There were times I was so grateful to Rose for handing the ministry she founded down to me, and sometimes I thought I'd never forgive her ;) But all in all, it was the absolute best experience of my LIFE. But watching the video completely broke me inside.
I was freshly graduated from college, newly married, and it had been less than two years since I had been released from the hospital after a series of suicide attempts. There is no such thing as a suicide attempt, you know. It's remarkably easy to die. Suicide attempts = cries for help, and I was screaming. But things were better now - it was a beautiful sabbatical from depression and anxiety, and I was walking with God Every. Single. Day.
Sam watched the dances and kept saying "You were terrific, mommy! Just terrific!" (what 3 year old says terrific? He talks like a 1950s sitcom kid. But I digress...)......
In reality, the dancing wasn't super outstanding - it was in sync and decent, but it was so super obvious that every single person was dancing in absolute FREEDOM. I remembered all of the late nights (beauty of having all college kids in a cast - we could pretty much dance til 2am if we wanted to) when we would be on our knees praying for God to help us, inspire us, intercede for us. People came to the Lord at our shows, people could see how united we were as a group.....it was just awesome.
It also made me realize I have never heard a prayer even close to what was prayed during the CityGate years. This isn't to say that Royal Stage isn't anointed, or that the people there don't love Jesus - almost all of them do more than anything - but it was made abundantly clear to me that I have not asked God to use all of the anointing He has given me.
When we left our church awhile back, I was wounded. I am still wounded. People that should have stuck up for me didn't, people that should have been punished weren't, and blah blah whine whine because REALLY GOD you don't know how to handle things correctly, do you?!
What garbage. God is ALWAYS in control and ALWAYS just and ALWAYS sees both sides of things, even if we are not able to see the fairness in this world. But in the back of my mind, subconsciously without even realizing it, I have been thinking these things for quite awhile now.
And that cloud has become a part of Royal Stage. How could it not? If Royal Stage is my heart, and there is darkness and bitterness in my heart - justified or not - then something will be robbed from Royal Stage each and every time.
I am so grateful that God took the blinders off tonight as my little 3-year-old found an old, dusty DVD. And I think that Freefall may become the center of the Sunny with a Chance of Rapture script.
I want to go back to those days - not exactly how things were of course (well, maybe my skinniness would be nice...), but to that 100% clarity in what God wants - that passion to follow HIM above all else.
I am praying that God will tear down walls in Royal Stage - that everyone will be there for the right reasons, that we will be so thirsty for God's presence that nothing satisifies us except Him. That He brings us the exact people we need for Season 3, and that we can raise money for our building.
And that we will truly dance in freedom. I want to teach the people of the new days about the feeling of the old days. Memories are already fonder than reality, but watching Sam exclaim "you were terrific, mommy!" led me to say again.....
You were terrific, God. You ARE terrific God. I love you and want you back.
CityGate pics:
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