You Deserve a Parking Spot

When I was 16, I became a Christian. I went from a sullen, rage-filled, straight-D student to a.....sullen, rage-filled, straight D student. 

There was no transformation. Maybe you've seen or heard of some person who found Jesus and instantly did a 180 in life and got clean, sober, honest, responsible....whatever. That wasn't me. 

My dysfunction was all I had ever known, and so I welcomed Jesus into the doorway of my heart. I didn't invite him all the way in, because then I would've had to be different, and even when staying the same is bad for you, sometimes it's less scary because you already know how to function in the midst of it. 

When I was 16, I was a terrible person. At 17, I was a really terrible person. I was incredibly close to my youth pastor's wife who took me under her wing and through some selfish actions, I inadvertently ripped her to shreds. I will never forget what it looked and felt like sitting there watching her cry when the crap hit the fan.

I remember when, weeks later, I discovered her saying, "I wish Tammy would leave, but I would never wish her upon another church, either." 

I remember her calling the leader of my Romania team in advance to "warn" him about me. 

I remember a youth trip to Disneyland and not being acknowledged by her all day. 

I remember my 18th birthday party when nobody showed up except for 2 very brave, unconditional friends. 

It was completely my fault. I was my own undoing. Truly, I was a terrible person. 

Fast forward years later, and I was happily living life with Jesus now in the living room. I had let Him in, and while I was still hiding some some pretty impressive messes in a back room somewhere, my life was really good. 

New town, new church, new friends. I was in the "inner circle." I did everything right. 

Just kidding, I so did not. 

But still, there weren't any glaring sin in my life or emotional torture tactics being used on my closest friends as a way to protect myself. I was happy, usually confident and mostly healthy. 

Through a rather odd turn of events, things ended up crumbling there, too. A staff member went out of her way to ostracize me. She blocked me on Facebook and sent out an email to others entitled "The Truth About Tammy Warta," asking that people call her for information. 

I asked her what my truth was, as I was one to majorly wear my heart on my sleeve. I already had no secrets. 

She refused to answer. And she never said a word to me again. 

The difference between this situation and the one where I was a crazy 17 year old tyrant was that this time wasn't my fault. Anyone who knows me knows I'm quick to apologize and quick to blame myself - but years later, I still cannot for the life of me figure out why I was punished so severely in this second situation. The first, I deserved it. The second, I spent years trying to find a way to make it all my fault. 

It completely broke me. I cried for weeks. I lost some of my best friends. There are still people that when I run into them, they treat me like a leper. I don't know what "the truth" ended up being, but she must have come up with something really sensational and awful because a few people have seemed genuinely stunned to discover I'm even still alive when they see me shopping at Target.

I never recovered. I never trusted again. I am very outgoing, friendly and passionate on the surface - but touch me the wrong way and I'll bite. 

I've lived my life on freak out mode for years now - which you know, is totally awesome and manageable when you are directing a non-profit, raising two little kids and work in the writing field where every day is some form of edit or rejection, right? 

Gosh. 

Last night I decided to be whole again. And I'm not changing my mind. I prayed with, ironically, my current pastor's wife - who has been bitten by me lots and yet still doesn't seem to budge even an inch.

Jesus is totally walking through my back room now. Yuck. I mean, great, but yuck. 

In my prayer time today, I said to myself, "Self, who ever told you that you don't deserve a parking space in life? Somewhere to stay and just be?" 

"Well lots of people," I responded to myself. "________ and ________ for example....."

"Okay!" my self responded. "It's okay for that to remain rhetorical......the real question is, are you willing to let yourself be here?" 

Yes. I am. The answer finally is yes. A timid, nervous yes, but affirmative nonetheless. 

Enough of the self-hate and the apologies on behalf of my very existence. I've been given a parking space for however long God chooses to issue it to me, and no one is allowed to take it away. 

In my newfound confidence, I found that wonderful woman who mentored me when I was 17 and that I hurt so fully. Ah, the terrible convenience of Facebook and our 40 mutual friends......I wrote her and my then-pastor a message apologizing. Truly, humbly saying I was sorry for the sins I committed against them 17 years ago. 

How funny to think I've lived exactly the same amount of years without them as I was old on the day I lost them. 

