For as long as I can remember, I've felt fragmented.
When I first became a Christian, honestly not a lot changed. I was so wrapped up in my sin and selfishness that I was grateful for the fire insurance, but wasn't aspiring toward much else. I didn't understand what it meant to chase after God or surrender fully to Him. I was 16 years old, and wow was I angry and broken. I wanted a doctor without paying the bill, I wanted to win a race without training for it. I quickly learned how to "play without playing."
I have never enjoyed sports, and so P.E. in school was always torture. After I ran out of excuses ranging from sprained ankles to PMS, I started perfecting the whole "playing without playing" charade.
Softball - Go way, way outfield. If a ball managed to reach out there, run with enthusiasm but not fast enough to reach the ball.
Basketball - hop around intensely, and if you get the ball, immediately travel with it so you get to sit out.
Volleyball - hop around similar to basketball, strategically behind a taller person and/or someone who actually wants to play.
Swimming/Running Laps - be on your period every single Friday, September thru May.
Christianity for me has been no different. I'm a joiner. I had so much crazy in my life I was likely an easy convert. But for decades now I've played the part of a Christian with fear, disinterest and shortcuts.
I've had mountaintop experiences, and I've stayed loyal to my faith. I've done what I'm supposed to do, but Jesus, like everyone else in my world, would only come as close as I allowed.
Since October, that's been slowly changing. This morning,
I was reminded about how I want to quit playing the game.
I can't blend in behind someone taller, stronger or more capable than myself. God calls us all to a standard, and what sort of fool have I been to believe I could escape the challenge of being me to the fullest? Of being me in Christ? Of Christ living through me? However you word it, the games have ended.
Sprained ankles, cramps or brain hemorrhage...whatever happens....I am now legitimately running the race.
I know I'm a few weeks delayed in solidifying my New Years resolutions, but here they are:
1) I want to love people fully. I feel really ready to do this. I'm not afraid or worried about my heart getting hurt anymore. I want to love how Christ loved.
2) I want to slow down. I want to throw dinner parties and play Uno with Sam. I want to read nightly out of a bible with pages (and turn off my "smart" phone), and I want to have living room picnics with Charlotte.
3) I want to be fully obedient to God's call. I know what His voice sounds like now. I can no longer claim He doesn't speak to me, because He most certainly does. He speaks to anyone willing to listen.
4) I will continually rejoice that each day the past is further behind me, it hurts a little less. I will breathe easy in the realization that suddenly, out of nowhere, I can no longer remember very specific details as to what happened to me. It's fading faster the more I move forward. I will remember that fear isn't real, so how could it possibly be a suitable companion?
I don't need to wait to be whole....I never will be. And yet, in Christ I already am complete. I am clean, forgiven, set free and granted authority to get the heck out of the pit and work toward making a difference in the little corner of life I've been given.
My biggest wish was answered long ago when Jesus died on that cross.....I am whole.
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