Visions of Dancers....Dancing in More Space!

So first of all, my vow to blog daily has once again proven to be a big fat lie. But also, I haven't written as intently because I've been BUSY.

First, my baby started first grade. Little jerk. I know we've discussed this whole growing up idea he has, and he keeps denying my requests to stay little.

His biggest fan is not adjusting well to him being gone all day, either.

But as Charlotte and I soldier on through our now much quieter days, I've been positively bowled over by the blessings God has brought to Royal Stage. I mention it along with my children, because in a way, this ministry is my third child (or 2nd, if you wish, since it's older than our daughter).

I find my thoughts constantly wandering toward it, because this summer I had to practice surrender to Christ in a lot of areas of my life, and Royal Stage was no exception. It is the key area where I feel I truly learned to let go, and God revealed and provided some pretty interesting stuff. He gave me such a peace over being an administrator rather than a teacher. He provided incredibly stable, consistent summer camps and the opportunity for me to spend time with what is truly our best staff to date. Kids came to the Lord, teens & adults had a great time in class, at our summer showcase, at the fair, at our Tahoe retreat.....life has been good.

Then we had Willy Wonka auditions. And thirty children signed up to come. I prayed for God to just give us 15, and he decided to be all big stuff and bring us double that! Then, we had call backs, and word got around we were allowing kids who missed Monday's audition to come to audition on Thursday, and we got MORE kids. The terror in Jessica's face was awesome as we realized our little ministry was going to have a cast of almost 40 children.

Now....the new challenge begins. Between all these kids, all of our regular child/adult classes, our touring co rehearsals, our outreaches, our subletters that help pay our monthly rent, and demands for further growth.....our little studio that seemed so huge two years ago when we moved in is bursting at the seams. We have zero storage space, the classes compete for sound and floor time, our landlord sees a continual stream of people come to the studio and so continuously demands more rent and attempts to break our lease.

The truth of the matter is though, we have more kids and teens on scholarship than ever before. We have more people seeking real relationship and an alternative to the typical cutthroat performing arts world than we've ever experienced.

We are sardines.

So my big prayer request for today is for options. We have a building that's perfect for us in limbo, because we have to raise an additional $2000/mo in financial support. We are a non-profit, we are missionaries albeit unconventionally so. Many within our Royal Stage family cannot pay for the facilities and time they use, because at the end of the day that is not why we exist - we are there to serve people as a church or non-profit would, but have this added twist of the same expenses without a regular weekly congregation.

So please be in prayer for us - I know God will provide the extra donors - I mean, at $25/mo, it's only 80 new supporters. No big deal, right? Yikes.

Yeah pray. My dreams are big. God's are bigger.

When I'm 63

I am not a Robin Williams fan. I mean, I am on the level of I've grown up with a ton of his movies and think he is brilliant and hilarious. I was a kid when Aladdin came out and who didn't quote the genie for weeks after seeing it? Mrs. Doubtfire and The Birdcage are both some of my favorites, and I always picture the banqueting table in heaven resembling the big table in Hook where the kids imagine what they want to eat, and poof! 

But, I am not a fan. I know nothing about Robin Williams personally, didn't know about his struggles until after he died, and I honestly just don't have much of an interest in film. I rarely watch a movie twice. I just didn't know anything about him. 

But now, I wonder. Now, I know that he struggled with devastatingly difficult depression - the illness that many people tell its victims to just shake off, to just be grateful for all they have and man up. 

Even though I am not an endorser of suicide, I do understand, 100%, what it's like to seem totally on top of the world to the average observer and yet everything is broken inside. While he was rich, famous, silly, kind, successful and loved.....I completely understand why he did what he did. 

I have a very long time until I'm 63. But I do wonder what I will be like when I reach that age. When I've had three more decades under my belt of fighting this incessant, evil reality of mental illness. Because I'll be honest - I'm in my early 30s and I'm already exhausted from it.

It's an intense punishment to have a disorder (or in both my case and Robin Williams' case, a combination of conditions. It's very rare when a mental illness works alone), that leaves you looking completely healthy on the outside. 

Well-meaning people whose brains produce the correct combination of chemicals try their best to understand. And they should continue to do so - but the truth of the matter is, they just don't understand how ravenous depression and anxiety can be. We come off as whiners, the weak stragglers of the herd, ungrateful, a waste. 

Those who DO deal with mental illness rarely reach out to each other, because one of the key tactics depression uses against us is telling us that we are the only one who feels this way. 

What Robin Williams did was stupid, selfish and wrong. But I get why he did it, and it's okay that he did. Because depression lies. And he likely saw it as truth. Just how enough cupcakes can eradicate a diabetic from the earth, depression displays its final deception by compelling its victims to take their own life. 

