So Here's What Happened: Christmas Cards 101

I love Christmas cards. So much. The only time I even give a rip about the mail is between Thanksgiving and New Year's. I don't even have a mail key - I wait until Frank gets home from work and then pounce on him for the day's delivery, tossing the bills back at him while shamelessly getting my festive fix.

Of course, one of the most popular types of holiday greetings are designed online and include printed photos of families more adorable than a puppy in a pool of noodles. It's our one shot a year to fool everyone into believing we truly do live out our Pinterest boards.

I'm not judging. Our cards this year feature our young children decked out in seasonal duds, cheesy smiles, poorly chosen props and all. Which is why I feel it's safe to say, online photo card companies, you're doing it wrong.

Here are some examples I found tonight while ordering our cards, and I feel I must say something (OK, a lot of things) in defense of our Savior's birth. I mean it's The birthday of the savior of the world! Can we at least be decent enough citizens on earth to pull off this greeting card facade effectively?

First, we have the Christmas photo cropping disaster of '14. You're not selling it to me, Walgreens.....

What exactly is this gorgeous Latino family doing with this very Caucasian child? And who coordinates their outfits for a "candid" karaoke sesh?

Unfortunate wording choice when your holiday photo is a bikini-clad you....

She cropped him out of the photo because she specifically asked for the five golden rings for Christmas, not the stupid partridge.

The man in this photo has never gone ice skating, and didn't start the day this photo was taken, either.

"I'm single, so I'm going to go with the ambiguous 'Happy Holidays' so as to not discriminate against potential suitors of diverse faith who may discover me on a friend's fridge."

The monogram thing is great, especially if you have a surname that begins with A. Because that means you're winning. When I got married, I got kicked down to W. Sad story.

It took me a good while to realize these pics are of a couple with two grown children. At first it looked like one woman with two spouses...but beyond that, what man on earth agrees to pose for the candid romantically-staring-out-into-oblivion photo, the head-to-head cutesy pukey photo and the open-mouthed pretending-to-laugh-at-something photo all in a single day? Find him for me!

Hey, hey, hey - watch that hand placement, mister. Merry Christmas from the PDAs.

This family paid extra postage to make room for the Hipster Christmas tree graphic.

World peace, one religiously-blurred, can't-we-all-just-get-along card at a time.

Joy means barbecue, kids. In December....

Screw traditional red and green! We're gonna use magenta and apple! Pantone, take note.

Solution for those family members you stopped speaking to this year, but had already counted on to complete your Christmas card photo layout. Awkward.

Rejoice! The youngest Taylor family member has experienced her first awkward angle shot. Many more to come, my young female friend.

She looks like her mother. She looks like her father. She looks like Svergne Script font.

Frozen Christmas cards?!?! Come on, people! Let. It. Go.

I really want to send this exact Christmas card this year, just to freak out my friends. She used to have children, didn't she? Wasn't she allergic to cats? What does it meannnnn?