Fight.

It's 2:23am. I am going to be so tired in the morning, but as my mind runs in circles, words need to spill out. 

I hate my brain so much. 

This, right now, is the moment of truth. 2am noise is what I've been "training" for. 

I've pinned to the depths of Pinterest. I've kept up with the Kardashians. I've read my bible (forgive me, God that it was my third choice, but to be honest, I am in 1 Chronicles ....), and here I sit. 

The next few hours before the sun comes up are a choice. 

I can freak out and drive my car out to a bridge, or I can tell myself that I know better than to compare my insides to anyone's outsides, and everything is going to be just fine. 

Some recent studies have documented that BPD brains have different patterns of activity than healthy brains (as mentally healthy as any of us are, that is.) That the brain actually forms differently when a child is exposed to trauma, or when there is already mental illness in close connections of the family line. 

I was happy to hear that modern science is finally catching up to what I've known for years. BPD brains are like rebellious summer campers. 

Oh, you are telling me to head over to the cafeteria? Clearly you must actually mean it's time to go canoeing, so I'm gonna go with that. 

But still, this is my choice. I can choose to get out of the water and walk in truth, even when I can't see it clearly. 

I represent 2% of the population. The thoughts and beliefs are often so intense, an incredibly high majority of BPDs self-mutilate. 

Upwards of 10% commit suicide. 

But that's good news, right? That means I have a 90% chance of mastering this whole feat of living healthy and happy. 

But like I said before, even though I know better, it can be hard to remember my insides cannot be compared with others' outsides. 

That look or remark didn't represent who I am as a person. 

Their lack of a return call/text isn't because they are mad at me. 

Thoughts of suicide doesn't mean I have to act on them. 

Feeling unsafe does not mean I am in danger. 

I can be in charge of my body, even though it doesn't feel like I can be. When you have surgery, your guts are still all yours even though you're too numb to really prove they are still there at the moment. Even though I cannot see or feel Truth, I can still remind myself it's still there. 

I'm the one running, not it. 

I need to remember there is a difference between being held vs. healed by God. The latter still hasn't happened. 

But what an honor still to be held by Him!  One writer described BPD as excruciating pain from the psyche. Um, true. It sucks. It sucks to constantly think that people hate you, that you are ugly and shameful, that harming your body will bring relief, that you'll never feel better again, that people who said they will be there have left you. 

That God has left you. 

But everyone has their pain, and with whom would i trade? At least with this, I know where the punches come from. 

I am not currently experiencing the above mentioned. I'm inching closer to the edge of the cliff where I can look straight down and see it all, but I'm still on top. 

I feel incredibly lonely. 

I feel very unloved/unlovable right now. 

It defies logic - I've had an amazing week. 

But this does not have to be a relapse when it can be turned into a rescue. 

This does not have to be looking back, when there is still so much more life to live ahead. 

I can choose to not care what the tyrants of my mind say to me. I can't choose to hear, but I can choose to not listen. 

If you feel tonight that you're all alone, if you're up at now 2:53am wondering where relief can be found, remember that God is there. 

I'm thankful for the opportunity to talk to him at 2am. Beat the crowds, you know? 

Many people say, “Who will show us better times?” Let your face smile on us, LORD. You have given me greater joy than those who have abundant harvests... (Psalms 4:6-7 NLT)