Against Things Dark and Scary

I should not be allowed to use technology, because I do stupid things like announce on Facebook that I'm writing a book. I didn't really think anyone would care, but I was wrong. People have been texting, emailing and asking me in person what the book is about and when it's coming out. I've been totally humbled by people's support and also completely terrified at the prospect of actually completing that final page because then it's done and it's out there and that's that. And it doesn't help one bit that so many people walk around saying they are writing books that everyone who does so now looks like a crazed idiot attempting to pass off as an intellectual. It's all kind of icky, intimidating and yet absurdly meaningful (I hope).

People are going to ask me why I am so transparent before so many. Everytime I write a deep blog, people say things like "Oh you share EVERYTHING. Why would you DO that???" I sort of laugh to myself because really, you have no idea how private I actually am. Very few people know my entire story, and that's fine. But when it comes to this, I want to break the silence in my life because it drains the power out of the pain, it hopefully encourages others struggling that they aren't alone. And that's worth it.

For as long as I can remember, I have fought against things that, in the simple words of my little five year old, are "dark and scary." 10,000 words could not describe it better than that. Literally for as long as I can remember, I've had deep bouts of depression and anxiety. I'm not talking about sitting forlorn with a cup of hot chocolate staring out into the rain. I mean "bat crap crazy I've been hospitalized twice and have scars on my body from the times I've tried to physically hurt myself in an attempt to turn down the volume on the mental freak show" depression. 

Some people who know me well have known about this for years. Some newer friends have just found out the past few months. A whole lot of you probably have no idea. I don't get some weird rush of joy and accomplishment when people find out. In fact, I feel shame and frustration over it. But I'm trying to get used to the idea of everyone knowing, because now I'm writing about it. I feel compelled to because the current selection of Christian books about mental illness suck. That's not to say my book won't suck too - But I feel I want to at least give it a shot because I'm tired of seeing self-helpers out on bookstore shelves that are written by people who have never even purchased a day pass to the hell they so confidently write about. 

For years and years I've prayed for God to heal me. I really believe He did once in college, but it was a temporary fixer - and while I didn't realize it at the time, He knew all along that I would have no choice but to battle all of this again and I have spent so much time and energy being angry about this. I realize I am totally textbook - I have a family with a huge history of mental illness, I have had "significant instances of trauma" in my life (I love how doctors sterilize words), and I am by nature terribly sensitive and introspective. In short, I am doomed. 

A few weeks ago I was on a retreat where I had a truly amazing time. I grew closer to friends, I got to spend time learning more about the Lord, laughing a ton and eating dessert at every meal. I also deliberately spent a significant amount of time alone because I really needed a chance to just hang out with God - to get away from the noise of kids, leading Royal Stage, housework, article deadlines, etc. I just needed to be with my Daddy. He told me so many things and it was incredible. 

Disappointingly, the one thing that has remained loud and clear - I asked God to take my struggle away, and I received a resounding "no." I am not sure if it was a forever no or a "not right now", but either way, no healing has come. And He is slowly encouraging me and teaching me how to be okay with that. Or rather, I'm working hard at learning to be okay with it and asking Him to continue to show me opportunities to use it for His glory instead of just being angry all the time. 

Now that I've said a whole lot of nothing, here is what I'm getting at. If you're someone who.....

• just realized it's not even 8am yet and you're so exhausted by your mind that you cannot fathom making it through the day, I completely understand. 
• you've been excited for something for weeks and now aren't even sure you're going to go to it tonight because you are so damn tired and feel so alienated, I am right there with you.
• you never get enough sleep and have felt tired for years because your mind runs marathons as your body rests, I totally get it. 
• if you have ever cut yourself, burned yourself, screamed hysterically in your car or hyperventilated into your pillow because it hurts too much to cry, you're not alone. 

A lot of people have asked me why I continue to serve God through depression, anxiety, compulsion disorders, horrible church experiences and some seriously crazy life situations. Honestly, I don't even need to think about it to give an answer. 

Because HE is good. 

Because HE loves me. 

Because HE blesses me. 

Because HE will use this for something. 

And that's more than a reason to not give up.