Delight of My Heart

God and I have learned to laugh together.

That may seem an odd statement, but for so many years I pictured God as someone who was just plain mad at me. God never did anything to make me feel that way - but the world did. A lot. And I did it to myself, consistently being my own worst enemy, my own worst critic.

I grew up with a father who so desperately wanted me to be pretty. Even a couple of weeks ago while I was home visiting and was wearing a brand new dress for my baby shower, he said "Well.....you look fine, I guess. You just look so.....pregnant. Can you look less....big?"

Thanks, Daddy-O, just what every 8 month pregnant lady longs to hear!

I've never had any self esteem to spare. I grew up believing to improve oneself from the outside in, and basically sucked at it.

I could share my lunch, lip gloss or life story with you - but it's truly been an uphill battle getting to love who I am. Imagine life everyday with the person you consider to be the ugliest, meanest, most annoying person on earth. That's what it felt like walking around with myself.

But the past year has really been a journey of living to laugh with God. I'm embracing my imperfections and realizing you really don't have to ever be flawless in order to be impactful.

I've gotten brave.

So now, I am relishing in God's joy. His joy in my learning His true character, and in guiding my steps as I have just experienced so much this year - and oh wow is that "experiencing" going to continue in May!

Baby C is going to be with us soon, soon, soon! And in typical insanely-scheduled fashion, I am directing a show that closes 8 days before our delivery date, and teaching dance and creative writing to 4th-12th graders at an academy until 3 days before D-day. Can we say stupid idea? But really, still so much fun and amazing.

If you can, please come see Counterclaim. I know the promotions and invitations get tedious, but I really do just love this show so much. Like I said, I got brave this year. The writing of the script is an example - I'm not afraid to make people uncomfortable or mad. I am fully charged to show them God's love.

theroyalstage.org = CHEAP tickets. Embarrassingly so. Not sure what we were thinking. Take advantage.

I love feeling loved by God. Working in ministry continues to teach me the importance of developing rhinocerous skin and a marshmallow heart. It shouldn't be any other way. And being a mommy has taught me the importance of just entering into Christ's acceptance and love with unabandoned joy.

Just like a crazy happy 2-year-old.

The Graduate!

When Sam was discharged from the NICU, we were really blessed to be eligible for developmental services for him right away. He started going to physical therapy at Jabbergym when he was 5 or 6 months old, and we also had an infant development therapist come to our house once a week.

When he turned 18 months, he also became eligible for speech therapy, and when that started, he just took off. He's had some amazing therapists work with him, and many times God has provided us with one who shares our faith. It's brought about some great friendships as we've watched these amazing women pour into our little boy's life.

Today was Sam's graduation day! He's right on target for his age, and no evidence of prematurity remains to the outside observer. We're so proud of him and how much he's grown - and we're amazingly grateful for the help he was able to receive.



I have a baby picture somewhere of him sobbing on this same swing.

Julie is a definite favorite in Sam's life

Almost ready to turn 3 and conquer the world! But first a last hug.



Diploma ;)

Half of Baby C's World

My immediate family is not an adventurous bunch. I grew up on the same street my entire life - our "big move" was the summer after Kindergarten to a bigger house on the same street. We even kept the same land line number. Roots run deep in the bay area, and I'm so grateful to continue to have amazing friends there. I've talked about them a million times before on here.

Sometimes it breaks my heart to be here when they are there, and I start to feel left out of a place I feel I still belong. But most of the time, it just brings double joy into my life, and I am grateful for both my world here in Sacramento, and my visits every few months back home to what will probably always be the comfort of familiarity.

My best friend Elisa threw me an adorable baby shower on Sunday, and it was so much fun to enjoy a small gathering of friends and family that I wish I could see every day!


Beautiful pink! Darn good thing I don't get gestational diabetes with my pregnancies....


My friend Mindy is gifted in the arena of diaper crafts :)

These were all of my bridesmaids when we got married. Now they will be C's bay area aunties.


Home <3


Aaaaaand then my sister took a picture of some guy down at the pool. I don't know.

I am so so excited to celebrate with my Sacramento friends and family in a few weeks, and then very soon we are having this baby!!!!!

How To Make a 2-Year-Old Angry

I like to consider myself to be a pretty relaxed, reasonable mom. I let Sam run around missing various articles of clothing, I let him eat raisins on the couch, and as long as it's legitimately daylight outside, he can crawl into bed with us in the morning. In return, I expect polite behavior, really simple chores, sleeping in his room all night, and lots of kisses. So far, so good!

However, as Sam inches closer to 3, there are a few things that are really starting to get under his skin apparently. You see, you'll only hear about the Terrible Twos until you have a child - then you get access into this secret society that will proceed to inform you that 2 is not that bad - it's actually THREE that you have to watch out for.

I'm beginning to believe them.

So with that being said, here is my not so exhaustive list of things that apparently really bug a 2 - almost - 3 year old.

**Not letting him drive. Seriously. The last week Sam has been devastated that when we go somewhere, he is not allowed to take the wheel. Apparently I am the meanest mother in the world for not letting him drive the car. Not even on side streets.

**Not allowing him to stick fruit snacks in his various bodily openings (nose and ear), or in other people's respective parts (which, in one horribly embarrassing incident, have gone beyond nose and ear).