"You are worthless. You are alone. You're going to die. And best of all, you are going to be the one who does it. Because what better way for me to remain elusive and misunderstood, than to have you die at your own hand?"

If there is someone in your life who is struggling with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, OCD, whatever........please love them unconditionally. Fight for their value when they cannot. It's really difficult - you'll want to give up on them - but don't. Answering that call at 3am or coming over on a minute's notice, or calling 911 even if you think they're only making idle threats.....it is a huge inconvenience...but it's important. 

I'm not a fan of Robin Williams. But this definitely could've turned out differently. I hope that in the wake of his choice, (and it really cannot fairly be considered HIS choice anyhow), people will take the time to encourage those on the front lines of this battle against the mind. That you will take a moment today to find someone on your Facebook list or perhaps in your neighboring cube at work - and remind them that they are strong. They are loved. They are NOT the only one. And God loves them so incredibly much, despite the fact they may never be able to feel that love here on earth. 

Praise From the Middle

I am a fighter. 

I am perpetually kicking and screaming about something. When I was little I headed up an intense campaign against my Catholic school's uniform policy that didn't allow hot pink shoelaces. As a teenager, I fought EVERYTHING - particular kids in the halls, well-meaning teachers, my family, my faith - everything. I was so incredibly angry. 

When I became a Christian, some of the anger dissipated - but looking at my life and experiences, I found myself being terrified of God. I've mentioned this a lot. Daily I need to wake up and pray against the lethal combination of being angry at my past combined with fearing God in an unhealthy way. It destroys me. 

People will tell me all the time how it's understandable - how key people in my life behaved badly and it's no wonder I feel the way I do about certain things. And, because I hate being out of control and hate having people tell me what to think or feel, I have gotten into the habit of blaming myself for everything. 

These days, I've purged the majority of toxic relationships from my life (or rather, some of them have purged me) and I don't have anyone to fight - except myself and God. 

Why does she get this amazing testimony, God?! When I've asked this "thorn in my flesh" to be removed for as long as I can remember? 

Why does that person get a remarkable  just-add-faith instant healing and I am still over here sinking? 

Why do you send people to encourage me, but their encouragement is always telling me to "fight," when I've been fighting for so long that my spirit is perpetually exhausted? 

Even though I'm very wordy myself, it is really difficult for me to pray for an extended time or pay attention to a long conversation - and I love that God knows this and speaks to me in pictures. 

The other night he gave me a mental image of a huge tree strongly rooted in the middle of the ocean. The sea was raging and the leaves were blowing everywhere, but the center branches were strong and sturdy. On each branch there was a section of what makes up my heart - my marriage/kids, my ministry, my work, etc. 

They were absolutely still and safe. The storm roared, and the branches held strong. And very clearly I knew that God doesn't want me to wait for the storm to pass before I believe confidently in His love for me or my ability to do things. 

I'm so sorry God, I shouldn't have this ministry that's thriving, because I am so broken and I am messing it all up. 

No Tam, that's WHY you need to do it. I love to use pieces just as much as I love to use whole hearts. 

Oh. 

God is capable of daily healings and sudden miraculous transformations. He can make the lame walk and the blind see whenever the heck he wants to. 

Others....and I'm pretty sure I'm on this team....He wants to glorify Him through the process. To boldly agree that even when we are stuck in the middle of something seemingly forever, that does not change God's goodness or God's love. 

I'm so happy I've been chosen to serve Him despite being a terminal work in progress. 

Getting Rid of Paul

There has been a fly in my car since Monday. We've named him Paul. 

Paul is the most annoying thing on earth. We are constantly tempting him with open windows shouting "Go away Paul! Get out of here!" And yet somehow he's bonded to us. 

I thought at first Paul was sticking around for the grape soda Sam spilled in he backseat, because really, what fly wouldn't? But I completely cleaned, shampooed and vacuumed my car yesterday morning and Paul is still with us. 

I've had approximately 50 close calls while driving, almost rear ending someone or not noticing a light change because I have become so obsessed with getting rid of Paul. Opening and shutting the windows, trying to freeze him out with the a/c, swatting at him, trying to crush him with my phone case....whenever I'm on the road, all attention goes to Paul. I hate him. He flies in my face, lands on my daughter and makes her scream, landed on top of my lip gloss....Paul has got to go.

And suddenly, uh oh....here comes one of those life metaphors. As Paul was perched on my steering wheel, (I've given up on freeing him and have decided we're just gonna have to starve him out), - I looked him in the eyes (figuratively, because he's fly sized) and told him, "Paul, you are my past! You are the enemy in my life! You are what's holding me back!" 

