Against Things Dark and Scary

I should not be allowed to use technology, because I do stupid things like announce on Facebook that I'm writing a book. I didn't really think anyone would care, but I was wrong. People have been texting, emailing and asking me in person what the book is about and when it's coming out. I've been totally humbled by people's support and also completely terrified at the prospect of actually completing that final page because then it's done and it's out there and that's that. And it doesn't help one bit that so many people walk around saying they are writing books that everyone who does so now looks like a crazed idiot attempting to pass off as an intellectual. It's all kind of icky, intimidating and yet absurdly meaningful (I hope).

People are going to ask me why I am so transparent before so many. Everytime I write a deep blog, people say things like "Oh you share EVERYTHING. Why would you DO that???" I sort of laugh to myself because really, you have no idea how private I actually am. Very few people know my entire story, and that's fine. But when it comes to this, I want to break the silence in my life because it drains the power out of the pain, it hopefully encourages others struggling that they aren't alone. And that's worth it.

For as long as I can remember, I have fought against things that, in the simple words of my little five year old, are "dark and scary." 10,000 words could not describe it better than that. Literally for as long as I can remember, I've had deep bouts of depression and anxiety. I'm not talking about sitting forlorn with a cup of hot chocolate staring out into the rain. I mean "bat crap crazy I've been hospitalized twice and have scars on my body from the times I've tried to physically hurt myself in an attempt to turn down the volume on the mental freak show" depression. 

Some people who know me well have known about this for years. Some newer friends have just found out the past few months. A whole lot of you probably have no idea. I don't get some weird rush of joy and accomplishment when people find out. In fact, I feel shame and frustration over it. But I'm trying to get used to the idea of everyone knowing, because now I'm writing about it. I feel compelled to because the current selection of Christian books about mental illness suck. That's not to say my book won't suck too - But I feel I want to at least give it a shot because I'm tired of seeing self-helpers out on bookstore shelves that are written by people who have never even purchased a day pass to the hell they so confidently write about. 

For years and years I've prayed for God to heal me. I really believe He did once in college, but it was a temporary fixer - and while I didn't realize it at the time, He knew all along that I would have no choice but to battle all of this again and I have spent so much time and energy being angry about this. I realize I am totally textbook - I have a family with a huge history of mental illness, I have had "significant instances of trauma" in my life (I love how doctors sterilize words), and I am by nature terribly sensitive and introspective. In short, I am doomed. 

A few weeks ago I was on a retreat where I had a truly amazing time. I grew closer to friends, I got to spend time learning more about the Lord, laughing a ton and eating dessert at every meal. I also deliberately spent a significant amount of time alone because I really needed a chance to just hang out with God - to get away from the noise of kids, leading Royal Stage, housework, article deadlines, etc. I just needed to be with my Daddy. He told me so many things and it was incredible. 

Disappointingly, the one thing that has remained loud and clear - I asked God to take my struggle away, and I received a resounding "no." I am not sure if it was a forever no or a "not right now", but either way, no healing has come. And He is slowly encouraging me and teaching me how to be okay with that. Or rather, I'm working hard at learning to be okay with it and asking Him to continue to show me opportunities to use it for His glory instead of just being angry all the time. 

Now that I've said a whole lot of nothing, here is what I'm getting at. If you're someone who.....

• just realized it's not even 8am yet and you're so exhausted by your mind that you cannot fathom making it through the day, I completely understand. 
• you've been excited for something for weeks and now aren't even sure you're going to go to it tonight because you are so damn tired and feel so alienated, I am right there with you.
• you never get enough sleep and have felt tired for years because your mind runs marathons as your body rests, I totally get it. 
• if you have ever cut yourself, burned yourself, screamed hysterically in your car or hyperventilated into your pillow because it hurts too much to cry, you're not alone. 

A lot of people have asked me why I continue to serve God through depression, anxiety, compulsion disorders, horrible church experiences and some seriously crazy life situations. Honestly, I don't even need to think about it to give an answer. 

Because HE is good. 

Because HE loves me. 

Because HE blesses me. 

Because HE will use this for something. 

And that's more than a reason to not give up. 

These Kids Are Crazy

My children......are ridiculous. I am seriously continually uplifted by all of the silly that surrounds me on any given day. I stand by the fact the best advice I ever received was to pray joy over my kids daily. 

I'm not going to go on a bragfest because most days I feel I fall tragically short of being a "good mom." But I will credit us this - we've got silly happiness down pat. 

Leading others in a new perspective at church....

Finding a loophole when I tell him to go "put on clothes" for school......

Helping me at the eye doctor.....

Taking selfies....

Authoritatively crafting.......

Loving on my dancers....