I got confirmation they received my message. It was met with silence. 

I don't know what I expected. Open-armed forgiveness and the satisfying bleep of two new friend requests? 

No. They will never let me into their world again. And that's okay. I've done what I can to reconcile, and more importantly, I'm right with God. His forgiveness is the most healing balm on the soul. 

And despite that sting of regret, I am okay. I'm still a horrible person, you know. We all are. We sin every day. 

But God forgives us and loves us. When the world seems to be going out of its way to make us feel worthless, our Jesus remains wild about us. 

He died so that we have a right to our space in this world. No one - NO ONE - can take that away. And best of all, you will find there are many wonderful people on this journey actually willing to come visit your space and connect it to theirs. 

When I was 17 and awful, those who cracked my shell and knew me actually found me to be silly, fun and worth knowing. I like to think that pieces of that girl are coming back again. 

I have a right to my space here - completely because Jesus gave up His so I could have mine. 

Fellow dwellers with hurting hearts, we must remember to tell ourselves that we have permission to be here and be okay. 

Whether someone breaks us or we break ourselves, our meaning and purpose dont simply vaporize. 

Outside of the king's horses, and beyond the king's men......the King Himself can put Humpty together again. 

When things get frustrating and I feel alone on this journey, I'm thankful I can look to summer. As I've written many times now, it has truly become (through the grace of God), a sweet companion I really enjoy. 

When thoughts flood me and disappointments hit out at me, I picture the gifts God has given me through summer, and I am incredibly grateful.

Daily swims and watching Sam transform into such a confident little fish.

Reading in the hammock. 

Lemonade. 

The warm summer nights. 

Sleepovers. 

Fresh berries and avocados. 

Barbecue. 

Floating down the river. 

The state fair. 

Going to the drive in. 

Family parties. 

Friend parties. 

Morning Dutch Bros runs. 

Royal Stage slowed down. 

Slurpees & Snow Cones. 

Pedicures. 

Sundresses. 

Naps. 

Journaling. 

Fireworks. 

Ice water in a favorite glass. 

Lazy mornings. 

Long nights. 

Flip flops. 

Board games and puzzles. 

Dreaming about upcoming vacations. 

I'm really loving summer and thankful that God is surely providing a way through this dark hole. 

Solid Rocks.

This morning I found myself sobbing into my mac and cheese at 9am, while my children - who had cleaned their bowls with unstructured joy - were now working together to finish off a bag of mini marshmallows.

I am careful to add that they were mini marshmallows, in the off chance that you'll judge me less harshly as a parent. Full-sized marshmallows....now that'd be really terrible, right? 

So as I gradually lost control of our household, I sent a voice message to a friend about something mundane and ended up melting into a total pile of sob. 

As luck would have it, today is Sunday. Thus began the internal struggle of whether to stumble into the church a total basket case, or stay home, hide, and retain the few threads of my reputation as a stable individual that remain. 

I've gotten very, very good over the past several months of discerning God's voice from the enemy. It's not easy. Evil doesn't always present itself as a looming, terrifying beast in my life - it's more like that one guy at the party who can do all sorts of impressions dead on. The one that leaves you in awe, clutching your red plastic cup exclaiming, "No way! Do that guy now!" And then he does a dead-on impression of God that's so perfect.....it almost fools you....but if you listen, really listen, you start to get better and better at learning the difference, realizing his impressions shouldn't be considered good enough for Vegas - let alone control of your thoughts. 

So I went to church. And God broke me. He tore the worries of my world away and stripped me down to that level of emotional vulnerability I HATE....and yet I know He's just going to keep on doing it until we get this right, the two of us. 

Apparently my pastor's favorite thing to do is decide to have a greeting/visitation time on the mornings I've just rained mascara all over my face, so I sucked up my sorry self and shut down the waterworks in favor of Sunday morning small talk. But I didn't get it.

Because God is generous and regularly defies my logic, I instead received the most wonderful, unexpected encouragement - both from people who know me well, and those who didn't (or at least shouldn't) have a clue as to what was up. They all said one of two things.

Do you know that God loves you? 

You are one of the toughest/strongest girls I know. 

