You've Got To Just Hold On

I haven't slept more than 5 hours total the past two nights. I didn't eat anything but a piece of bread until 7pm.  I am wide awake and exhausted. Should've been starving but wasnt hungry at all. I'm in the throes of a situation I haven't been in since college. My life is upside down.

Depression and panic attacks suck. I've lived a life of abject fear. I've experienced situations that have left me changed forever. I don't talk about them a lot with many people in my life today. You really have to give me a reason to let you in. 

But as I've closed off, the fear has returned. So now slowly I am finding the cojones to talk about it more. If I speak it out, it slowly seems to become less awful. It loses it's power. But it's hard. 

It's difficult because I am stubborn and guarded. It's tough because I just do not want to have my entire spirit torn down again by a group of people I trust. Wounds heal - but more of mine are still pretty tender - more than i realized. 

I'm a stuffer of emotions. I push them down and ignore them like a taunting bully, and now they seem to be a part of me. I breathe fear and walk around with a cage on my heart. 

The problem? I don't think God wants me to be that way. 

I asked Him to talk to me last night. It's been awhile since I've been a good listener. He gave me this verse:

Zephaniah 3:14-20

¹⁴ Sing, Daughter Zion;
    shout aloud, Israel!
Be glad and rejoice with all your heart,
    Daughter Jerusalem!
¹⁵ The Lord has taken away your punishment,
    he has turned back your enemy.
The Lord, the King of Israel, is with you;
    never again will you fear any harm.
¹⁶ On that day
    they will say to Jerusalem,
“Do not fear, Zion;
    do not let your hands hang limp.
¹⁷ The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing. He will quiet you with his love. 

Then today, a friend sent me the second half of these verses. It was a beautiful confirmation of what God has promised. 

I desire to be quieted with his love. To rejoice in Him. 

I have a long way to go before I do. But I'm praying there's a way. 

Sing a New Song

In bible study recently, we talked about singing a new song for the Lord. To bring Him fresh hearts, to really worship him, etc.

Sam.....REALLY worships.

Placed in the front row by his Sunday School teacher....singing the loudest. I am so proud. I think.

Keep on singing for Jesus, Samasaurus.

Quieted By His Love

I woke up this morning to the typical alarm clock of little voices asking for breakfast and cuddles. In the flurry of activity, a confident, gentle voice spoke to me. Not an audible voice - but more like incredibly clear thoughts I would never think in my own effort.

I'm not going to shout to the hilltops that God spoke to me. I don't know and I am not that bold. But it was clear, real and I'm writing it down for my own recollection and no one else. But if God chooses to being someone else revelation through it, then cool. 

Rest in me today. Just rest. It's okay, I won't let you fall. Turn away from the past journey. Close the door and live in freedom. Stay close to me, and you will go in the right direction. Attribute encouraging words to me, actions to me - allow me a chance to restore, heal and rejoice over you. I do not change, my love is consistent and my power is fierce. Come to me with everything. EVERYTHING. You cannot exhaust me, you cannot surprise me. Your spoken prayers and thought prayers are precious and real and heard. Walk behind, not beside. Let me lead. Have full, unabashed trust in me and don't walk into situations where I must compete for your love. And remember you never have to compete for mine. Just let go. I'm not done, and there is so much ahead. Speak life into your children, bringme into   everything, and rest as I speak life into you. 

He also brought to mind little things about people, whose memory previously only caused me pain and regret, that they had done to show love and support - a soft side to the insanity. 

I love being quieted by His love. 

I Collect Trash

I collect trash. I literally live in garbage, and I do it to myself. Did you know that about me? I hope not - but the few people who are genuinely close to me do.

I gather the packaging of former versions of myself and cling tightly to them. If I was once presented as one way, I have a tendency to tell myself that I will be labeled like that forever.

I round up everything rotten in my life. People who have hurt me, people who have called me spoiled, ruined, worthless, dangerous and risky. I hang onto those words like oxygen. Because if people I trusted think that, then it must be true, right?

I am an obsessive recycler. I try to reuse friendships that lost their ability to hold any weight long ago. I'm afraid to try anything emotionally new, because I feel so strongly about keeping and fixing what's old and already mine.

A couple of weeks ago, Frank and I both forgot to put the trash cans on the curb in time for the garbage man. Until the following Tuesday, we were shoving the new trash into the can, on top of the old. It was inconvenient, uncomfortable, stinky and distracting.

I don't want to ever again be able to compare my heart to a rotting, overflowing bag of junk.

My packaging and labels are different. And maybe, just maybe, the ones I had on prior really weren't so terrible in the first place.

My focus needs to be on God's opinion, and maybe just a few people I trust 100%. But yeah, mostly God.