Raiding the costume closet at the studio....

Sitting quietly.....what?! 

Reacting with awe and wonder at receiving fun mail.....

I love all of these little things. They are a daily encouragement that God loves us and we are so blessed. 

Potty Training Part Deux

Potty training was a nightmare with Sam. An entire hellish year started and then halted repeatedly by surgeries that required catheters and other hindrances. We reached heights of frustration I never thought could be triggered by the inability to keep Buzz Lightyear or Spider-Man dry for an entire day. Finally, a little after his 4th birthday, we were victorious! 

I have procrastinated training Charlotte because I stinking hated potty training so much with Sam! This should be different though - she's a girl, she was born totally healthy, she's been right on target developmentally for everything. 

Okay girlfriend, let's do this. 

Day 1.....we fought and cried. "No mommy, I'm just two! I can't! I'm just two!" 

Good glory. 

Day 2......I bought M&Ms, knowing full well Charlotte would sell her soul for a piece of normally forbidden candy. 

First she pounded the fluids to get all set for a bathroom victory. 

Then she went. Wahoo! But she didn't understand the task-reward system. She somehow got it into her head that crapping successfully one time into a little frog toilet equaled unlimited M&M consumption. So when she got three single pieces....SHE went to pieces. 

For the next FOUR HOURS  our conversations went something like this, 

"Mommy I want M&M"

"That's fine go sit on the potty and you can have one." 

"Okay." 

*heads to kitchen to acquire aforementioned M&Ms* 

"No Charlotte - potty first and then candy." 

"Nooooooooo!"

*sprints down hallway with princess panties around ankles* 

Here are some photos to commemorate the day. 

Tomorrow is a new day. We've got this, little one. Soon we will be back to happier times. 

I Love Them

I haven't spent a lot of time with the dancers lately. I've been so busy with behind the scenes stuff, I haven't gotten to really be there face to face with a lot of them lately. So I was really excited to attend one of our touring dates a couple wks ago to Worthy 2013 at Adventure church. 

One of the anti-trafficking groups we work with had their founder as the guest speaker and the girls performed a jazz piece from summer showcase. We got to meet so many amazing people at our table and I love watching people's eyes light up at the idea of combining performing arts and Jesus. 

I love my life :) 

And then my phone was snatched......

Ministry is tough stuff. It's also full of laughs :) 

Coming Into His Love

I read this today in my devotional, 

"The wisdom of God has ordained a way for the love of God to deliver us from the wrath of God without compromising the justice of God."

I adore that. Christianity in a nutshell. TRUE Christianity in a sentence. 

I've always struggled with God's love for me. Sometimes the people I work with in Royal Stage.....I am touched to the point of tears by how awesome and beautiful they are. How much God loves them! 

But when I think about my own salvation....ick. The belief is just not there. But I am trying. 

When I was at a retreat this past weekend I determined to just have total clarity and to just listen to God. I told Him about my fears with RS, my kids, going to India, etc. I talked to Him and then I stopped so I could listen. 

He gave me a vision of a street made out of indestructible metal. So incredibly solid and secure. All along this road were stones of various sizes and colors, laid into the metal. Some were modest and dim while others shined boldly and brightly. But each had a distinct purpose and beauty. 

Every stone belonged to a past experience. It decorated the solid road, adding beauty to the journey. And yes, there was a jewel for everything. 

Everything. 

Things that hurt, things that make my heart smile. Circumstances I wish has never happened and experiences I wish had never had to end. God has used each to grow me, transform me. He can use everything for His glory. 

He spun my perspective so instead of a tarnished mess I can start to see the colorful splendor of walking a secure, unmovable road toward His love and grace. 

Fear is gone. Love has taken over. I'm so grateful that his love overshadows his wrath, so I can be certain of his unwavering wisdom and justice in the end. And be far from afraid. 

Precious Days

Tuesday is Charlotte & Mommy Day. No preschool, nowhere particular to go until Annie rehearsal, just me and my girl. 

I love her :) 

First we wake up at 5am, carrying books and cupcake liners (no one can explain this). I don't know what they had against their clothing......

Soon she regrets waking up before the sun and replicates her bedroom in the living room. 

Then she wants to "play Jesus" 

Then we climb. 

And miss big brother's company a bit at the top. 

Then we are sad about our sandy feet . 

So we have a picnic. I tell her I want to take pics of her eating at the "nic nic." She took me literally.....

Then we comfort brother at the dentist.....

And wait pensively for our turn....

Until we are told the toothpaste is chocolate flavored. Then we agree to volunteer .....

Then we ride an elephant in celebration of no sugar bugs in our teeth....

Best part is? I have a boy version of this sweetness too :) 

So blessed by simple days.