out healing from mine.
Gossip isn't always whispering in corners to your closest confidante.
Sometimes it's complaining to a spiritual leader, authority figure, etc. under the guise of "concern," but really it's just straight up complaining.
It can be those "I'm just venting" moments that end up making the listener feel trapped into hearing your unsolicited opinion.
It's hitting out at someone but veiling it with the "I would say it to their face" disclaimer, even though you know that just because you would, it doesn't mean you should say it. Not to their face, behind their back or beside them standing on your head, propped up by your supposed good intentions.
I have been gossiped about. I've been torn down. And I am not an innocent. I myself am wretched in the way I treat other girls. I run a ministry where I work hard to provide a safe, non-judgmental
environment, and then I'm throwing stones all over my own glass house.
I go to church with amazing, intelligent, capable, beautiful women. I am friends with strong, worthy ladies. I minister alongside and to girls who need to be reminded that in God's eyes they are princesses, not peasants.
Realizing this does not take away the sting of others' actions. It doesn't stop people from gossiping about me. It won't change the course of female humanity. We're probably always going to be pretty mean and horrible.
But I was definitely surprised today when I set out to pray and God told me loud and clear to Shut. My. Mouth.
He's done with the whole tough girl "I don't care" act. It hurts when people don't like me, but it hurts God more when I don't like others or when I decide to "not gossip" about them in order to prove I'm strong.
He's done with the deal I have with the devil to never, ever trust. I have wonderful, honest, consistent people in my life and I've all but called them flat out miserable liars because of the actions of people they've never even met.
He's done with my complaining. I have SO. MUCH.
He didn't give me the ability to walk so I could just wade around in past hurts and behaviors.
He didn't give me the ability to speak so I could emotionally shank other girls.
He didn't give me my sight so I could only compare myself to others.
He didn't give me my hearing so I could listen to the tearing down of others in my presence.
He didn't give me a home so I could be cozy and comfortable while "venting" on the phone in the same room with my very aware little children.
Do I gossip? No. I don't. Not usually by technical standards.
But really, is a word necessary to define actions that won't ever make a dent in a world that needs to be transformed?
I've been wrong. I've been closed off. I've been callous. I've been hurting.
But from now on Id better only be crying in church because God has made my heart such a squishy, glittery mess of compassion and encouragement.
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