I am perpetually kicking and screaming about something. When I was little I headed up an intense campaign against my Catholic school's uniform policy that didn't allow hot pink shoelaces. As a teenager, I fought EVERYTHING - particular kids in the halls, well-meaning teachers, my family, my faith - everything. I was so incredibly angry.
When I became a Christian, some of the anger dissipated - but looking at my life and experiences, I found myself being terrified of God. I've mentioned this a lot. Daily I need to wake up and pray against the lethal combination of being angry at my past combined with fearing God in an unhealthy way. It destroys me.
People will tell me all the time how it's understandable - how key people in my life behaved badly and it's no wonder I feel the way I do about certain things. And, because I hate being out of control and hate having people tell me what to think or feel, I have gotten into the habit of blaming myself for everything.
These days, I've purged the majority of toxic relationships from my life (or rather, some of them have purged me) and I don't have anyone to fight - except myself and God.
Why does she get this amazing testimony, God?! When I've asked this "thorn in my flesh" to be removed for as long as I can remember?
Why does that person get a remarkable just-add-faith instant healing and I am still over here sinking?
Why do you send people to encourage me, but their encouragement is always telling me to "fight," when I've been fighting for so long that my spirit is perpetually exhausted?
Even though I'm very wordy myself, it is really difficult for me to pray for an extended time or pay attention to a long conversation - and I love that God knows this and speaks to me in pictures.
The other night he gave me a mental image of a huge tree strongly rooted in the middle of the ocean. The sea was raging and the leaves were blowing everywhere, but the center branches were strong and sturdy. On each branch there was a section of what makes up my heart - my marriage/kids, my ministry, my work, etc.
They were absolutely still and safe. The storm roared, and the branches held strong. And very clearly I knew that God doesn't want me to wait for the storm to pass before I believe confidently in His love for me or my ability to do things.
I'm so sorry God, I shouldn't have this ministry that's thriving, because I am so broken and I am messing it all up.
No Tam, that's WHY you need to do it. I love to use pieces just as much as I love to use whole hearts.
Oh.
God is capable of daily healings and sudden miraculous transformations. He can make the lame walk and the blind see whenever the heck he wants to.
Others....and I'm pretty sure I'm on this team....He wants to glorify Him through the process. To boldly agree that even when we are stuck in the middle of something seemingly forever, that does not change God's goodness or God's love.
I'm so happy I've been chosen to serve Him despite being a terminal work in progress.
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