Don't Give Pain 9 Lives

Yesterday before church, our neighbor who lives in the "house behind but not directly behind us" knocked on our door. He asked if we have a cat, and when we said no, he informed us that a feral cat had had kittens in our backyard and they were running back and forth between our two homes through a hole in the fence. 

"And I HATE cats." he grumbled. 

So he and Frank repaired the fence yesterday afternoon, and this morning we found the kittens. 

Our backyard is huge, but super neglected because we all singe instantly in the sun. We are Caucasian to the extreme. This, we tend to not be outdoorsy.  For this reason, a few years ago our yard apparently became the ideal setting for a feline brothel. We've heard the mating yowls in the early spring - definitely not the most pleasant sound to fall asleep to....but we always figured they were using us more as a cheap motel than as a maternity ward. 

This morning Frank found the kittens without mama and made the unfortunate mistake of telling me. I'm not an animal person. I love other people's pets, I like watching YouTube videos of animal hijinks, etc - but that's pretty much it. However when I am confronted with something cute and furry, I forget all this and become just like [insert name of passionate animal lover here]. 

So naturally, I run outside, immediately spot a kitten and scoop it up. 

Because really?!?! So sweet, right??? 

The kitten instantly turned into a ferocious tiger and clawed the heck out of me. 

"Why did you do that?" Frank asked in his classic emotionally-stable-and-never-surprised tone that drives me crazy. 

"It's so cute and fluffy! And owwww!" The kitten got a good dig into my forearm and I instinctively tossed it up into the air. It landed on the fence like one of those toy sticky hands the kids love. 

Splat. 

Blood is running down my arm, but who cares, right? Look at how fluffy! 

"Come here, kitty! Come on!" 

Frank cuts off the fun by telling me to call animal control. He's clearly allergic to fun.

I do, but since cell phones are awesome, I also simultaneously gather the children and bring them out to see the kittens first. Frank still isn't convinced that a feral kitten makes a suitable companion - I am convinced I can tame it with love and time - with the soundtrack from a mediocre Disney film playing in the background. 

Animal control tells us they won't take the cats because they are a "free roaming animal" and can go where they please. (Poor dogs! Because clearly that's not fair.) 

"Oh bummer! Animal control won't take them! I guess we have a kitten! Four kittens! What! Happy Labor Day, woo!" 

Frank hands me a box and begrudgingly I help catch kittens and bring the box into the front yard and the kids help me release them.

 They are climbing in the trees right now out front, mewing for their mama.  

I've been attempting to experience God more in the little everyday things. The kittens definitely revealed a bit of a lesson to me. 

I hold on to things that are bad. 

The bad things that have happened aren't my fault. But the way I choose to react to them after a certain point definitely can be. 

Sometimes there are sins in our lives that we hang on to. We grab at them even though we know they will hurt us and fight us and bring chaos into our lives. 

Why do we do this? Why do I do this? Is it possible to get so comfortable with something that flat out emotionally tortures you, that you hang onto it nonetheless because at least you know how to deal with it? That the unknown and the letting go process is so foreign and intimidating that we'd rather live sick instead of healthy? 

Just as my instinct was to grab that sweet kitten that immediately proceeded to mess me up, I find myself still grasping for those who hurt me. And the behaviors and thought patterns that hinder me. Because it's been my home for as long as I can recall. 

It's scary to trust new friendships. It's depressing to realize the world as you used to know it is completely gone. 

But it's also a relief once you finally let go. 

I've been like a cat - angry because I'm afraid, hurtful because I can't trust, suspicious because I've been grabbed at and stolen from. 

Now I'd like to be whatever God intends. I don't want to give nine lives to the struggles I face. I need to release them daily and smile as they run away so they don't even consider returning. 

But gosh, the kittens were cute today. 

And I'm not the only one who thought so....