Grateful for the Sunset of Summer

I jumped into a lake today and wasn't afraid. It sounds stupid, but in my heart it's important. When I was younger I was thrown in a lake to "learn how to swim" by a caregiver who was too impatient to deal with a fearful child. I don't remember how close I came to actually drowning before it became clear to said individual that I wasnt an animal who would magically discover its instinctual swimming ability through immersion. 

I'm sure it was hardly dangerous. But it instantly became another fear related to summer - I've been terrified of deep non-swimming pool water ever since. I won't swim in lakes or the ocean. 

I usually tell people it's because of all the fish poop and/or whale sperm....because seriously - gross. But it's mostly because I'm deathly afraid of not being able to touch the bottom. 

Summer is, by all logical terms, over. But since there are still technically a few good weeks left, we jumped right back into travel mode the day after our cruise and went camping with our church family. 

Which is where I was dared to take a flying leap off a boat dock. 

I told someone about it, and their response was, "What are you, 12?" 

That stung, because I do definitely have a lot of "growing up" to do in terms of learning who I am, who God gives me permission to be, etc. And I need these little victories to keep moving forward and away from the big hurts. 

It was a good dare to accept. It checked the final summer-related fear off my list. 

✅ feel grass against my skin without panic

✅ stare down a dragonfly *shudder*

✅ enjoy my birthday 

✅ be happy on 4th of July 

✅ sleep with the window open 

✅ swim where I can't touch the bottom 

These are all really stupid goals, but they are all precious to me because it means that if only for a little while, I am winning some of these battles. I've faced down fear this summer, even if it still sticks around - it's beginning to grow a little afraid of me. 

I have a long way to go, but little by little I think I'm getting there. 

Fear does not have to rule me. It's gotten too much of my life already and it does not deserve another single day. 

When we were on the cruise earlier this week, a lady in a crowd we passed by sighed happily and exclaimed, "Life is awesome!" 

She's right. It is. It's terrifying and difficult and hard to navigate through after bad things happen. But we can all be strong and all find those little moments and victories that make it awesome. 

Here's to the final "official" days of summer - I'm not exactly  winning, but I don't think I'm going to lose just yet either.