While I would hotly dispute the latter, as I am well aware of my own weaknesses, failings and quitter addiction....how thankful I was for the former. 

Yes, I know that God loves me. But so many times I lose sight of it. I don't forget it, but it escapes me and I struggle to believe it when I can't see it. For God to use everything from the strong hug of my pastor to the encouragement from a practical stranger - I felt embarrassed, broken....and thankful that this morning, God refused to let me forget. 

My blog has a lot of phantom readers. Rarely do I receive comments or much feedback, but I see the monthly hit counter climb- and taking it on good faith that human beings are reading and not just some spam robots (is that a thing? Frank? Is that a thing?) - I want to pass the encouragement on to you, too. 

I spent a long time talking to God today, and here are some solid rocks I'd like to pass on. Not because I'm wise, or because I have (anything!) figured out, but because (again) God is generous and His word should be shared. 

My struggle: Emotions that change impulsively (which sucks).

My rock: "By contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”  (Gal 5:22) 

My struggle: Repetitive, rapid, catastrophic thoughts (which also suck).

My rock: “We destroy arguments and every proud obstacle raised up against 

the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to obey Christ.”

(2 Corinthians 10:4-5)

My struggle: Anger and distrust (yep, this sucks, too).

My rock: “Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear." (Eph 4:29) 

I'm really working on this one. Oh, how I'm working on this one! 

My struggle: Fear of abandonment (big time. Because it's happened.) 

My rock:   “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; 

he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)

My struggle: Impatience (with myself and situations as I see them)

My rock: “Now, discipline always seems painful rather than pleasant at the time, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”

(Hebrews 12:11) 

And probably the biggest monster of them all - feeling worthless and empty. Feeling so confident only in the belief that I don't count and no one would miss me. That I'm merely a vapor while everyone else is connected, present and accepted. 

My biggest, most solid rock: 

“Therefore, to keep me from being too elated, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me...Three times I appealed to the Lord about this, that it would leave me, but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.”

(2 Corinthians 12:7) 

So....onward, right? I am nothing, and I'm so glad because that leaves plenty of room for Him to be my everything. 

Here is a visual of me right now - at the arts ministry studio God has so richly blessed me with....makeup-free and prepping for a meeting I'm not at all confident about leading. 

   Heck yes, this is filtered. 

Now get out there and be the toughest girl you know. (Or guy...if applicable). 

God loves you. A lot. 

Looking Ahead

I am always encouraged after our staff meetings. I have some incredible people in my corner. And more importantly, God. His handprints are all over everything at RS and I really, really love it. Summer has gone so smoothly (for the most part, haha) and girls who started out as abuse survivors we ministered to are now serving as camp counselors to our littles! So cool to see ministry regenerate!

Our (sixth!!!!) season begins in August, and cool things are happening. If you'd like to be involved in any of them, let me know via one of the million ways to get ahold of me. (Technology. I'm becoming a fan). 

There are three ways to be involved: 

- performer

- volunteer

- business partner 

Students and Performers 

Free Class Days (our season class preview), are happening Aug 15 all day (for kids) and Aug 16 in the afternoon/evening for teens/adults. 

Our fall classes start the week of Aug 24.

For kids: hip hop, ballet, pre-dance, tap, art

For teens/adults: hip hop, ballet, tap, contemporary, acting, creative chapel and biblical art. 

Auditions for our youth musical production of Wizard of Oz will be August 18.  Anyone aged 5-21 can participate. 

Teens and adults are invited to participate in Counterclaim, our original dance and  drama collaborative that had a powerful response when it was first performed in 2011. We are not having formal auditions - the cast is selected by invitation only - but if you'd like to be considered, let us know so we can invite you to learn more. 

Volunteers 

We need people to do the not-so-fun jobs that make a world of difference! 

- construction guys (local) 

- phone call making (anywhere) 

- appointment setting (anywhere)

- backstage management (local) 

- concessions (local) 

- photography (local) 

-fundraising (anywhere) 

- table worker at events (local)

Please help! 

Business Partners 

Royal Stage exists out of raised support and donations. We love to partner with local businesses and we are way cheaper than other options out there. 