It probably wasn't fair of me to place so much blame on little Paul's shoulders -wings- whatever......but he really got me thinking.....

There is a constant presence in my life that I'm allowing. Despite all of the great, wonderful things God has provided me, I can't help but focus on this mundane nuisance from years past. It distracts me, constantly grabs at my attention and continuously almost lands me in relational wrecks because I'm letting it have so much power over me. It's like I can't enjoy life with it around, but I don't know how to make it go away so I have given up and befriended it. I hate it, but at least I know what to expect from it. 

There are a lot of great things trying to get into my heart, but all the doors and windows are closed up tightly. I'm the only one who can let them in - God has given me that choice. The greatest people I know can't do it for me. 

This week I will be focusing strongly on the Pauls in my life that aim to last much longer than my little insect co-pilot. I will be focusing strongly on showing them a way out and away from my heart. 

I'm on a great road - I don't want to veer, wreck, or turn back. 

Dear Little Strong One

Charlotte June, being your mother is an uphill battle sometimes. You know what you want out of life and consider yourself quite good at getting it. Mommy & Daddy don't let you win, and so you waste a lot of playtime screaming and crying - but I know in the end (if we survive to see it), it will be worth it because you'll be a strong, confident woman of God who won't be pushed around and can handle whatever adversity comes your way. 

Today was your last ballet class of the summer, and as far as I'm concerned, your last ballet class ever. Can you announce your retirement at three years old? 

Here you are walking around the pillows, because you were told to jump over them. 

Honey badger don't care.....

Here you are moving your feet into fifth , because everyone else is in first. 

And basically not doing the dance at all in favor of playing with your space marker. 

Get in the assigned spots for the dance? What's it to you? 

You know who you are. Your heart is confident and your plans will be big. I pray you never lose that fire within....even though it may make me old and grey in the process. 

Two Weeks Remain

I got an email from Sam's school tonight reminding me in just two weeks we go to meet his first grade teacher, and the next day school begins. 

This.

Summer.

Has.

Flown.

By.

And that, above all else, is an answer to prayer. This isn't a new topic on my blog, about how summer and I don't get along and how much I was dreading it... but now we are just a couple of days away from August and all I can do is thank God.

Thankful for the incredible summer camp teachers he provided Royal Stage with, which prevented camp from being a stressful mess - both sites ran beautifully!

 

Thankful for swim dates with my kids, and Frank's job that provides daily pool access. 

Thankful for summer nights with church family - movies at Ginger's house, long talks with Ashley, the state fair with Elizabeth, endless chats with Jen, soaking up Michael's wisdom, play dates with beautiful women and their precious kids, meals together, game nights, getting closer to so many more people at church - it seems now as if it has always felt like home.

Thankful for lasting friendships from Sam's kindergarten - amazing women who have entered my life and the wonderful little friendships he's maintained this summer. 

Thankful for generous supporters of my ministry who didn't forget us over the lazy summer months. 

Thankful for the discovery of sushi burritos and the best frozen yogurt on the planet. 

Thankful for pedicures and Netflix. 

Thankful for my amazing, loving, supportive husband that encourages, provides, protects and embraces our  little family. 

Thankful for my two bright, beautiful babies who have grown so big and are so much fun. 

Thankful for the amazing health and stability of Royal Stage. Our amazing time in Tahoe, our touring performances, our summer collaborative, irreplaceable teachers, incredible prayer partners....

Thankful for how I've learned I feel better in the sunshine, how fun barbecues are, how much I love dusk with my bible in a hammock, how a glass of ice cold lemonade can remedy an awful lot. 

Thankful for my Jesus, and how I haven't completely healed, but healing has definitely begun. 

A Simpler Life

After a few days completely "off the grid" for personal reasons, I jumped in way too quickly this weekend. Returning to a full speed schedule right away left me frozen in my seat after a church meeting tonight. Panic. Exhaustion. 

Not God's will, you know? Here I go again with my crazy existence, and for what? It's been proven time and again that my marriage, my ministry, my relationship with my kids - they are all so much better when I can slow the heck down. 

This has been a great summer, but it's time to give into its simple form again....something I've never really experienced, since I've been burning the candle at both ends since the womb. 

I'm turning off Facebook notifications on my phone. I'll manually check it twice a day and catch up. 

I won't spend more than an hour a day reading anything on my phone, not counting my bible app, of course. 

I will remind myself that the world won't crumble if text messages aren't answered right away. 

I'm going to have more time to truly pursue God's will. To read stories to the kids in our backyard hammock. To engage in face-to-face conversations without distractions. To be healthy and whole. 

More time for what counts. 

I've spent so much time and energy trying to ensure I don't waste my life. And instead, I've forgotten to enjoy it.