**Calling us mommy and daddy. Last week, he learned that Frank and I have names that are not mommy and daddy. He was incredulous. Now occassionally, you'll hear a little voice shout "Hey Frank!" across the house, or "Tammy! I need you!" When we ask him to repeat what he just said, he gets a sheepish smile and calls us mommy and daddy again. That's right. Little man aint so bold face to face.

But, he eats his vegetables with a happy heart and talks to Jesus every night. I suppose we can work out the other things on the list :)

Facebook and the Disillusionment of Humanity

With the exception of one person, who became a close follower of Sam around his NICU time via one of his nurses, I know every single person on my facebook personally. People always give me a hard time for having as many friends on there as I do, but the truth of the matter is, I'm a church girl. I was in a sorority. (and yes, those two sentences CAN confidently stand side by side without conflicting!). I've visited over 10 foreign countries and many of those trips were ministry and outreach - working with families and organizations - not an untouchable vacation. I know a lot of people. I'm the kind of person who remembers the first and last name of every single person from Kindergarten. It just all sort of collects and makes a gorgeous mosaic of memories.

But lately, I've been wondering, is Facebook made up of more good than bad? I find myself spending more and more time filtering out my status messages and blocking pictures from certain "friends", because as I get older, I'm finding I don't necessarily want certain moments of my life displayed to the world. And yet, I love the opportunity to post for my circle of loves, who really do know me and get excited about both the poignant and mundane in my life.

Friendships change. They just do. Is it right or healthy for you to watch others' lives play out in pictures and wall posts? Do you still have that right to know everything that is going on without ever really being heart-connected to that person anymore?

I think facebook gives us some sort of disillusionment of humanity - it's easy to post a "love you" or tag someone in a photo, knowing they'll see it and there will be some sort of forced connection there. A virtual world of relationships versus the ones you can touch and actually experience.

I don't know if Facebook is right or wrong. Sometimes I love, need, and cherish those 830 friends. Sometimes I just want my husband (who is not on facebook), my son, and my Jesus.

In Hindsight You Were Always There

Debut cast of Royal Stage 2011

Well, a small corner of the world has seen Royal Stage now. We had our debut performance this weekend, and the response was pretty much incredible!

I whined and prayed to God that my biggest fear was we would not secure an audience. It was scary to do something full out without the covering of a single home church. We didn't get the luxury of dominating a foyer for 6 weeks after Sunday morning services to sell tickets and advertise. There weren't any video announcements or preview dances.

A few of the dancers spoke at their churches, but very few....and then BAM - we got over 500 people this weekend! It was amazing - someone heard about it on the radio, others found a flyer at Capezio....it just all sort of worked out and we had a great crowd and, much more importantly, a super great blessing from God.

The teens and adults in this production did fabulously, and I am so excited for our next show in May. I am so grateful for everything that happened, and all the support we received. In hindsight, I can see how God has always been there for us - and how this is truly what we should be doing.

It feels good to be so free to be joyful - the heavy burdens I felt when I ministered in other places are just totally lifted and gone. Was it perfect? No. But was it anointed and protected? Absolutely. :)

2 of the 3 Jessicas in RS

Pretty costume picture Mila took

Ballet


Sam of course wiggled his way backstage

Playing in the church we rented for the show. And um yes, I am looking VERY pregnant these days!

Brandi with her Sincere-o-Meter - my absolute favorite part of the show

"I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name."
- Rev 3:8

So excited for all that is to come!

Debut Night

Well, tonight is the moment of truth. Royal Stage is having its first ever performance, and I actually feel freakishly calm about it. Out of the wonderful world of Revelation,

"I know what you have done. See, I have opened a door in front of you that no one can shut. You only have a little strength, but you have paid attention to my word and have not denied my name." Rev 3:8

Oh, how I love this verse right now. The week of a production brings out all sorts of ugly. Frustrated people going out of their way to remind you how unhappy they are at every turn, stressed out and nervous dancers that need to be reassured, and everyone is just SO DANG TIRED.

During the last production I was a part of, Sam was a tiny little toddler. Now he's a grown-up, opinionated 2 and a half year old. He has been a rockstar with the late nights I've had to drag him through - hardly a single complaint out of his little fast food-filled mouth (ugh. I hate fast food weeks - but sometimes they are necessary). But having a very active little boy combined with a fetus is EX HAUS TING.

I have also gotten hit big time with pregnancy brain. I always thought it was a myth, but I SERIOUSLY CANNOT REMEMBER ANYTHING! My poor dancers :(

But have I mentioned how amazing the dancers and actors in this show are? I don't mean performance wise (though much of that is enjoyable as well) - but their hearts and friendships are inspiring. They remind me of Jesus at every turn.

We're having the performances at a church with a built-in theatre-calibar stage, and they have been incredibly nice to us. The lighting & sound guy is beyond professional, and he's always ready to start on time. They even assigned us Stephanie the Hostess, who is there to respond to our every whim. It's all overwhelming that God provided this space for us and so many participants our first time out. I'm so beyond grateful.

So....here we go! Jubilation tonight and tomorrow! Then, a relaxing afternoon with both our families and my best friend. Then Sunday.....you can bet your bottom dollar I am going to sleep the world away :)

Pray for us!