$100/yr - business listing on website, show playbills, large screen 

$250/yr - all of the above plus a special mention at performances and logo on season t-shirts 

$500+ - all of the above plus vendor table at all shows, sponsor display at all touring events to festivals/churches/etc. Free season tickets to all shows and special VIP waiting area prior to performances. 

$750 - all of the above plus special plaque inclusion at our main studio and free classes for family members. 

Art House 

A lot of people have been asking me for an art house update....well.....we are trusting God to provide everything by January, but beyond that we are still in the prayer & planning stages. Please pray for us.

God is so generous and it is slowly forming - we want to do it right. I'm so excited for the future and what it will bring. 

Every time someone new joins this group, I feel like falling flat on my face in gratefulness. God is so kind to us, and provides all we need (and then some). When I see financial or spiritual struggles ahead, I am beginning to view them as a way to grow closer to my Heavenly Daddy rather than stressing out.

I'm a blessed girl. Come join us!

Freedom.

I used to hate 4th of July. Every year I would go to the Santa Clara fireworks with my family and lay out on the grass at the park, feeling so reflective and regretful as I watched the sky light up in colors that should've made me happy. I mean really, fireworks aren't supposed to make anyone sad. 

Because of the rough summers I was having back then, I couldn't stop myself from pulling up the sides of my sweatshirt hood (yes, sweatshirt. Miss you, Bay Area!) to hide my face as the tears fell. I missed them so terribly - those who had been in my life and then weren't. I still miss them. If I allow my mind to pause there, I can still bring up tears. 

But 4th of July is different now. Last year it started to turn around - I volunteered at the church fireworks booth and then took the kids to their sweet friend Rydr's house for the best fireworks party

 ever. 

This year, I helped in the booth the past few days, including an evening where God blessed me with a surprise summer rain. Tonight after my last shift there, we will take the kids over to La Sierra to eat, play and watch the fireworks in the sky. I'll snuggle my babies and smile - thankful that I truly do understand what freedom is, and now I can pass it down to Sam and Charlotte. 

In this nation, we are incredibly fortunate to be able to do pretty much anything without consequence - politics, religion, all the things many countries in the world covet. But there's also a different freedom to be had, and it took me until my 30s to truly experience it and claim it as my own. 

I am free to fully accept God's love and love Him in return. I never, ever doubt God's love for me now. It took me a long time to accept it, but I know He's crazy about me. (And He is about you too!) 

I am free to trust people. The past has passed. The gift of the present and future are so lovely and unscathed - I don't need to look behind me anymore.

I am free to be sad. Do I still miss them? Absolutely. This time of year, there's not a day where I don't think about them. Family - blood or spiritual - when it breaks, it will always leave a part of you broken along with it. But I have this beautiful freedom within myself to put that hurt to good use. 

I am not healed, but I'm healing. 

I am not perfect, but I am loved. 

4th of July makes me smile now. It's in my top 3.....Thanksgiving will always be #1, and don't even try to mess with Easter.....

And, of course, these two weirdos are growing up free in every way, and for that, I am beyond grateful. 

P.S. - Santa Clara doesn't have fireworks anymore. 

One Second

So tomorrow we get an extra second due to us adjusting to the Earth's slowing rotation or something. And apparently it's going to screw up a lot of things. 

Our digital world will go into temporary freak out mode, like a little baby Y2K. I read about this and the preparations that certain sectors are having to make, and thought to myself, "wow, seriously? A single second is really wreaking such inconvenience upon society?" 

Now usher in the predictable illustration of how in this life, every second counts. 

But you guys, it really does matter. 

If you could take that extra second we are all getting tomorrow, and hold it in your hand as if it were a magical bean, what would you do with it? 

Our seconds on this earth add up. I've wasted so many of my seconds. They've turned into minutes and hours where I could've done more to get outside of myself and make a difference in this world. 

It's funny, you know, a lot of times people say to me things like: 

"Oh, I know you're so busy." 

"We were going to ask you to help but knew you'd be booked." 

"I've always wanted to spend time with you, but you know so many people." 

I AM busy. But if my "busyness" ever makes me unapproachable or inaccessible, then God, please significantly slow me down. 

The best seconds spent are those blessing others in the name of Christ, and I'll be transparent and real in saying I'm honestly not too good at that sometimes. 