Recycling is good. If I allow the Lord to transform me into something positive, healthy and usable.

I love trash day.

A Month of Gratefulness

My life is beautiful. It really is. I forget it all too often because I'm tired or frustrated or am being clobbered by hindsight. Someone I adore told me to write down things I'm grateful for each night during this month. 

I need to catch up. Before she punches me. And she will. 

June 1 - grateful for a peaceful, calm time with my parents. My dad's relaxed joy where usually things are a little nuts. Sam playing incredibly at his last t-ball game - so proud of his big hit and great teamwork. Getting to spontaneously go on a sushi date while Karen watched the kids. 

June 2 - The kids sang in church - so precious! Church BBQ - fun to talk to people, further friendships and watch The kids have so much fun in the water. Jealous I'm too old to acceptably run around in a swimsuit. Great leadership meeting at RS. New beginnings, best people we've ever had. 

June 3 - Got to take a NAP! :) New RS sign-ups, summer classes began. Awesome new teachers and the return of some favorites. Loved seeing the new younger girls who came in all wide-eyed and excited for singing class. 

June 4 - Chinese food for lunch (fave!!) and got the house to cleanish status. Got to bake with my sweet Sam. Was reminded that there are people who will fight for me and want me to be happy. Ended the day cracking up laughing with great people that I didn't even know existed a year ago. 

Just thankful <3 even in the depths....thankful. 

June 4.

I remember exactly where I was on June 4 three years ago.

I remember exactly where I was in June several years ago, too. 

It seems rather unfair that a person's life should end twice, during the same month, for completely different reasons under drastically different circumstance - and both feel just as crappy 

It completely sucks when that "joy comes in the morning" saying turns out to be complete BS. 

The real kicker is that the people involved - the ones who stripped my life of trust, security and any smidgen of self-respect won't even think about me today. Or what happened. Or what continues to happen for me every single day. Trauma is the gift that keeps on giving, and those responsible get to play on in their Disneylandish existence with no consequence. 

I try to remember that vengeance is the Lord's, and one day He will smack down his wrath. Hard. But then I remember that I am a sinner too, and am in an equal amount of hot water with the Lord Almighty, and my revenge dreams aren't so fun anymore. 

There are things in my life I just can't get back. But, on the bright side, there are things that no one can take away. Let's focus on those things. God's total, unconditional love. The incredible opportunity to raise two amazing little people who seem to be second to Christ in their capability to love regardless of circumstance. The perfect song coming on the radio at the perfect time, when you have just enough minutes left on your drive to listen to it. Dance. Bubble baths. Unlikely conversations with strangers and the choice (and it's always there, even when it's hard to see) to be kind. 

And pie a la mode.

Have you ever thought about what those words really mean? Sure, we know it as ice cream on top of pie. But dig deeper. It means we get to have TWO desserts - ice cream AND pie, without being judged. It's 100% acceptable to have both, please. If you were to have a slice of cake and pie - glutton. Cheesecake and a sundae? Disgusting. Ice cream on a warm piece of peach pie - get a glimpse of heaven, people. 

June 4 can be okay after all. I guess. As long as there's pie. 

Stealing June

Seasonal affective disorder? Sacramento affective disorder? Just plain old-fashioned sad? Contrary to most people, summer just sticks me down in the dumps. I love autumn, and spring is just stinkin' adorable. But summer. We are not friends. 

I don't hold grudges, but I do tend to make monuments out of moments - and summer is the time where some of the most uncomfortable of moments in my life were formed. Triggers hide in random corners of the day, pounding down onto me until I cannot uphold their weight for a second longer. I wish so desperately I had one of those shake it off personalities, but I just don't. 

When the weather warms, my anxiety comes out to play. Panic attacks that grip me and choke hold of my life, and then leave miles of deep depression in its wake. I pray, I write, I think about it too much during the process of trying not to think about it at all. 

Summer sucks. But I know in times of pain and remembrance, God is just as good as he is during other times of the year when my past doesn't so easily dictate my day. 

I love Exodus 14. Poor Moses. Talk about some stressful leadership.... But God says "why are you crying out to me? Just move forward in faith!" 

Why do I cry out? Why do i remember and fear these long, slow days? How long will I convince myself I'm satisfied in the desert when I know God has given me faith as large as a mighty sea?

   ...the God who builds a road right through the ocean,
    who carves a path through pounding waves,
The God who summons horses and chariots and armies—
    they lie down and then can’t get up;
    they’re snuffed out like so many candles:
“Forget about what’s happened;
    don’t keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.
    It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?
There it is! I’m making a road through the desert....   Isaiah 43:18(MSG)