Safe Place

I didn't want to go to bible study tonight. It's usually my favorite part of the week, and I just found out the church is open prior for prayer. I know this doesn't sound like an exciting evening for most of you who read my blog, but for me, I selfishly love Wednesday nights because I go by myself and am guaranteed at least an hour of calm and quiet, which my life distinctly lacks.

Tonight was a scheduling circus, and I had to bring both kids and didn't know what to make for dinner, and thoughts were swimming in my head that just tempted me to be away from church tonight. But I sucked it up and went, asked a friend there to watch the kids while I went to prayer, and then bible study as usual.

Going to prayer tonight was challenging for two reasons:

1) Sometimes I really struggle to talk transparently to God
2) I am a really bad listener

I went into prayer planning to ask God to help my best friend through some rough stuff, to help me with Royal Stage this or that, to continue to protect Sam's little heart at Kindergarten, etc. But when I got in there and sat down, my entire agenda changed.

I got things right with God and then just told Him I wanted to hear Him. That I would try my best to listen, and that my best really isn't very good right now, but I was there.

And all the world stopped.

I heard that church is a safe place. You can call me crazy all you want but I know that was from God because I would never, ever think that on my own. I can use a thousand positive words to describe church and the pros of attending one - but I would never choose "safe." I haven't viewed church as safe for years. 

This is a safe place I've given you.

So there it was again.

You're doing well. I'm proud of you. Keep going. You're doing better than you think. You don't see yourself the way I see you. 

What? Hello. These are not my thoughts.

And that was it. I've never perceived God as a Chatty Cathy, but maybe that's all He told me because He knows that's all I could digest/believe tonight. But it stuck with me. All through bible study as I sat with friends I didn't have six months ago, but now can't imagine life without. As I picked up my kids from the children's room where they were gleefully happy and interacting with adult volunteers that spent the night loving them.

Safe.

I thought about how I was able to text someone earlier that night about how something she said frustrated me - and that the fact I responded sassy was a good thing because I knew it meant I really did trust her and I didn't need to worry about her getting mad for my real response.

Church is not perfect. It's full of broken people, and anyone who has been a Christian for any amount of time has heard that cliche phrase time and again. But to believe it is a safe place again....it was like someone handed me a million bucks.