My struggles often banish me back to bed. I keep very large circles, but my true circles are very small because I sport a lot of emotional and spiritual burn marks. 

It can't be an excuse anymore, because seconds are so short, so meaningful - and who knows how many I've wasted and how many I have left? 

I gave myself a little challenge a month or so ago:

If something hurts, be honest. If something's disappointing, talk to God first. If a relapse happens, then cry, tremble and scream, but then climb out of it.

Just. Climb. Out of it. 

I need to make it a priority in my life to follow God's call. In every second. Not just when I feel like it or when the stars align perfectly in my favor.

I know I need to walk with mental and physical illness, but I most importantly need to walk in obedience to a God that is perfectly capable of healing me anytime He wants to - but cares more about loving, teaching and saving me instead. 

How will I make my seconds count? I have some ideas. 

The Ways Their Childhoods Are Different

It took a very long time for Sacramento to feel like home. I still have the occasional pangs of wondering if anyone likes us, if it's the right decision to be here, etc. 

But quite honestly, beyond the fact Frank loves his job and Royal Stage is so healthy and thriving, our kids are probably the best example of why our life in Sacramento is so cool. Actually, right now it's quite warm....but you get it....

We went to the river and they were good for the most part, but at times acted like total brats. Praise God that they have a huge network of people in their little lives that they feel comfortable enough around to show their true colors. They were still totally busted, but I'm still glad. 

There are some really great things that Sam & Charlotte experience living in Sacramento that I didn't as a Bay Area kid. 

They get to float down a river 

Sure, we had the ocean growing up. And while Santa Cruz is still within driving distance for them, there's something special about river days here at home. Water fights and rock skipping. Eating lunch on the rafts and taking a late afternoon swim. 

Finding gold is no big deal

We live in gold country, with a fun history of miners and fortunes found (or not found). Today that history has manifested itself into gold panning sites for kiddos, Sutter's Fort, etc. Both Sam and Charlotte - like every kid in Sacramento - have little pieces of gold in a jar that they found at a local children's event. 

Their family is huge 

While I have restricted the kids from interacting with much of my family for safety reasons, they still have a heck of a lot left. On my side, they have regular interaction with: 

1. Grandfather

2. Grandmother 

3. 2 aunts 

4. A great uncle 

On Frank's side they have: 

1. Grandfather

2. Grandmother

3. Great grandmother 

4. An aunt and uncle 

5. 5 great aunts & 4 great uncles 

6. A cousin + several 2nd cousins 

Beyond these blood relatives, our kids are growing up around an amazing, wonderful community of spiritual family. 

Our church is filled to the brim with kids. There's always someone to play with! There are dozens of adults in their life that are committed, loving Christians that aren't afraid to parent and discipline our kids as if they were their own - and they view us the same way with their children. 

Royal Stage is booming with kids right now, and again, I trust my staff fully to bring godly structure and guidance into Sam & Charlotte's life. 

There's always something to do, lots of kid swaps, activity and noise! 

They have traditions

We go to Apple Hill every fall. Tahoe every winter. Swim daily in the summer. We have big, delicious potlucks at church on Easter. 

People are friendly 

My mom noticed on a recent visit

to one of our restaurants that some people in the lobby were dancing to the music playing while they were waiting for their table. People are more carefree and friendly in Sacramento. The grocery store checkers and the pool deck hands know the kids' names. People chit chat in lines and waiting rooms. Drivers are less aggressive (albeit still crazy!) 

The resources are awesome 

Sam goes to a FREE Montessori charter school. Our city library system is huge. There's a free museum day every year. An incredibly diverse downtown arts scene. Splash parks at some playgrounds. We live in the center of some of California's richest history with an old western section, government buildings and landmarks everywhere. 

Their lives are peaceful

....or at least need to be. I am thankful and honored to be their mother. It's no easy task, but I am far from giving up. They will grow up with love, a clean house, spiritual support, healthy meals and hopefully a lot of laughter. 

This parenting gig is no joke. But I'm so thankful to live in a place that is so perfect for our family. Someday I'm sure the kids will move away and talk trash about their hometown in some college dorm somewhere.....but for now, I love that this is the place they get to be little.