After I was done laughing hysterically and picked myself up off the floor....okay not really....
....in reality the conversation sort of awkwardly ended and I was left wanting to say 4 words.
We are all liars.
I am blessed. It would be impossible to look at anyone's life and deny some sort of blessing, and beyond that I know my life in particular is filled to the brim with them.
But if anyone sees any part of my life and considers me blessed, they should know a little secret:
I am terrified of God.
I've mentioned this before and I'm getting better with it, but at the end of the day I have a long history of believing that God is unhappy with me, that He often turns away from me and that I likely will not go to Heaven because somehow I must be doing it wrong. I am not one of those Christians that revels in the freedom of God's unconditional saving grace. I am more the type that clings to it so tightly - out of abject fear of losing it - that I choke out of it any meaning or value and instead blanket it in fear and insecurity.
"God listens to you and talks to you..."
True. But it seems to be the exception, not the rule. And the real kicker is....the scarcity of grace is completely my fault .
In bible study this week my pastor talked about having a "garage sale" love for Christ. At a garage sale you are ridding yourself of things not really very valuable and expecting to be rewarded with payment. Well hello, perfect analogy of Tam's faith in God! Isn't that sad? And perhaps that's why I'm being open and honest - I'm giving away for the first time something expensive - my reputation as a ministry leader and a confession that sometimes, (okay most of the time) - I shut God up before He is able to speak with me because I have limits on what I'm willing to give on my end.
Today I looked at a glass of water on a table, filled about an eighth of the way. Still, stale, room temperature water from that morning that would be far from satisfying if I opted to drink it just then.
I got a picture in my head of that glass filling up and overflowing with fresh, cool water instead. I know that the reality of the glass is how I speak to God -I limit my prayers, I tell Him what I think He wants to hear, careful not to take up too much time. He gets the residue of my heart and I expect to be refreshed. And , not surprisingly, I am often sorely disappointed .
So does God speak to me? Oh probably. But more importantly,
Why don't I speak to Him?
Because I'm scared .
I have a long history of people offering me their garage sale love.
I've been treated a lot like a yard sale deal, and honestly I've turned that into presenting myself to God as such.
I am going to stop this, and if you value yourself as much as a mismatched board game or a dusty VHS, then you should stop too.
Today after complaining to some people via text message about how unfair it all is - this whole game of coming to God and not leaving feeling any better, I just let my thoughts and fears flood my Father's ears. I went way beyond the capacity of that glass and told Him everything. And I
mean EVERYTHING.
The result surprised me.....I did not hear any life-changing revelation or anything from God. Whatever. I'm not Moses.
But what surprised me was the overwhelming reassurance that He isn't mad at me. He reminded me of things He told me at a healing prayer night, He showed me assurances in my current life that He loves me more than a deflated basketball or boxed up old clothes. He just loves me.
He isn't mad. Not with the human anger that I always fear. He's mad at the things that keep me from him, which is exactly why I had to hand them all over to Him.
So, if you're struggling with fear or talking to God today, just let it go. Spill your guts, even if it's scary.
Because God deserves more than your garage sale love and He certainly wants to give you love beyond that.
You're like the most expensive item at Tiffany's, baby.
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